Can we change who we are? Are our inner selves immutable, subject only to forces beyond our control? We can try to influence our own development, foster traits we find desireable, but we must realize our efforts may all be for naught. Our darkest impulses can lurk beneath the surface resisting all attempts to rectify them. However, we are human beings, graced with consciousness and sapience, surely we can identify the parts of ourselves we want to expunge and change ourselves accordingly. It has to be possible, how else can we expect to muddle through the eternal struggles of this constant mistake we call life? I can't let my past dictate my future and continue to fuck up the same way over and over again. So why?
Why can't I stop?
Barbie™ is a cosmic princess who flies high on her hoverboard through a far-off universe with her adorable and devoted pet sidekick, Pupcorn. One day, everything changes when the twinkling stars start to dim and slow their dance in the sky. Barbie™ travels to a beautiful new planet to join a special rescue team on a mission to save the stars. Once there, she teams up with a group of talented new friends who work together to save the galaxy through exciting hoverboard adventures. Barbie™ soon discovers that if she listens to her heart, and with the help of her friends, she might be the leader the whole universe has been waiting for!
I need someone to tell me. Does that sound like something you would want to watch? I was ready to buy this before I saw the word "hoverboard" and even after I saw the word "Pupcorn." Nothing stopped me, especially everything that should have. This isn't even remotely marketed towards me! What went wrong?! I am frightened of the decisions I can't prevent myself from making!
Let's Watch: Barbie Star Light Adventure
So this is some sci-fi shit, right? Are they just gonna copy Star Wars?
Welp. Something something harmony, prophesy of darkness, I get it.
Man they are just going whole hog on this, aren't they.
So there's a king who's an asshole who thinks he's the One the prophesy foretold, but WHO CARES WHERE'S BARBIE.
Uh oh. I don't... Um.
This is actually pretty good.
I mean, it's the best opening to a Barbie movie I've seen. The art style is pretty appealing, there's a generic pop song in the background but there's nothing wrong with it, and, like, there's alien creatures all about that look interesting.
That's not supposed to happen.
So she loses her hoverboard in a little accident. Doesn't she have a little wrist thing to summon it to her?
COME ON! SHE'S GOT THE FORCE?? Eh. It's probably better than The Last Jedi.
After a little alarm beeps, she fixes her hoverboard and heads for home.
Oh shit, that don't look half bad. I mean. this is already a way more creative setting than either of the other two I've-- NO WAIT IT'S BAD I HATE BARBIE ARRRGH.
Whew! For a second I thought I'd have nothing but praise! LOOK AT THE STUPID PET! I HATE IT! It looks more like a cat than a dog. Sounds like one too.
You know Barbie, I just couldn't tell you.
God dammit, why do I have to like the aesthetic of this movie so much. After Barbie uses her Force powers to feed some birds, we find out Barbie's mom is probably dead, since they refer to her in the past tense. Anyway, a little ship drops down with a message from Space King, that they need young people with special skills. Turns out Barbie's such a good hoverboarder that they want her. Who else is being asked?
Was that intentional? Just take a regular name and Star Wars it as a joke?
Okay, they have got to be doing this intentionally. Hokey self-awareness is my weakness. Shit.
Barbie is all conflicted, worried about leaving her home planet and your usual coming-of-age shit. She has a locket with a hologram of her now certainly dead mom. After a little peptalk with her dad and a bit of "Firework"-esque pop song, looks like she's going.
Her dad drops her off at the spaceport with a new hoverboard, and she goes through the usual "Small town girl in big city" thing. After getting teleported to her room, she's greeted by... these things.
I guess I should've assumed there would be the equivalent of fairy aliens. They sound like the Chipmunks. They're snooty. Barbie's a fish outta water! I sure hope nothing EMBARRASSING happens!
You know, one thing I like about this is how Barbie is just wearing like, space clothes. They didn't feel the need to put her in a dress or anything.
Welp. I suppose I should have expected that. Oh no! She's late to the gala!
So after being socially awkward and doing her little introduction thing, she sees a CYUUTE BOII
Ha! Take that! No royalty for Barbie in THIS movie! She even snorts when she laughs, that's cute.
I MEAN UH
God dammit. They're gonna get married at the end or something so Barbie can be a princess. That's the only way this can go down.
