Thursday, November 4, 2010

Spider-Man: Origin of the Species Part 1 and 2

Now that I have a job again, I have money, and with that money I am buying comics. One of these comics I got at Comic-Con, but is by no means one of superior quality. Mostly because it's Spider-Man. Yep, just when you (mostly I) thought it couldn't get any worse, it really does. Let's delve into the horror of:

Comic Review: Amazing Spider-Man 642 & 643

Now, the Grim Hunt wasn't bad, and from what I read One Moment In Time was a pretty reasonable flashback explaining One More Day. Of course, I still didn't like it because it was in support of One More Day, but as far as that goes it was acceptable. This storyline... man... it's a doozy.

Remember American Son? That storyline where I posted a three part review wherein Norman Osborn impregnated Lily Hollister, Harry's former girlfriend. Yeah, I guess in-story it's 9 months later.

First we have some mostly inconsequential Peter-is-a-loser stuff, and we see him fail on a date with Carlie. Behind the scenes some mysterious figure sent a lot of villains to get some mysterious object. BUT WE PROBABLY WON'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT IS. It all goes real south with this happens.

Yeah, so Lily, being pregnant as she is, saw fit to smash into a coffee shop rather than go to, I dunno, a hospital. We find out why when our next guests arrive.

Yep, Tombstone and Shocker have gotten their orders from our one and only Doctor Octopus, recent paralysis victim. Doc gets there just in time to deliver the baby, while the writer tries desperately to make him sound intelligent.

As our next comic begins, Doc Ock is examining the recently born baby. The really badly drawn recently born baby. He apparently thinks it can help cure his paralysis because it's a baby from two people who had taken the Goblin Serum. It doesn't really make sense, but I'll get to that later.
After breaking free from Doc's grasp, Spider-Man takes back the baby, and proceeds to go out the window with it. Webslinging. With a newborn. Oooh boy.

Jameson then appears on the news talking about how Spider-Man is being completely irresponsible with a newborn, Because he is. He demands Spider-Man be arrested, because, well, they have a footage of him putting a baby in serious danger. Can't really fault him there. Meanwhile Spider-Man is way higher than he should be, bringing the baby to a hospital.

Back at the coffee shop, Harry and MJ try to help Lily, who is pretty much freaking out at this point. Carlie, who is not yet used to Peter suddenly disappearing whenever villains attack, goes looking for him in the rubble, but only hears a ringing cell phone. Back with Spider-Man and the surely dead baby, he's almost got to the hospital, when Electro attacks, the next member of the Doc Ock Baby Stealin' Squad.

He wants the baby too, apparently. Spider-Man swings away from Electro and runs straight into the police. Who, obviously, want him to hand over the baby. And he doesn't, because... uh, because... He's keeping the baby safe? At any rate, the police are scared away by the next baby-stealing villain, Sandman. Why?! Why would Doc Ock want this baby that never should have been?!

Is this supposed to be some sorry excuse for a new Sinister Six? I mean, that's half so far. If so, damn, have they come to a new low. First their plans were to destroy Spider-Man, then they were for some vague stereotypical plan to conquer the world, and now, they're trying to steal a baby. Why doesn't Ock just start a meth lab? Really not that much farther to fall.

So Spider-Man uses science-think to beat both Electro and Sandman at once, at which point he is confronted with a familiar problem.

He smashes through a wall. Not just into, through. And we check back in on Carlie, who apparently has been looking for the ringing cell phone this whole time. When she finds it, she deduces that it is not, in fact, Peter's. Tombstone, apparently having just regained consciousness, looms ominously behind her.

We join Spider-Man and his almost certainly dead at this point baby, in the office he smashed into. Police have shown up, with a bunch of cars and a reporter outside. Rather than, you know, give the baby to the police who might be able to bring it to a hospital or something, Spider-Man just swings away again.

We cut forebodingly to Doctor Octopus, in his secret TV lab, claiming he can see Spider-Man because he watches a lot of daytime television.

So one question is: What did I think of this issue? Do you really need to ask? I don't even know how this got through. You'd think the this team would've gotten fired forever after they made the Electro part of the Gauntlet storyline. I mean, the art is terrible, the baby looks like some little abomination, Carlie, who is actually supposed to be rather attractive, looks like a man, all facial expressions are grimaces, and everything just looks... dirty. For some reason, this artist only draws stuff that's supposed to take place during a hot day. I guess that makes sense, if that's how the characters are supposed to look while I'm having a heat stroke.

Well... Next issue, what happens is what I really expected to happen. Find out next time, on The W Defender!

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