Across the Barbie... Land... Verse (Trailer Talk)

Like a phoenix, but a really pathetic one who looks like shit—okay wait no—like a lone cicada, I rise from my slumber to make a bunch of annoying noises because we're living in a weird time where trailers for Spider-Man and Barbie movies drop on the same day and at this point only the combination of those two things can make me feel more alive than dead. Listen, I didn't expect that this is how I would end up either.

ANYWAY

Now this is the good shit. For starters:

IT'S THE FUCKIN' SPOT HELL YEAH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT

Okay, yeah, sorry. I just, I love the Spot. He is all that is pure and good in this godforsaken world.

So what's new in this? We got Miles Spider-Manning it up in the neighborhood, which is great, A+, just what I need. The convention center of Spider-Mans is apparently set up by Miguel O'Hara, probably after the first film where the multiverse almost broke. As I've said before, I'm not a huge fan of a giant Spider-Team when they could all be in their own universes doing Spider-Stuff, but whatever. We got some Peter B. and animated footage of Mayday, his Spider-Baby who, in a truly irresponsible move, has webshooters.

Now, I could go over all the little details, like Miguel calling MCU Spider-Man a little nerd (HAHAHAHA) or Ben Reilly (my only other source of hope and joy) but instead let's take a look at the plot details we're finally getting.

Looks like Miles is going to be rejected from the Spider-Society, possibly because he's too young and/or attached to his home reality. The main conflict will probably be something to do with the Spot fucking up the multiverse, but in order to stop that Miles has to let someone (probably his dad) die. And this will make the Spider-Society fight him. I'm pumped! This is exactly the shit I want out of Spider-Man! If I have this right, Miles (and maybe Gwen) will be the only one willing to contradict the dogmatic ideals of a bunch of old Spider-Men, choosing to find his own solution and save everyone.

Sure, the ones set in their ways are also Spider-Mans, but in this case it just means Miles is the most Spider-Man of all. I'm more excited for this movie than I was last trailer, which is good because there ain't a lot else out there. EXCEPT FOR THIS

I, uh. What? Huh?

What's happening?

I have no idea what's going on here. That's good! Instead of some sort of Malibu, we start in Barbie Land (Shoulda been Barbie World) where everyone is either Barbie or Ken. Huh. But why? I guess every iteration of the Barbie doll is another person? I guess I prefer it when Barbie is an unstoppable polymath, but this concept has legs.

Judging from the way everything is, Barbie Land is a child's view of reality, given that Barbie and Ken haven't had a sex ed class yet. Is this a real place, or is this Lego Movie rules?

Oh god it might be Lego Movie rules.

Okay, fine, I don't have any insights here! This film is a black box! Where's Raquelle?? Is this a musical?? GIMME SOMETHING HERE!

Oh shit is that Michael Cera?

Spider-Man Sequel Speculation Spectacular

It's been a while, hasn't it? What with everything happening, sometimes I forget about the important things. Like Spider-Man. Luckily Marvel is here to put No Way Home back in theaters, this time with more stuff. Am I gonna watch it? Probably not. I got my jollies, and if there's an extended cut, I'll just buy it later and watch it when I've finished Spectacular again. But with the re-release of this movie, it got me thinking about all the buzz regarding potential sequels.

Given that Spider-Man has three separate live action reboots, something even the X-Men don't have yet, and now they've all been incorporated into the current corporate umbrella, there's really no telling what we could get next. Yeah, a Tom Holland film is pretty likely, given the last scene of NWH, but people have been speculating on a possible Amazing Spider-Man 3, or even a Spider-Man 4. Since I have nothing important or relevant to share with anyone, I will instead talk about what I would want from these properties, should they ever see the light of day. Who knows, it might happen.

Tom Holland Sequel

I'll start with this since it's the most likely to happen. Oh and uh, spoilers for NWH I guess, but if you haven't seen it yet why are you even here?

So at the end of No Way Home, we find Peter Parker at a very low point, but one with a lot of potential. He has no access to high-level technology, he's made his own suit out of actual fabric, and he's poor and alone with no friends, no money, and a shitty apartment. It's a great starting place! If they don't screw it up.

