Madame Web (2024)

Movie of the year movie of the year MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Madame Web is one of those movies I didn't know they made anymore. I laughed many times in this movie, but not once after an intentional joke. Any good performances are buried under the detritus of weird lines, awkward editing, and awe-inducing plot connections.

The film stars Dakota Johnson of Fifty Shades of Grey fame playing Cassandra Webb, whose mother was researching spiders in the Amazon right before she died. The specific spider she was researching was one that for no explainable reason gives everyone it bites superpowers, so of course the man she hired for security on this research expedition shoots her and takes the spider. Don't worry though, there's a tribe of Peruvians called Las Arañas (or something) that all dress like Spider-Man and have spider powers, who try to save Cassie's mother's life by having one of their magic spiders bite her, but she dies birthing Cassie anyway. In present day, Cassie works with Ben Parker (?!??) as an EMT and after almost drowning at the scene of a car accident starts having psychic visions of the future. Her visions start to coalesce on three teen girls who are being hunted by Ezekiel Sims, the aforementioned spider-thief who thinks these teens are gonna kill him because he had a dream about it. Things go on from there.

Cassie is supposed to be a socially awkward weirdo I think, but instead comes off as a robot who has a quiet contempt for every person around her. Her interactions with the three teens (who are destined to become Spider-Women because sure why not) mostly consist of yelling and strained silence. Based on a single sentence uttered by Julia Cornwall (they changed her name from Carpenter for some reason) the police have branded Cassie a kidnapper and nobody tries to rectify that situation for the whole movie. Despite this, Cassie easily flies to Peru to "find answers" later on in the film with no apparent issues.

The Teens are boilerplate, Julia is the bookish shy one, Mattie Franklin is the rebellious skateboarder, and Anya Corazon is the science nerd. They really don't do much except bicker a little bit and follow directions after Cassie yells at them. The glamor shots in the trailer of all three as Spider-Women come from short flash-forwards at the beginning and end of the movie, so we don't see them actually being superpowered because I guess that happens later.

But you know who does have spider powers?? Ezekiel Sims is the best part of this movie. Not because I think they did anything well with him, no no no. Ezekiel dresses like discount Kaine and can kill people with his poison touch, but he mostly just gets hit by cars. For a reason I cannot fathom, every single line he says is rerecorded. There are times that his lines don't match his mouth movements even though one must assume it's the same guy saying the line as when they filmed it. The kicker is: They don't even sound good! It's getting to Tommy Wiseau level of ADR, where every line is detached and uncanny.

Speaking of which, that's where this flick shines. You thought the "He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died." was a stilted line with a worse delivery, but believe me there is far more treasure in there. It's funny that they felt the need to take that specific line out of the movie, but left in where Cassie says, "I don't have a neuromuscular disorder." with the same tone as someone denying they're wearing mismatched shoes. Sometimes I repeat to myself, "The girls? The girls have powers? In the future?" I can't possibly list them all, they blaze by like an entire fireworks show going off at once, you're still goggling at the first one before five more fill the gap.

Now there's no way of verifying this unless some actors decide to spill, but it seems like they added a bunch of extra scenes to reiterate things you should already have figured out. You get the backstories of each of the teens twice, the same scenes of Cassie's mom (who was in the Amazon researching spiders right before she died) and it's confusing because it's alongside the repetition they do to show Cassie is experiencing visions! But at the same time there's stuff buried in the movie like they want nerds to analyze it like the first Iron Man movie. So like the Parker family is in there. Emma Roberts plays Mary Parker, Peter Parker's mom, who is pregnant with little Petey, though they never ever say that the child will be named Peter. They only mention the name "Parker" once, even though Ben is Cassie's only friend and Peter's birth is the catalyst for the climax. Is it drilled into your head that the fireworks warehouse on the docks (sponsored by Pepsico) is a deathtrap no less than four times, but the fact that Peter Parker's birth happens in this movie is some kinda Agatha Christie caper for you to figure out.

Now I'm gonna spoil some things because who gives a shit. At the end Cassie is blinded after getting hit in the face by some fireworks after she beats Ezekiel. They go to great pains to show you that she has become blind, with the gray eyes of movie blind, a big bandage over her eyes in the hospital, and sunglasses in the final scene. But also in that final scene, Cassie is suddenly in a motorized wheelchair. She has become paraplegic? I think? I have no idea why. I watched this fucking movie twice because I was sure that I missed something. The only possible explanation that exists within the movie is that Cassie does, in fact, have a neuromuscular disorder, only it skipped the first few decades of her life and caught up with her after she got blind.

There's just so much in this goddamn movie. I haven't even started on Las Arañas and how they all paint themselves red and cover themselves in web patterns and that means Spider-Man is appropriating the culture of this Peruvian tribe of spider men. Or that it didn't even need to be a science spider that bit Peter because there just exists a superpower granting spider, which is great unless you shot a pregnant woman to get one because then you are cursed with dreaming of three hot women in spandex killing you. (Where's the downside?)

It's great. I love it. Make more, please.

