Pizza Hut's Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza

I furtively dialed a number with shaky hands. Glancing from side to side, making sure nobody was watching, I resolutely hit the call button.

"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, how can I help you?" said the disembodied voice. An unwilling accomplice to my heinous premeditation.

"Hi, could I order the, uh, the Cheezit pizza"

"You want the Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza?" they asked, blasé in the face of the uncanny.

"Yes, yes goddamn it."

Taken aback by my curtness, they began the next statement with an extra gentle tenor.

"Would you like that with pepperoni?"

I sighed, and a single tear ran down my cheek.

"Just fuck me up."

What is rock bottom? Is it a place? A feeling? Can it be a food?

Is it this food?

Is this food?

After a certain point in life, you assume you know how the world functions. Most of things you deal with day-to-day make sense. But then you start working a night shift and the most deranged minds on the planet gain employment at a pizza company R&D department. Day is night, dinner is breakfast, and everything you came to trust comes crashing down beneath you. As hard as I try, I cannot wrap my head around how this was meant to be a pizza. They couldn't even be bothered to use the one culinary term that gives one carte blanche to do as they wish, "deconstructed."

This idea, and I'm ashamed to admit it, wasn't doomed from the start. Burger King has had, on a few occasions, the illustrious Mac n' Cheetos, another snack melded with comfort food into a brobdingnagian chimera. But it worked. It was essentially just deep friend mac & cheese, a state fair staple, but breaded with Cheeto dust. I've always scrambled to get it before it discontinued again, but little did I know it seeded a virulent idea in some disturbed individual.

There's one thing, and one thing only, I am willing to give Pizza Hut credit for.

It sure looks like a Cheez-it.

When one cooks, it's important to have varying tastes and textures put together that mesh well with one another. You have the crust on a cheesecake, pasta in soups. What you do not do, is take a cheese-flavored cracker, turn it into a crust, and fill it with substandard pizza cheese. But unfortunately for all of us, that is what transpired.

In the interest of pure inquiry, I first took a bite without availing myself of the proffered marinara. I soon saw my mistake. For one instant there's the alluring taste of a beloved Cheez-it, but then it's gone, like a kiss on the wind.

Then there's nothing. It's an undifferentiated mass of grease and something I could, only after rigorous investigation and soul searching, describe as cheese. They could have put anything in there! The supposed lifesaver of this dish is the marinara, a condiment I am quickly associating with culinary failure. With merely a dip, you transform the bland tasteless chunk into a chunk that tastes like marinara. That's it.

The astonishing thing is, if you let it sit for a few hours, intentionally neglect what was once a hot meal prepared for your enjoyment, it almost, not quite, but almost, resembles its namesake. It comes so close to having a crunch. It comes so close to really existing as food.

Why did things have to turn out like this? Just because something seems like a good idea to the guys in marketing doesn't mean you have to put it in production and actually sell it to innocent people. We have to learn from this, as a society. There must be a better way!

There you go I did it.

Let's Watch Barbie Video Game Hero

We all carry with us the weight of our sins. Each of us has the secret knowledge of our regrets and misdeeds, and we all have different ways of serving penance for our mistakes. Some people deny themselves the comforts of life, like the simple extravagances we take for granted. Others subdue their needs in service of a greater cause.

I watch Barbie movies.

It was a cold, dark day when I saw it. Coat slick with freezing rain, hair matted to my forehead, I stumbled unknowingly into my bleak, impassive destiny. From the corner of my eye, burning like the ruins of Gomorrah, lay a neon pink display, housing what I wish I had never seen.

Barbie, Video Game Hero.

Get ready to power up! When Barbie™ magically gets pulled into her favorite video game, she is excited to see she's transformed into a fun roller-skating character. In the game, she meets Cutie, the lovable cloud-shaped friend, and Bella, the roller-skating princess. Together, they soon discover a mischievous emoji is trying to take control of the game. As they travel from level to level, Barbie™ must rely on her amazing gaming skills and out-of-the-box thinking to save her team and beat the game!

