Tuesday, April 4, 2023

Across the Barbie... Land... Verse (Trailer Talk)

Like a phoenix, but a really pathetic one who looks like shit—okay wait no—like a lone cicada, I rise from my slumber to make a bunch of annoying noises because we're living in a weird time where trailers for Spider-Man and Barbie movies drop on the same day and at this point only the combination of those two things can make me feel more alive than dead. Listen, I didn't expect that this is how I would end up either.


Now this is the good shit. For starters:


Okay, yeah, sorry. I just, I love the Spot. He is all that is pure and good in this godforsaken world.

So what's new in this? We got Miles Spider-Manning it up in the neighborhood, which is great, A+, just what I need. The convention center of Spider-Mans is apparently set up by Miguel O'Hara, probably after the first film where the multiverse almost broke. As I've said before, I'm not a huge fan of a giant Spider-Team when they could all be in their own universes doing Spider-Stuff, but whatever. We got some Peter B. and animated footage of Mayday, his Spider-Baby who, in a truly irresponsible move, has webshooters.

Now, I could go over all the little details, like Miguel calling MCU Spider-Man a little nerd (HAHAHAHA) or Ben Reilly (my only other source of hope and joy) but instead let's take a look at the plot details we're finally getting.

Looks like Miles is going to be rejected from the Spider-Society, possibly because he's too young and/or attached to his home reality. The main conflict will probably be something to do with the Spot fucking up the multiverse, but in order to stop that Miles has to let someone (probably his dad) die. And this will make the Spider-Society fight him. I'm pumped! This is exactly the shit I want out of Spider-Man! If I have this right, Miles (and maybe Gwen) will be the only one willing to contradict the dogmatic ideals of a bunch of old Spider-Men, choosing to find his own solution and save everyone.

Sure, the ones set in their ways are also Spider-Mans, but in this case it just means Miles is the most Spider-Man of all. I'm more excited for this movie than I was last trailer, which is good because there ain't a lot else out there. EXCEPT FOR THIS

I, uh. What? Huh?

What's happening?

I have no idea what's going on here. That's good! Instead of some sort of Malibu, we start in Barbie Land (Shoulda been Barbie World) where everyone is either Barbie or Ken. Huh. But why? I guess every iteration of the Barbie doll is another person? I guess I prefer it when Barbie is an unstoppable polymath, but this concept has legs.

Judging from the way everything is, Barbie Land is a child's view of reality, given that Barbie and Ken haven't had a sex ed class yet. Is this a real place, or is this Lego Movie rules?

Oh god it might be Lego Movie rules.

Okay, fine, I don't have any insights here! This film is a black box! Where's Raquelle?? Is this a musical?? GIMME SOMETHING HERE!

Oh shit is that Michael Cera?