Pizza Hut's Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza

I furtively dialed a number with shaky hands. Glancing from side to side, making sure nobody was watching, I resolutely hit the call button.

"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, how can I help you?" said the disembodied voice. An unwilling accomplice to my heinous premeditation.

"Hi, could I order the, uh, the Cheezit pizza"

"You want the Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza?" they asked, blasé in the face of the uncanny.

"Yes, yes goddamn it."

Taken aback by my curtness, they began the next statement with an extra gentle tenor.

"Would you like that with pepperoni?"

I sighed, and a single tear ran down my cheek.

"Just fuck me up."

What is rock bottom? Is it a place? A feeling? Can it be a food?

Is it this food?

Is this food?

After a certain point in life, you assume you know how the world functions. Most of things you deal with day-to-day make sense. But then you start working a night shift and the most deranged minds on the planet gain employment at a pizza company R&D department. Day is night, dinner is breakfast, and everything you came to trust comes crashing down beneath you. As hard as I try, I cannot wrap my head around how this was meant to be a pizza. They couldn't even be bothered to use the one culinary term that gives one carte blanche to do as they wish, "deconstructed."

This idea, and I'm ashamed to admit it, wasn't doomed from the start. Burger King has had, on a few occasions, the illustrious Mac n' Cheetos, another snack melded with comfort food into a brobdingnagian chimera. But it worked. It was essentially just deep friend mac & cheese, a state fair staple, but breaded with Cheeto dust. I've always scrambled to get it before it discontinued again, but little did I know it seeded a virulent idea in some disturbed individual.

There's one thing, and one thing only, I am willing to give Pizza Hut credit for.

It sure looks like a Cheez-it.

When one cooks, it's important to have varying tastes and textures put together that mesh well with one another. You have the crust on a cheesecake, pasta in soups. What you do not do, is take a cheese-flavored cracker, turn it into a crust, and fill it with substandard pizza cheese. But unfortunately for all of us, that is what transpired.

In the interest of pure inquiry, I first took a bite without availing myself of the proffered marinara. I soon saw my mistake. For one instant there's the alluring taste of a beloved Cheez-it, but then it's gone, like a kiss on the wind.

Then there's nothing. It's an undifferentiated mass of grease and something I could, only after rigorous investigation and soul searching, describe as cheese. They could have put anything in there! The supposed lifesaver of this dish is the marinara, a condiment I am quickly associating with culinary failure. With merely a dip, you transform the bland tasteless chunk into a chunk that tastes like marinara. That's it.

The astonishing thing is, if you let it sit for a few hours, intentionally neglect what was once a hot meal prepared for your enjoyment, it almost, not quite, but almost, resembles its namesake. It comes so close to having a crunch. It comes so close to really existing as food.

Why did things have to turn out like this? Just because something seems like a good idea to the guys in marketing doesn't mean you have to put it in production and actually sell it to innocent people. We have to learn from this, as a society. There must be a better way!

There you go I did it.

Let's Watch Woody Woodpecker

The self is a nebulous concept. Our identity, though seemingly concrete and continuous, shifts constantly throughout our lives. Things we believed were permanent facets of our personality alter considerably and until confronted with the difference we hardly notice. Like the Ship of Theseus, parts are replaced again and again, until the only point of reference is our physical appearance. We look back and find ourselves strangers, with confusing decisions and incomprehensible demeanor.

If such a thing goes unnoticed within ourselves, what about those we know? What changes could they undergo if we haven't seen them in years? Our memories betray us, giving us no indication of what they could have become. What changes lurk unseen behind their facade? How much of one's mind can you see through their eyes?

And what a pair of eyes this is.

What has happened to you, my old friend? You look so similar, and yet... You fill me with dread. Who are those people? Why does that woman look so aroused? There is only one way to know. I shudder at the thought.

Let's Watch: Woody Woodpecker

Man of Steel Review

So guess what I just saw. It's that movie about the guy who flies around, wears a blue suit and punches stuff. Not saving people, but I'll mention that later. It's time for:

Movie Review: Man of Steel

Okay. So. I'm not even quite sure where to begin. So the first part of this movie was an incredibly long opening sequence on Aiur Krypton where it takes far too long for Jor-El to send Kal-El off to Earth, and a bunch of other stuff to happen. That's one big problem with this movie, everything just takes way too friggin' long. I should not be dreading a fight scene in a superhero movie, but by the time I got to the final fight, I was so sick of them. A large portion of the movie is pointless fight scenes that just go on and on. At one point, I asked myself why Superman Kent was fighting two Kryptonians in Smallville. I couldn't come up with a good reason. At one point Kent fights a giant robot that makes scary arms come out of it, and I didn't know why he was taking so long with that either.

The biggest problem with this movie, however, was Superman. Well, the dude they decided to call Superman right at the end but never really earned the name. He saved, maybe, 10 people in this movie. Eight, really, if you count the two people he pretty much killed. Metropolis was leveled and probably thousands of people died. How is that a Superman movie?! At one point, Kent and Lois make out for a bit in the Metropolis ruins, when there are definitely dozens of people trapped in the surrounding rubble, but don't worry that can wait until Kent and Zod fly around and punch each other for the next hour.