What I would like to see is a street-focused plot. No big cosmic stakes, no magic, no involvement with other heroes. Something that threatens the normal people of New York, and Spider-Man has to stop it. It would be a good chance to have some of the weirder villains, some of the lesser-known Silver Age stuff. My dream would be to have Big Wheel as a villain, even if he's not the main one, ideally played by Brendan Fraser. I would nominate The Spot, but Across the Spider-Verse picked him already, and will likely do a better job than any live action film could hope for. Maybe someone like the Crime Master or Tombstone, crime lords that hold a grudge, raising the stakes in a more believable way.

Since the entire supporting cast has been cut off, it would be nice to have a spotlight on some as-yet-unseen supporting characters. Maybe Randy Robertson lives in the same apartment building, and he meets Debra Whitman during his travels. The supporting cast for Spider-Man over its run is just tremendous, but we've been stuck with the same Coffee Bean cast for every iteration so far. There's more options than just Mary Jane, Harry Osborn, and Flash Thompson here!

I've seen a lot of suggestions for Black Cat to appear, and while I don't think that would be a bad idea, it would conflict with ideas I have for the other Spider-Men, but I'll get to that later.

Mainly, I want this film to be about Peter Parker making it on his own, struggling with his split time, his money, and trying to keep his life going through personal tragedy. It's what I like best from Spider-Man and they've finally set up this particular iteration to fulfill that. Instead of using Iron Man technology, I want what the Insomniac Spider-Man game referred to as "guerilla science," Peter using scraps to create what he needs in the moment, without support from higher up. A scene where after losing a fight, he has to whip up some gadget from a disassembled radio, a DVD player, and a sewing machine instead of accessing another function on his highly technological suit. That's the shit I like.

I don't know what he could do for work that wouldn't rehash the stuff from Spider-Man 2. He ain't exactly got credentials, so college might be out of the picture. Does he have a social security card? Can he get a job? The magic fuckery makes it unknown what exactly he can do to put food on the table. Photographer is the standard backup, and I guess I can't disagree, but there's gotta be something else he could do. It's up in the air, and I don't really have strong opinions about it,

The Amazing Spider-Man 3

So this is much more of an open question. The mere possibility of this film is fan speculation, mostly people demanding it after No Way Home made everyone love Andrew Garfield. It's not even clear if Garfield would be willing to do this, as I've seen unsubstantiated stuff from that Sony leak a few years back that suggested he was fed up with the Cape Movie machine. But! He did come back for NWH, so not all hope is lost.

The suggestion I've seen the most from fans here is the addition of Spider-Gwen, to which I must respond: Please no, god, no, no. Absolutely not.

If they're going to have a Spider-Gwen (or Spider-Woman or Ghost Spider) in live action, just make a solo film for Pete's sake. Gwen just died in the last film, and it would be much more interesting to see Peter deal with another romantic interest in the wake of his grief than bring an alternate version of her over, only she has spider powers now. Just give us someone new! I just want grief without any multiversal shenanegans to make it stupid!

So, who could we have instead? I would nominate Black Cat. Felicia Hardy made a cameo in ASM 2, working for Oscorp, which is easy enough to explain as one step in some heist Hardy was pulling off. Maybe some technology she stole could make her a more effective thief, I dunno. I think the dynamic would be nice, if Black Cat is only interested in Spider-Man instead of Peter Parker, and Peter deals with his grief by being Spider-Man more often. Not to mention the best thing about the Amazing films have been the romantic chemistry and Black Cat was a major romantic interest for Peter, so it could work out quite well.

Now, for supporting cast, Harry Osborn is out the window, seeing as how he got Goblin'd up last movie. I say: Bring back Flash Thompson. He's been the only movie Flash I'd want to see again, and there's a lot you can do with him. Maybe he joined the military offscreen, and has to deal with that at the same time he deals with Gwen's death. There's a strong friendship between Peter and Flash in the comics, which has never been portrayed well in other media, as far as I can tell. Let's finally get some of that in live action! If they get Flash, I don't care as much about other characters.

Since Peter was doing photography for the Daily Bugle in ASM 2, it would make sense for him to continue that and even make it his full-time gig for this one. Though that would involve yet another iteration of J. Jonah Jameson and the Bugle crew, I'm not sure if they'd go for it. Maybe Robertson could run the show, and you spotlight other reporters, like Ben Urich. If the newsroom stuff is more centered, it could work. I could see some shenanegans where Peter has to convince a seasoned journalist that he's not Spider-Man, and there's ambiguity as to whether it actually worked.