My hands, operating beyond my control, brought the DVD case to the counter. Face rigid with shame, I noted the cashier's befuddlement wordlessly. Driving home I felt the film's presence, like a baleful revenant, sitting beside me. Carrying it inside, the case seemed to grow heavier with each step, but I found myself unable to lessen my hold on it. I placed it on my desk, a watchful eye that refused to break its gaze. Now, the time has come, and I can avert my fate no longer. May God help us all.

Let's Watch: Barbie Video Game Hero

Sympathy for Raquelle

I've been watching a show called Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse lately. And you could say I've thought a little about it. In the same way that Newton thought a little about Calculus. It's a show about Barbie, living but also still a doll, with her family and friends, where every incarnation of the Barbie doll is canon.

The closest this show has to an antagonist is Barbie's frenemy, Raquelle. She, like every other character, seems to be fabulously wealthy with supermodel good looks. And yet, she's always trying to steal Barbie's spotlight (or boyfriend). Why? Isn't a life free of labor enough for her?

Let's begin by examining the object of Raquelle's ire, the very doll herself, Barbie. Barbie has had over 126 careers over her lifetime, and not because she gets fired a lot, she just gets bored. Nothing seems beyond the scope of her purview. Supermodel, racecar driver, even astronaut are just things Barbie did before she got tired of them. She has a network of devoted friends, a brand of clothing shops, impeccable judgement, loving sisters, and apparently the best boyfriend ever created. Despite being filthy rich and talented, Barbie retains her gracious nature, always willing to help a friend (or frenemy) in need. Barbie is the Übermensch, surpassing the limits of human development, never even deigning to seek reprisal for wrongs done against her. The next stage of humanity, a paragon of valor, ingenuity, and fashion.

Let me ask you something: How do you compete with the Übermensch? The short answer is: You can't. The rest of Barbie's friends are content being her cronies, ready at her whim to shower her with praise or bask in her glory. All except Raquelle. She's not content with her station in life. She wants more, she needs to surpass everyone's favorite polymath. But that's impossible. Barbie is perfect in every way (except for baking) and Raquelle has few, if any, skills. During Barbie's brief absence due to super fashion heroics, Raquelle was left to fill the void, but failed in every aspect. She can't act, be a runway model, or even advertise perfume.

The only time Raquelle seemed to prevail over Barbie was when Barbie let her. Having a bad hair day, Barbie decided to let Raquelle win for once, but her ever-adoring fandom refused to recognize Raquelle until Barbie faked a compliment. Barbie can't lose, the most Raquelle can hope for is a consolation prize. For poor Raquelle, this isn't close to a fair fight. Barbie's the dealer, and Raquelle knows the house always wins.

If only achievement were enough for Raquelle. When she found her way into an alternate dimension with a dull, self-deprecating Barbie, Raquelle quickly made her way to the top. A profitable boutique, zealous fans, the works. But it wasn't enough. Without the real Barbie to triumph over, it was all for naught. Raquelle doesn't want to be Barbie, she needs to beat Barbie.

So what recourse does she have? Raquelle can't submit herself to the will of Barbie, to her mass of weak-willed sycophants. She's unable to even enjoy simple companionship, Barbie's boyfriend Ken being really the only guy in town apart from Raquelle's brother, Ryan. Thus, bitterness. Scheming. Trying to find the one chink in Barbie's armor, the only specialization the queen has overlooked.

Can you blame her? She has her eyes set on stardom, but is destined for mediocrity. Nothing she tries ever succeeds, so she's stuck, mired in Barbie's gargantuan shadow. She seems full of herself, but it's just a front, a facade to convince herself life is still worth living. She's tired, and angry, and alone. All she wants is someone to acknowledge her existence, to stop looking in a mirror to prove she's real. She can't escape Barbie any more than she can escape her own inadequacy.

We may hate Raquelle. We may scorn and ridicule her. But what she represents is a fundamental part of the human experience. Through her spite and envy, she's the most human character in Malibu. She has foibles, tribulations, and nearly every single one of her enterprises ends in abject failure. Her far-fetched dreams remain unfulfilled, until all that is left is a sneering cynic who only longs for some attention. When we watch Raquelle, who's really looking into a mirror?

Little Caesar's Pretzel Crust Pizza

Once again I have succumbed to the siren song of cheap novelty pizza. I am but a man, and like the Greek heroes before me, I have a tragic flaw. That flaw is the irresistable compulsion to seek out and purchase any terrible pizza I have seen an advertisement for after the hour of 9 PM. That brings us to today's subject. Little Caesar's Pretzel Crust Pizza.