The whole tone of the movie wasn't what a Superman movie should ever be. On the surface it was pretty much any other action movie. For a minute I thought they switched the last act with a Transformers movie. Jonathan "Never Save Anybody" Kent was the worst Super-father ever. So in a flashback, Clark saves a busful of children after it falls into a river, and the mother of a kid in it starts asking the Kents questions. Ol' Pa talks to Clark about it, telling him he shouldn't have done that. Clark says, "Should I have just let them die?!" And his dear old Dad, the foundation for Superman's unflinching morals, says, "Maybe..."

Let me say that again, Superman's dad suggested that he let a busful of children die! Then he dies saving a dog in a tornado for no reason. The whole movie makes a point of expressing that saving people's lives is less important than hiding the fact that you're an alien from everyone forever.

Lemme talk about some other characters real quick. The villains were evil-bland. They had suits that looked like a gothy high school student's doodles, with the face masks almost exactly resembling skulls. Zod tried really hard to kill Earth just because, and expected Kal-El to help him because he must be Raditz or something.

Lois Lane was just sort of there, without much of a personality either way. She did some stuff, but it doesn't matter that she did it, it could have been anyone else in her position and it would have come out the same.

There was a bunch of techno-science mumbo-jumbo about Kryptonian DNA and it's in Clark's cells, but that part was just a reason for Zod to want to kill Clark, and I don't really care about it.

I was aghast when Kal-El killed Zod. Not "Oh my god what an unexpected move!" aghast, I mean, this was "This is a mortal sin" aghast. Superman is essentially Find A Better Way-man. Superman is supposed to be that moral guide, who doesn't take the easy way out, who always does what's right. But in this he just kills a dude, feels super bad about it for a bit, but then he's over it.

Is this the Superman we have? One whose movie has a six or seven figure body count? The one who, when it seems like he's faced with no choice but to kill, kills anyway? One who is told, specifically, not to save people by his father, who then revokes ever being his father? So many things in this movie did not make it a good movie, and so many more things made it a terrible Superman movie.

The fight scenes were too long, many characters were one-sided, the body count was huge, and it was just way too damn pessimistic for a Superman movie. It didn't even do pessimism well,
it was sad and pointless for no reason. This was a bad start to a Superman franchise, since, you know, they already greenlit it, and a bad start to the planned Justice League franchise. This movie was bad, and I feel bad.

The Dark Knight Rises is Bad, and You Should Feel Bad

So, it seems I am one of the few people I know that didn't like the Dark Knight Rises. It's not just that I didn't like it, it's that the more I think about it, the more I dislike it.

So in the beginning we learn Bruce hasn't been Batman or left his house for 8 years. Eight! That's more years than it took him to become Batman. Why would he do that? Because Rachel died? Well, what the hell. He never really became Batman then, he just sorta took on the role once or twice and gave it up later. He didn't act the way Batman is supposed to act! I mean, in that whole 8 years, I'm supposed to think there was not one instance of people getting mugged in a dirty alley? Hell, I bet there were quite a few instances where 8 year olds were orphaned! But no, he could just give it up for 8 years, then be Batman for like 2 months, then give up Batman forever to go live with No Personality Woman.

Speaking of which, Catwoman. Well, the name's a misnomer, she's just Selina Kyle, normal thief who wears impractical clothing all the time. Her character was absolutely pointless. She knew where Bane was because the plot needed it. She helped Bruce because the plot needed it. She beat people up because the plot needed it. Bruce kept saying there was more to her, but really, his claim was the only evidence of that. The heels were stupid, she never needed to wear spandex because it served no function, and the movie would have gone on just fine without her.

Bane is easily the worst part of this movie. The whole time he rants on about Gothams reckoning, or gives some half-ass political commentary, like in the Stock Exchange when someone says, "There's no money for you to steal here!" and he replies, "Then what are you people doing here?" Oh Bane, do you need someone to explain stocks to you? I mean, there's no money to steal in an office, but a lot of people spend a lot of their time in one! He had no reason to say that anyway. His motivation wasn't political or philosophical or anything, he was just doing all this because Talia Al Ghul told him to! If you keep that in mind, nothing he says makes any sense. Take his big speech in front of Blackgate when he released the prisoners. Who was that for? The people of Gotham don't care, he's contradicting any talks of liberation by giving AK-47's to convicts. The prisoners are being given guns, I think any reasoning is pointless to them. It wasn't for Bruce, because Bane already told him he was just going to break Gotham. He just talked a big speech that had no point for anybody in the story. He said he was going to give Gotham hope before destroying it, but he didn't even do that! He just talked about redemption while having tanks roam around the city. All he did was confuse people!

Not to mention he was supposed to be League of Shadows, but if he never said anything about it, you would never know. He doesn't do anything ninjesque, he just punches people really hard and breaks their necks because he's a really big strong guy. Where did he even get his fanatically devoted henchmen? They can't be League of Shadows, because they were both dead and ninjas. None of these dudes were ninjas, they were beaten up by cops later! He couldn't have just hired them, because they were perfectly willing to die for him. It's never explained, at all. His whole plan with the bomb doesn't make sense either, how did the nuclear reactor become such an effective bomb in the span of a few minutes of Dr. Pavel working on it, and afterwards it had both a timer and trigger? It wasn't created to be a bomb, why did it serve that purpose so well if turning it into one was jury-rigging it?