I just want this film to reckon with what happened in ASM 2, see Peter deal with his loss and continue his life beyond it. Andrew's portrayal of Peter in NWH was one of the best, and I want to see more. Hopefully they don't screw it up, if a third installment is even in the cards.

Spider-Man 4

Yeah so this one is just completely out there, very little chance of this ever happening. But why not! A man can dream!

Now, an older Spider-Man is not something we've seen here much. The best example is something like Peter B. Parker from Spider-Verse. I don't think Tobey could pull it off the same way though. A suggestion I've seen thrown around a lot is to bring the focus away from him, and onto his daughter with Mary Jane, effectively making this a Spider-Girl film. I'd be all up for that! Of course, this is also my hope for Across the Spider-Verse, and if I had to pick one it would have to be in Verse.

If we had a bit of a timeskip showing Peter eventually giving up being Spider-Man and starting a family, you could effectively do a Spider-Girl origin story, though without a lot of her extended cast, because they have either been killed off (Normie Osborn) or never existed (Kaine, Dark Devil, Black Cat, the rest.) It might be nice, though if it's under the Marvel umbrella I would likely be disappointed.

Honestly, I think I'd like a TV show for Spider-Girl more. Yeah, the continuity might be confusing, but it serves well enough as a standalone for people sick of the interweaving complexities of current Marvel TV. Gimme some teen drama! I'd be surprised enough that anyone even remembers Spider-Girl exists, since Spider-Gwen showed up and took all the limelight owed to Mayday. This is all a pipe dream anyway, so just let me have this one.

So yeah! Without any announcements or rumors, all we really have to go on is our own hopes and dreams for any of these films. And if I know anything, it's that my specific hopes and dreams do not happen. I may have prevented any of these things from occurring simply by writing this. Oops. I sure hope you wanted something different than I did.

Spider-Man in Civil War

So I recently saw Captain America: Civil War, and I could do my usual review thingy, but I know you don't want that. What you really want is my detailed analysis on Spider-Man as he appeared in the film, and subsequently how he'll be in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Don't worry man, I got you. (Mild spoilers, I guess.)

He was introduced to the movie right before the big battle scene, and he clearly stole the show. Every time he was shown onscreen, it was either something dynamic and interesting to see with his powers, or easily the funniest line in the movie. He even-- Wait, wait, no. That wasn't Spider-Man, that was Ant Man.

Spider-Man was just kinda there.

Yeah, it was kind of cool that Spider-Man was finally a part of the cinematic universe, but he didn't really do a whole lot. His jokes were okay, and he used a lot of webs, so I guess that's fine. The problem is, I forgot he existed every time Ant Man was onscreen, and I hadn't even seen the Ant Man movie yet!

I guess the problem is, Spider-Man was just Iron Man's lackey. Tony orders him in, he fights a bit, Tony calls him off. I suppose I was expecting a defection towards Cap's side or something, a la original Civil War. It doesn't help that he only fought because Iron Man essentially blackmailed him into it. Especially with recent news that Robert Downey Jr. is going to appear in Spider-Man's next live action film, I'm not too sure I like where that's going.

That said, it's not as if there was nothing to like. The costume design wasn't bad, though it certainly wasn't as interesting to look at as the first Amazing Spider-Man one. I like the dilating eyes, which they explained by Peter having some sort of super-senses. I think that might mean he doesn't have a spider-sense, like Spider-Man 2099. It's not completely ruled out, and I'm still hoping for a Spider-Man movie with actual spider-sense. They went with mechanical webshooters like Amazing Spider-Man, and I'm one of those people who was kind of creeped out by the organic ones, so that's good.

I'm still undecided on Tom Holland, the new actor for Peter Parker. He didn't do a bad job here, there just wasn't a whole lot of him. Aunt May was disconcertingly hot, which I guess the filmmakers realized because they had Iron Man comment on it.

So currently, I don't see anything that foretells ruin on the horizon for Spider-Man's solo movie, but we really don't have much to go on. It could go either way. In any case, I'm more eagerly anticipating the animated Spider-Man one written by the guys that made Lego Movie. Yeah, it's happening!