Unlike Pizza Hut, which has little to say about its relative quality, and Domino's, which is constantly attempting to prove that it is, in fact, a legitimate pizzeria, Little Caesar's has a different tactic. Little Caesar's main selling point is that one can obtain said pizza for a measly five dollars without ever leaving the comfort of one's car.

Some would have you believe pizza is meant to be comsumed in a sit-down environment, where your family can discuss the day after waiting 20 minutes for your custom-ordered delicacy to arrive. Little Caesar's, however, does away with any of that pretense. When you drive up to their boxy establishment, you are greeted immediately with a prepacked, premade, and utterly standard pizza. When you pay five dollars for a pizza there, you get exactly five dollars worth of pizza; no more, no less. Little Caesar's is the kind of pizza you are meant to eat alone.

So now we come to the main attraction, the Pretzel Crust Pizza. The main selling point, apart from the titular crust, is the replacement of the tomato sauce with a nacho cheese, similar to what one may find appropriate to dip a large pretzel in. My colleague was relieved to find the toppings kept from swimming in an overabundance of this sauce, while I was quietly disappointed.

All in all, a quiet disappointment is the prevailing sentiment this pizza creates. For all its bluster and pride, it does not seem to differentiate itself from the standard fare. The welcome lukewarm embrace of the unremarkably familiar tomato sauce is usurped by an even more underwhelming cheese. The crust you came to impersonally tolerate is tinted brown and covered in large chunks of salt.

Caesar's strength has become its weakness in this offering. This pizza is a paradox, an attempt to make an interesting pizza from a factory fitted only for the unexceptional. Cheap pizza gimmicks are a younger pizzeria's game. It seems Little Caesar's has forgotten the true purpose of its pizza: To be eaten slowly, grudgingly, lit only by the solitary glow of a computer monitor. This was the platonic ideal. This was PIZZA.

Let's Watch The Pirate Fairy

Guys, I'm gonna be honest, I never thought I'd be doing this. I've been working in a store recently, and in that store, there's a display TV that constantly plays whatever new kids movie came out on DVD. During Christmastime, I had to suffer through tiny clips of The Croods whenever I walked by that aisle, and I constantly got distracted by Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, so much so that I eventually watched it. There's something odd about catching random snippets of movies through an 8-hour workday, even moreso if that extends for weeks. Last month, we got some fairy movie, which annoyed me because I thought it would be annoying background noise to stocking shelves or whatnot. As the movie went on, there were a lot of times I had to stop while glancing past the TV, and say something like, "Wait, is that Tinkerbell?" or "Wait, is that Captain Hook?!" So now, I have to watch this movie. You might think I'm crazy, but I need to know what the hell this has to do with Peter Pan Lore. We all know how well my last liveblog went, so let's do that again! This is a great idea! Wait, no it isn--

Let's Watch: The Pirate Fairy

Pizza Hut's 3 Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza

Sometimes I think I might be too susceptible to advertising. I usually only think this when it's some weird time of night and I'm driving to a fast food place I just saw a commercial for. Either I'm gullible or I have a problem with self-control. Point is, last night I found myself at Pizza Hut, which I hope is a situation you never find yourself facing. Anyway, it's time for:

Oh God Why Did I Do This To Myself

My aim that night was the Three Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza from Pizza Hut. If I were a lawyer of any sort, I would have advised them to add a liberal amount of quotation marks to that title. I guess Stuffed could stay. In the kind of hungry furvor you only get after considering the point of your existence, I ordered it with bacon, pepperoni, and mushrooms. I would try to pinpoint which part was a mistake, but if I consider it at all every decision which lead to this was a miscalculation.

You buy a shitty pizza, and you expect grease, I get it. I expected grease. But this was another level. It left a visible sheen on the pizza box.

Look at dat grease.

The bacon, I thought, how could I go wrong? Well, it uh, it did. I don't know if it was the cheap bacon, or something wrong with the pizza itself, but a salty taste permeated every bite. Did it have cheese? My eyes said yes, but every other part said, "Maybe."