Talia's motives didn't make much sense either. It just seemed really petty, what she was doing, trying to avenge her father or something even though apparently she never forgave him for forsaking Bane. She wasn't even needed in the story, if it was just Bane doing this for whatever reason it would have made a lot more sense, and then at least his long boring speeches would have given us some insight into his motivations.  Bane's voice was even worse. He sounded like Yoda and Sean Connery's lovechild wearing a Darth Vader mask. He would go through random changes in pitch, so his voice would go really high in the middle of a word and he just sounded goofy.

Does anyone even remember the last scene Bane was in? He was defeated in the most underwhelming way possible. He's shot by Selina and never seen again. Speaking of underwhelming scenes, when Bane breaks Batman. It takes a second and a little crack for Bane to do the bad wrestling move that we later learn broke Batman's back. I didn't even know it happened at first, I thought he just did a normal leg drop and the camera cut to Selina looking sad. It's supposed to be a big moment, but I barely knew it happened. Oh, and later some random asshole in the prison punches Bruce in the back and fixes it, so easy come easy go for that. I noticed the only way they could justify Bane beating Batman the first time was to have Batman not do shit for 8 years. Originally, Bane actually, you know, was better than Batman and planned to beat him. In this, Bane was pretty luckly Batman sucked at first.

The only redeeming parts of this movie were Commissioner Gordon and John Blake. At least their characters made sense and I didn't hate them. Of course, at the end, Bruce kinda screwed Blake over by pretty much making him become Batman. Let's think about what advantages Bruce had when he became Batman. Training by the League of Shadows, nearly unlimited financial resources, tech straight from Wayne Industries, and a whole lot of free time. What does Blake have? Oh, not even the free time because he still has to get a job to feed himself! The only reason we could believe Batman wouldn't just get shot and die was because of all these advantages, and Blake will have none of them, but it's okay, Bruce is happy and in Florence! Bruce didn't earn that ending, he just quit being Batman again like he did right after The Dark Knight! And why did he run off with Selina? The only thing they had in common was their costume fetish.

This movie was bad. So bad. Bane doesn't even slightly match up with the Joker from The Dark Knight, who had a well reasoned motivation and was scary as hell. He proved his idea that anybody could be as crazy as him, even the best person in Gotham, by turning Harvey Dent into a murderer. Batman was the opposite of this idea, because Batman refused to kill. Oh, DKR also nullified that because Batman totally killed the driver of the bomb-truck when he shot at it with the Bat.

That's probably not all that was wrong, if anyone brings up anything else I'm likely to add to this. But yeah, The Dark Knight Rises was not even close to the Dark Knight, or Batman Begins. It was bad, and you should feel bad.

Spider-Man Can't Have a Sidekick

Welp. That's it. I quit. This happened. Spider-Man. Gets. A sidekick.

I cannot believe they are doing this. This is such a fundamental mistake, it never even occurred to me that they may make it. I thought they might give him a new costume or something. I thought you couldn't make a worse mistake than Spider-Men. And yet, here we are. Sidekick. I don't know where to start with this.

Spider-Man is not a hero to have a sidekick. He's not the hero that pals around with a kid, making that kid get in the path of bullets. Having a sidekick means willingly putting someone else into a dangerous situation that usually only you would have to deal with. Spider-Man would feel obligated to making sure said kid didn't get hurt during any of the fights or danger, and that would be a hamper to Spider-Man's effectiveness. If the kid definitely won't get hurt, why does he need Spider-Man? The Spider-Man I know wouldn't say, "Oh kid, you got superpowers? Well, time to put on some tights and get shot at!" He knows, himself, how shitty being a superhero is. He wouldn't wish it upon someone else. Yeah, it has its perks, but it ruins his civilian life immensely. If someone is intent upon becoming a vigilante, he's not going to tell them no, but he won't start a long working relationship with them. The minute Spider-Man gets a sidekick is the minute he becomes a father.

See, this is the worst part, it negates the only good part of Brand New Day! I'm not saying it was good, but at the very least it allowed him to start fresh and maybe seem a little younger. This ages him more than anything else could! He's now tethered to this kid like a ball and chain! A sidekick works for Batman because Batman is dark and gritty, so a little innocent kid around helps him see past that and embrace the warmer parts of his character, and the whole fatherhood angle fits in well with the way he protects Gotham City. Plus, Batman trains them like hell to be like him. Spider-Man is meant to be freelance. Look at Spider-Girl. The only reason he lets his daughter go out in spandex and fight crime is because he has no leg, so he can't.

I can understand making a new hero, but don't tie him inextricably with Spider-Man. Spider-Man wasn't about learning lessons because people told you. Spider-Man was about learning the lessons that couldn't be told by making mistakes, and improving, and trying harder each time to do the right thing. He didn't ask adults for help. In fact, most adults were actively trying to stop him or just didn't understand what he was doing. For Spider-Man to then turn around and start giving lessons to some kid who got superpowers is contrary to the point of Spider-Man.