Barbie continues to be socially awkward to her idol/girlcrush Sal-Lee at the reception. And it looks like they all have superpowers. Sal-Lee has superspeed, the wonder twins have gravity powers, and Boi can fly a plane. Way to go. They have dinner where they squirt food out of tubes and Barbie is intimidated by high class society.
There's your usual royal dance with orchestral music, but then they start tapping on stuff and it turns into club music?
This is ridiculous.
Apparently that's not how you dance. Why even program the DJ bot to play that kind of music at all? I think this movie may not be for adults.
Barbie and her girlcrush have a little "I Will Show You The World" flyaround, and then it's time for training! Barbie's late again, which I guess is her main flaw in this movie. And it makes the king maaaad.
They explain the stakes again, that the stars are gonna disappear or something because they're not dancing. They probably could've thrown some technobabble in there, something about inertia or gravity wells. The king details his plan which is definitely not going to happen by the end of the movie. Then it's time for a fight! Wait what?
Uh, okay. I guess she can be a kung fu master. She beats Boi in a fight and now we got hoverboard training. I ain't got much to say about it. It's a surprisingly good action sequence. This is disappointing.
PUPCORN'S A FUCKIN' CAT
NAME'S WRONG NOW HE'S A CAT
WHY IS HE EVEN NAMED AFTER POPCORN
Oh now he can't fly.
I don't see how anybody could argue with that.
So the king further establishes himself as an authoritarian asshole. At least this is the one Barbie movie that's not pro-monarchist. Now we have to go abduct an animal!
You know guys, I'm getting some bad vibes from the king here, but I can't put my finger on why...
OH SHIT DON'T CAPTURE IT KILL IT KILL IT
As expected, Barbie disobeys the king's order and releases the scary dragon thing. Good, since the king is clearly evil and wanted it only for something nefarious.
Whoopsie-daisy! Looks like the king pulled an Admiral Holdo and didn't tell his subordinates important pieces of the plan! Well shit. Barbie's kicked off the football team. Man, we didn't even get a training montage. This movie sucks. So like, is Barbie gonna show up right near the end when the rest of the team is about to die?
Op, no, she just went and got another one. That was, uh, a bit pointless then, wasn't it? So now she's back on the team and even gets promoted!
That's odd, why comment on that right near the end of the movie?
Wait what? It's back? Didn't she always-- HUH?
She actually lost the pink streak through the movie. Now she's got it back? Her hair changes color?! Why does it do that?? Why are there sparkly streaks in it? WHY CAN SHE USE THE FORCE??
Now that Barbie's back on the team, they have a little singalong the night before the big day. I am so glad that's not a standard part of team-building exercises. Then they head out, and confuse lightspeed and warp speed. Chyeah, that's how you know this isn't HARD sci-fi.
I mean, otherwise it'd be indistinguishable.
At any rate, they make it to the center of the galaxy, where I guess they will fix everything somehow. Did they really need some kind of ace pilot to get them there? Boi was pretty useless for this whole movie. There's not even a romance subplot! N-not that I care.
They head through some sort of pink minefield, with Boi towed by Pupcorn. Why even bring him? All he does is talk about eating.
And he's supposed to be an engineer.
Now that right there, is one smart cookie.
He hits the big button on the floor which sends everyone tumbling down into ooooooh boy
THERE IT IS! SHE'S TRIPPING AGAIN! I KNEW IT WAS COMING ALL THESE MOVIES HAVE IT! JUST WHEN MY ACID IS KICKING I-- woah dude are the walls bubbling for anyone else?
dude i don't think he's gonna save the galaxy
Ten bucks says singing and playing music will save the day.
Whaaaaat is happening
Well that tears it, universe wants her in a dress. Gender ISN'T just a social construct!
I honestly don't know what's happening. I didn't expect a Fantasia Nutcracker sequence to be the thing that did it. I was thinking something more along the lines of, say, music, or friendship, or Pupcorn. But uh, I guess that did it. Whatever it was that needed doing.
IT WAS JUST THAT SIMPLE! HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN SO BLIND?!
Are you kidding me?? Why does she always have to be a princess? Jesus, I thought you were different, Star Light Adventure! I thought you had changed! But you're just the same as all the rest!
DON'T YOU START WITH THIS SHIT I WAS TRYING TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT
You know what, if you're not taking this seriously then I'm just going to leave.
Barbie is just a dumb movie for girls anyway... Won't catch me watching one again...
i can stop whenever i want