Making Movies Into Comics (And Vice Versa)

Movies used to be so simple. You're 11, you go grab some popcorn, watch a couple hours of Spider-Man being sad and punching dudes, then you go home and you don't have to think about it anymore. If something didn't make sense in the movie, it was the filmmaker's fault. You could speculate on things if you knew the source material, try to figure out what was next in the franchise or explain an inconsistency, but at the end of the day, everything you really needed was in that 2 hours of footage. Then Marvel Studios happened.

Secret Wars? More like SECRET BORES

Here we friggin' go goddamn again.

If you follow this crap at all, you're likely already aware that Marvel comics is planning to reboot its universe in the upcoming crossover event, Secret Wars. No no, not the good one they did in the Spider-Man cartoon, this is a new one that makes a lot less sense. In this, all the disparate universes of the Marvel uh, universe are being smashed together, so then there's only one. You know, nothing at all like that one famous DC story where the exact same thing happens.

You all know how I feel about reboots. Especially ones of this sheer scale. After regarding this announcement with indignation, I began to wonder: Why? Was continuity really a big problem for Marvel? It seemed in lieu of reboots, they just launched different initiatives, like Marvel NOW! or All-New Marvel NOW! Is this really a problem that couldn't be fixed by restarting all the issues' numbers and labeling it All-New Absolutely Original We Mean It This Time Marvel RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW! Well, speculation on why Marvel is undergoing a Crisis of Infinite Bullshit is already underway.

The Ultimate Universe, the rebelling younger sibling of Marvel, has been on, shall we say, a downward trend lately. And by that I mean it went from quite a few titles, like X-Man, Iron Man, Ultimates, and Spider-Man, to pretty much just Spider-Man. This is more than likely because nobody bought anything that wasn't Ultimate Spider-Man, so titles routinely got axed. Now they've come up with a way to just do away with the separate publishing line and jam Miles Morales in with everyone else people know from movies. I would say this misses the point of the Ultimate Universe, a way to just retell stories with a new lens and different inspiration, but that went out the window the moment Spider-Men became a thing.

Other sources of speculation say this is just to turn the comic universe into the movie universe, so everyone can taste that sweet, sweet blockbuster money. Publisher Dan Buckley has said this would be virtually impossible, and I guess he's right. There is, however, one thing people have mentioned that certainly seems more likely, if not more reasonable. That is: to get rid of the X-Men from Marvel Comics.

If you don't obsessively follow this stuff, you might not be aware that as far as film licenses are concerned, Marvel doesn't own the X-Men. Fox has the rights and seems very recalcitrant in bids to relinquish them. One would think that comics and movies could exist independently, without a comic publisher making any rash moves because the studio branch can't access certain characters. But no, Marvel is pretty mad. So mad, in fact, that writers are banned from making new X-Men characters as Chris Claremont revealed last year.

Rumors have surfaced of a kind of X-Men embargo within the publisher, which seems supported by the recent Death of Wolverine and Inhuman stories. Death of Wolverine makes sense, kill the cash cow character so Fox can't turn that into movie-bucks. The whole Inhuman thing is a bit more complex. In-story, the terragen mists responsible for giving the original Inhumans their powers were released on earth, giving random people various superpowers. These (un)fortunate individuals were quickly seen as a menace, distrusted by their families and communities, and have to hide their powers to keep their normal lives. Sound familiar? They can have their persecuted superhero cake and eat it too. Once they've banished X-Men from current canon, Inhumans can fill in the slack.

Of course, the most reasonable explanation for this is that it will garner the most treasured asset a publisher could hope for, the fabled New Readers. Any reboot is really aiming for that, when you get down to it. The problem is, I think Marvel is trying to lure in old readers too with some continuity porn in the process. It's a chicken-or-egg question at this point, but it looks like this is going to be a whole lot like Spider-Verse, but with everyone. Cap-Verse, Thor-Verse. Universe-Verse.

So yeah. Marvel wants to revitalize its line by copying something DC did back in 1985. It really doesn't matter much if it's good or not, a shitload of people are buying it no matter what. At the very least it'll be interesting to see what really motivated this. Man, I sure can't wait to read all the new #1 issues of comics I don't care about anymore!