This is why I didn't like the new Ultimate Spider-Man comic or cartoon. In it, Nick Fury is explicitly telling Spider-Man what to do, how to do it, and just giving him school lessons on how to be a superhero. Spider-Man is just handed things and and a lesson plan and he screws up a bit before finally he wins the lesson and Fury is happy with him. This is terrible, because it takes away the freedom of Spider-Man. It takes away his individualism, which is a fundamental part of the character. He made the suit himself, he made the webshooters himself, he fights by himself, he makes mistakes by himself. Spider-Man was never about him being taught how to do everything right. It was about Peter Parker learning how to do things the right way by screwing them up.

I can only hope this is just another character that they will happen to introduce in Spider-Man. It's happened before. If they have a little team-up like Spider-Man is wont to do, then I'll be fine with it. But if this is permanent, this may be even worse than One More Day.

EDIT: I just remembered, Stan Lee made Spider-Man originally as a counter to sidekicks of the day! In any other comic book, a kid that age would have been a sidekick to an older hero, but Stan Lee hated that idea, and so made Spider-Man with that in mind. This is a spit in the face of the original concept.

Ultimate Spider-Man Animated Series Review

Hey guys. Since I have nothing going on in my life, I decided to wake up early, watch the premier of the new Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon, and liveblog it, or whatever the hell it's called. Or just a review. I don't know. This is more than likely to just be a lot of angry words typed with capslock.

Starting out:

We got J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson, which is just amazing. That is ruined by Drake Bell's Spider-Man. Ow. Spider-Man just keeps bitching about being a super hero. Great. Oh god, they have cutaway gags. I really hope that's not a running thing.

He starts narrating to the audience about how Spider-sense works. Aaaand now Nick Fury's in the picture. Nick Fury explains that Spider-Man needs SHIELD training, because otherwise he will suck and that will cause problems for everyone. Uh oh.

I am so sick of these cutaway gags, and Spider-Man talking to the camera. I am being insulted here. He just starts mentioning Uncle Ben over and over. Compared to everything else, THIS is what I find heavyhanded.

Oh great, they gave him a new webshooter. That's what I needed in my Spider-Man, for them to take away everything he earned himself.

Now we get an obvious Evil Norman Osborn scene. He wants to make an army of Spider-Men, right off the bat he explains this to the audience. We don't see him as a businessman, philanthropist, anything, just him in a dark room talking about how much money he can make if he made super soldiers.

Okay, so it looks like Mary Jane is based on the Ultimate comics, Wanting to be a journalist and whatnot. Harry looks to be Ultimate-based too. I guess I have no problems with that.

PETER! STOP TALKING TO THE CAMERA! AAAAAAAAUUUUUGH

MORE CUTAWAY GAGS. PETER YOU GAVE THE WORST REASON TO NOT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF FLASH. There is just no nuance or subtlety to anything in this show. It's just "LOOK I'M SPIDER-MAN RESPONSIBILITY HEY GUYS RESPONSIBILITY"

Oh hey a Stan Lee cameo. That helps my aching heart.

This narration is the laziest narrative device I've ever seen. Instead of finding ways for us to find out who different villains are, we get a goddamn school lesson from Peter. It might not be so bad if I didn't find Drake Bell's voice so annoying.

So the Frightful Four attack, trying to find Spider-Man in the school, hired by Doc Ock who is ordered by Norman. Norman calls off the attack when he realizes the school being attacked is the same one Harry goes to.

Oh god, his banter is so bad. No, no no no no. Okay, so the fight scene itself isn't so bad. There's a villain teamup and he's using their strengths against one another, so that's good. This is just one of the times I wish Spider-Man would just STOP TALKING.

Woah, Aunt May is waaaay young. She looks like a 30 year old with white hair.

SO MANY CUTAWAY GAGS. LAZY LAZY LAZY WRITING.

And now a Spider-Man is talking to Peter through the mirror. Is that okay? It just seems to me that he's getting a little crazy. Of course, that thing outlines every problem he has right now, in the most obvious fashion. With that, Peter decides he needs SHIELD training, for some reason.

He gets onto the Helicarrier, or Triskelion or what have you, but only by using the webshooter Nick Fury gave him.

Oh, the next episode. Might as well keep going here.

Spider-Man is fighting some robots for training, because that's not the most cliched thing I've ever seen. All the while mentioning things that lead to cutaway gags.

Hey, you know what, Aunt May is kind hot in this show. No, really guys.

Oh god. Oh god, a super team. Why the hell is there a team of kid heroes. So there's a kid version of Iron Fist, a Kid Nova, and two other people I don't care about. They talk about how much Spider-Man sucks, and how he can't be on the team. Good! I don't want him to join your stupid team! But I know he will because this show is determined to show how any trace of individualism is futile and will always make you fail. What you need is a super-team and backing from a government agency.

I HATE DRAKE BELL'S STUPID VOICE. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I WISH I COULD HATE IT TO DEATH. He screams and screeches and it never ends.

And now Peter's recapping the last episode, by talking to the camera. He's looking at it.

Mary Jane wants to find Spider-Man, so she can interview him I guess. At least Peter realizes his voice might give him away if he talked to MJ dressed as Spider-Man.

Back on the Helicarrier, we get my favorite thing, Spider-Man taking orders.

Now Curt Conners is apparently an engineer, not biologist. And he has two arms. They talk about a bunch of new "Spider-gadgets" and Spider-Man asks what happens if he refuses the new tech. Fury tells him he doesn't have a choice. That's juuust great. Does anyone else find this to be a bit contrary to the usual essense of Spider-Man? Spider-Man's whole shtick is that he's just one dude who's more or less self-made, doesn't take orders from people, and has the smarts to make it on his own.

WHY IS THERE A GODDAMN MOTORCYCLE. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Oh god, why would they do this to me. He rides the motorcycle out of the Helicarrier, and we get yet another cut of Spider-Man falling down while screeching like a goddamn banshee. Why do they make him scream so much.

WHY DOES THE MOTORCYCLE HAVE WEBBING. AT WHAT POINT DID SPIDER-MAN EVER NEED A FREAKING MOTORCYCLE. THERE'S A REASON THE SPIDER-CAR IS A GIANT JOKE.

So there's a giant pointless "action sequence" where he runs around on his motorcycle a while and screams the whole time. The new team saves him and introduces themselves. Iron Fist, White Tiger, Power Man, and Nova.

Spider-Man, stop talking about responsibility. I get it, that's your thing, stop talking about it. Auuugh, he doesn't want to join a team because other people might get hurt? No, he shouldn't want to join a team because SPIDER-MAN IS FREELANCE.

So he gets captured, which will only go to show how much he obviously needs to be on a team. Yeah, the Frightful Four mention that's there's more of them than there is of him, and proceed to beat the crap out of him. So he screams more. Then the super-team shows up and we all learn about the power of teamwork.

Then, because the plot demands it, Spider-Man joins the team and everyone's happy. Uh oh. The super team is now his classmates. And Agent Coulson of SHIELD is the new principle. So Nick Fury can "Keep an eye" on Peter. Then the episode ends.

So let's go over what's wrong with this show: Talking to the audience, a complete lack of subtlety in any form, the horrible cutaway gags that make this worse than Family Guy, the lack of any good banter from Spider-Man, and the general themes of the show. Usually with Spider-Man, the fact that he's self-made, that he's a loner more or less are main themes. Sure, there'll be a teamup now and then, but nobody trained him, nobody tells him what to do. He didn't work for the government, he worked for the people, just trying to save people when he could. The new show seems to be about how Spider-Man can get all his training, technology, and orders from SHIELD. The whole direction of the show is one I'm not comfortable with.

Oh, and THE GODDAMN MOTORCYCLE. ACFHJKLSDH W DEFENDER AL:fjoaf

Green Lantern Review

Yes, I saw Green Lantern. My thoughts? Not very good. (Also, major spoilers ahead)

The entire first half of this movie is exposition, wherein we are introduced to the Green Lantern Corps, Hal Jordan, Carol Ferris, Hector Hammond (Hereafter referred to as Dr. Forehead), Hector Hammond's dad, Sinestro, Hal's family that gets a cameo, and some other people I immediately forgot.

The main problem this film had was it couldn't focus at all. It can't decide whether Hector Hammond is a major character, if Hal's character arc matters, if they should focus on the giant space battles or the small stuff on Earth, or a million other things. I honestly couldn't care less when Hal decided to quit the Corps almost immediately after being inducted, because I wanted to care about the Green Lantern Corps  and the giant space thing they were supposed to fight. But rather than care about that, we got to see Hal fly around and try to get laid. A lot of the time, the writing was just sloppy. For example, when Hal is inducted into the Corps, Sinestro feels that Hal cannot replace his old friend Abin Sur. How do they communicate this? Sinestro tells Hal that he can't replace his old friend Abin Sur. When Hal has to stop being scared and overcome his fear? Carol tells him to stop being scared and overcome his fear.

The problem with focus is furthered with the villains, Dr. Forehead and Parallax. Forehead has as little introduction as possible before becoming a villain of sorts, while Parallax is kind of explained in the opening crawl, and a tiny bit more during the 40 minutes of exposition. All the parts with Dr. Forehead seem too diminuitive when compared with the potential giant space battles, but Parallax just seems too much like the big scary monster. Parallax's first line in the movie is to some things he kills, and is as follows: "Are you afraid? Good." Hammond spends 80% of his time either screaming or laying down, while Parallax spends all of his time trying to look scary.

With Hal, they throw in random parts of backstory that hardly matter, like a flashback of his dad exploding in a plane (which is unintentionally hilarious), and one of his relatives mentioning a motorcycle accident he had. His personality is annoying at best. They try to shoehorn in some sort of parallel between Hal and Hammond, but it really doesn't make any sense.

Carol Ferris is Hal's love interest, but any scene with them together is just hackeyed and grating to watch. It is mentioned once or twice that Hammond was in love with her, or something, and it doesn't really go anywhere.

A lot of things don't go anywhere, or are just barely developed, like Sinestro, who should've been an interesting character, and is quite obviously going to be a villain next movie, but he barely has any screentime and his motives make no sense. He makes a yellow ring that uses the power of fear, to fight a being of pure fear. Yeah.

A big problem with the movie was the designs and CGI. As you know, Ryan Reynold's costume was all CGI, and it was glaringly obvious. His little mask and whitened eyes stood out like eyesores every time they were on-screen. They were such bad CGI that they made his face look CGI. His regular, normal face. Abin Sur looks very very familiar.

Pictured: Abin Sur.

Parallax, who is supposed to be the abstract concept of fear, is instead Megamind with tentacles.

I'm being serious here.

Dr. Forehead started out as a normal guy, but then his forehead mutated, somehow giving him chin-fat, and he started wheezing for the rest of the movie. I understand that they were trying to make him repulsive, but they went so far that I wanted any scene with him in it to quickly be over, because every time he was on-screen I felt like I needed a shower.

What doesn't make sense is that during the whole movie, it talks about overcoming fear, so you would think that just by overcoming their fear, the Green Lanterns would defeat Parallax. But no, instead Parallax is beaten by being punched into the sun. See, the only thing to fear isn't fear itself, but a giant scary monster. Which you can then kill forever by punching into the sun. Despite the fact that it's made of fear.

The director desperately wanted to show a parallel between Forehead and Hal, by showing Hal trying to figure out how to work the lantern between cuts of Dr. Forehead inexplicably becoming mutated from bits of Parallax he touched. This goes so far as to have, in the middle of a fight scene, a part where Hal and Forehead fall down next to each other (and continue to lie there for a considerable time) and Forehead says, and I quote, "How did we end up so different?" trying to pummel the audience over the head with the symbolism.

As far as the fight scenes went, some of them weren't so bad. The power ring effects weren't bad most of the time, and it was about the only time the obvious CGI was fitting. Of course, the closest he comes to actually fighting is having a little will-battle with Dr. Forehead or when he's drilling through MegaTentacle.

Overall, it was disappointing, disjointed, and stunted. So much went on that had no resolution or conclusion, and what was concluded felt rushed and not well thought out. The effects never looked terribly good, the characters never had any development or many if any likeable moments, and the movie had more exposition than it had resolution. I wouldn't suggest seeing it, unless you must see what they've done to our characters. In Brightest Day, in Blackest Night, this is the W Defender.

DC: Killer of Continuity

What the freaking hell. You may have heard recently that DC Comics is rebooting all of its titles, starting them off at #1. All of them. I figured something would happen after Flashpoint (the newest crossover crisis thingy) had ended, and I really should've suspected it was something like this.

I just hate it so much when they do this. I mean, for one thing, they just rebooted Wonder Woman! Why would they do it again?! Comic publishers never seem to know what fans want. They either give us the same stories again and again without changing anything, hoping the nostalgia will sell itself, or ignore everything that came before in reboots and stories for "today's audience."

One example of this failing is with one comic in particular: Spider-Man: Chapter One. This was a sales ploy by Marvel to bring new readers to Spider-Man, by retelling his early stories in a way that would replace the old Stan Lee and Steve Ditko stories. Sure, it gained a few new readers, but anyone who had read Spider-Man before that point despised it. It finished its run, but now no mention of it is ever made. Shortly after it finished, they decided to try something a bit different, that actually worked: Ultimate Spider-Man. Putting it in an alternate universe solved a lot of problems in that you didn't mess with any of the previous continuity, and Ultimate Spider-Man turned out to be a huge success.

I think the main problem I have with replacing or deleting old continuity in a bid to gain new readers is the fact that for those who have been reading comics, it makes it seem like all those comics they bought and read were completely pointless. Sure, if it was something stupid like the Clone Saga, people are glad it never existed, but in a case like this, DC is deleting some beloved stories and characters. I say this taking into account that I was very close to becoming DC-only when Amazing Spider-Man hit its lowest point, and DC was busting out their crossover epic, Blackest Night. It just seems insulting that to gain new readers, they'll forsake the old readers who faithfully bought and collected these issues. It's telling the old faithful readers, "Oh, that stuff you bought and read? It's wrong. You didn't even need to get that stuff. What matters is this new stuff, right here. Buy all of it.”

Once again, I have an excuse to explain why I hate One More Day. It said, “Oh, all those loving moments between Peter and Mary Jane, the shaky, strong, and tender parts of their long marriage? Those are meaningless. Now buy these stories about Peter as a swinging bachelor.”

And the problem is, to deal with this sort of backlash, a lot of publishers will start making nostalgia-fodder stories, which do little to improve the state of their comics. Most readers have read or know what happens in the old stuff, so there’s no reason to do it again. They don’t want the same stories retread, they just want the publishers and writers to acknowledge that they happened.

In short: This sort of thing is just insulting to old readers, and really, has it ever really helped new readers? The only ones who seem to care are the old readers who are upset. At least now I know there’s no point in buying DC Comics until September, so I won’t waste my money.

UPDATE:

They've released the full page of redesigns for the new Justice League. I am less than impressed.

So we have new designs for Wonder Woman and Batman, who were JUST REDESIGNED. Flash looks like a cross between Barry Allen and Wally West, but primarily Allen, which I don't like because I miss Wally West. They got rid of Superman's red underpants, which serve the very important purpose of making the inevitable crotch-bulge less noticeable. Green Lantern seems to have a gatling gun for a dick.

Spider-Man: Origin of the Species Part 1 and 2

Now that I have a job again, I have money, and with that money I am buying comics. One of these comics I got at Comic-Con, but is by no means one of superior quality. Mostly because it's Spider-Man. Yep, just when you (mostly I) thought it couldn't get any worse, it really does. Let's delve into the horror of:

Comic Review: Amazing Spider-Man 642 & 643



Now, the Grim Hunt wasn't bad, and from what I read One Moment In Time was a pretty reasonable flashback explaining One More Day. Of course, I still didn't like it because it was in support of One More Day, but as far as that goes it was acceptable. This storyline... man... it's a doozy.

Remember American Son? That storyline where I posted a three part review wherein Norman Osborn impregnated Lily Hollister, Harry's former girlfriend. Yeah, I guess in-story it's 9 months later.

First we have some mostly inconsequential Peter-is-a-loser stuff, and we see him fail on a date with Carlie. Behind the scenes some mysterious figure sent a lot of villains to get some mysterious object. BUT WE PROBABLY WON'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT IS. It all goes real south with this happens.



Yeah, so Lily, being pregnant as she is, saw fit to smash into a coffee shop rather than go to, I dunno, a hospital. We find out why when our next guests arrive.



Yep, Tombstone and Shocker have gotten their orders from our one and only Doctor Octopus, recent paralysis victim. Doc gets there just in time to deliver the baby, while the writer tries desperately to make him sound intelligent.



As our next comic begins, Doc Ock is examining the recently born baby. The really badly drawn recently born baby. He apparently thinks it can help cure his paralysis because it's a baby from two people who had taken the Goblin Serum. It doesn't really make sense, but I'll get to that later.
After breaking free from Doc's grasp, Spider-Man takes back the baby, and proceeds to go out the window with it. Webslinging. With a newborn. Oooh boy.



Jameson then appears on the news talking about how Spider-Man is being completely irresponsible with a newborn, Because he is. He demands Spider-Man be arrested, because, well, they have a footage of him putting a baby in serious danger. Can't really fault him there. Meanwhile Spider-Man is way higher than he should be, bringing the baby to a hospital.



Back at the coffee shop, Harry and MJ try to help Lily, who is pretty much freaking out at this point. Carlie, who is not yet used to Peter suddenly disappearing whenever villains attack, goes looking for him in the rubble, but only hears a ringing cell phone. Back with Spider-Man and the surely dead baby, he's almost got to the hospital, when Electro attacks, the next member of the Doc Ock Baby Stealin' Squad.



He wants the baby too, apparently. Spider-Man swings away from Electro and runs straight into the police. Who, obviously, want him to hand over the baby. And he doesn't, because... uh, because... He's keeping the baby safe? At any rate, the police are scared away by the next baby-stealing villain, Sandman. Why?! Why would Doc Ock want this baby that never should have been?!



Is this supposed to be some sorry excuse for a new Sinister Six? I mean, that's half so far. If so, damn, have they come to a new low. First their plans were to destroy Spider-Man, then they were for some vague stereotypical plan to conquer the world, and now, they're trying to steal a baby. Why doesn't Ock just start a meth lab? Really not that much farther to fall.

So Spider-Man uses science-think to beat both Electro and Sandman at once, at which point he is confronted with a familiar problem.



He smashes through a wall. Not just into, through. And we check back in on Carlie, who apparently has been looking for the ringing cell phone this whole time. When she finds it, she deduces that it is not, in fact, Peter's. Tombstone, apparently having just regained consciousness, looms ominously behind her.

We join Spider-Man and his almost certainly dead at this point baby, in the office he smashed into. Police have shown up, with a bunch of cars and a reporter outside. Rather than, you know, give the baby to the police who might be able to bring it to a hospital or something, Spider-Man just swings away again.

We cut forebodingly to Doctor Octopus, in his secret TV lab, claiming he can see Spider-Man because he watches a lot of daytime television.



So one question is: What did I think of this issue? Do you really need to ask? I don't even know how this got through. You'd think the this team would've gotten fired forever after they made the Electro part of the Gauntlet storyline. I mean, the art is terrible, the baby looks like some little abomination, Carlie, who is actually supposed to be rather attractive, looks like a man, all facial expressions are grimaces, and everything just looks... dirty. For some reason, this artist only draws stuff that's supposed to take place during a hot day. I guess that makes sense, if that's how the characters are supposed to look while I'm having a heat stroke.

Well... Next issue, what happens is what I really expected to happen. Find out next time, on The W Defender!