As for the unstuffed part of the crust. You know, the part under the cheese. The pizza... bread? You know what I mean. It was unremarkable. Kind of rubbery, but nothing you don't expect from something like a Little Caesar's. The "highlight" of this was the Stuffed "Crust". I was surprised to learn, after eating, that they expected me to believe there were three cheeses in this. I'm honestly not sure if there was even one. What I detected, stuffed unwilling into that poorly rolled crust, was some sort of cheese-esque food goo.

I mean, you could tell it was trying to be cheese. It did its best. They did something to the crust itself that made it taste sweet. Or perhaps after making it through the cheesy part, the sweet taste was my tongue trying to kill itself.

Now, we all know the true test of pizza is not how it is right out of the box, but after a night in the fridge. So, for you, I saved a piece. How was it? I didn't think it could get much worse, but there it was. Whereas previously it was but a container for grease, it became an active receptacle, desperately holding onto every last drop. The plate that held it was free of grease, but my hands were granted the privilege of sharing in this horrible resource. The stuffed portion of the crust became not unlike the floor of a tennis court. Only a marginal improvement over the original.

All in all, I would say this is a poor excuse for a pizza. I can't say I had too fun of a time trying to stuff this in my gaping maw. Luckily, it did put the giant stain on the front of my wifebeater that I was missing. It was salty, greasy, and I think I have trust issues now. Would I buy it again? No. Maybe. Probably.

Yeah, okay, I totally would.

The Encounter (Prologue)

She had known this was the bad part of town. She had known that, of course, only after wandering in and noticing the faltering streetlights, the dilapidated buildings, and shady looking men lingering about. It was a little too late for those kinds of revelations though, due to the fact that she had gotten trapped in a dead-end alley with three men closing in on her. The dim streetlight behind the men silhouetted their figures, making their faces indistinguishable. One of the shadows whispered something to the others. She tried offering them money, her purse, but they pressed on. They got closer as her heart raced and she could hear the blood pounding in her ears. She was determined to run, to fight, to not go down quietly.

           
A barely perceptible tink, a sort of metallic sound, caught just a fraction of her attention.

She thought she saw something move out of the top of her vision, but she again fixated on the dark shapes inching forward.

Out of nowhere, something slammed into the men, knocking them over. It took her a few seconds to recognize this as another man. As the first shadow pulled himself to his feet, the newcomer positioned himself between her and the men. The thug threw a punch at the new person, who shifted his chest, redirecting the fist. Before the thug could regain his composure, the newcomer landed a blow in the thug’s stomach, making him crumple to the ground. The others lunged towards the strange man, who jumped to the right, and caught one of the shaded figures square in the jaw with his right fist. She knew it would've been a perfect time to escape, if this new guy wasn't blocking the way. As he turned, she noticed something seemed off, something was billowing behind him. Was it a trenchcoat? The man who had been hit in the stomach crouched, and in standing up, his foot splashed a puddle. Instinctively, the coated figure spun around with his leg low to the ground, felling the thug like a tree. She decided there was nothing to do but watch at this point, and get ready to fight this newcomer in case he had any ideas. One of the assailants pulled something from his back, a blade that glinted in the streetlight. The coated figure put his hand on his belt, and flung something with a whoosh at the knife. It clattered to the ground, where the man kicked it out of sight. At least she wasn't the center of attention anymore, she figured.

             
One of the shadows turned his head at the distant, but approaching, sound of a siren. He yelled something at the other dark figures, pulling one to his feet, and cast a dark look back at the newcomer, before beating a hasty retreat. After watching them go, the figure turned towards her. She tensed up. She knew whatever was going on with this man, it didn't add up. He was able to handle fighting three street thugs at once, and for what? She would run when she had an opening. He took a step toward her. She bent her legs, ready to move.

             
"You okay?" He asked in a soft, oddly familiar voice that sounded out of place. She nodded weakly, confounded by the situation.

           
"I've, uh, I've called the police, so you should be okay." He cleared his throat. "You probably shouldn't be here alone at night. I mean, you know, for safety."

             
She had no idea how to respond to that. He looked around and fidgeted with something on his belt, until he saw flashing red and blue lights nearing the alley.
            
"Well, have a good night." He waved, pulled something off his belt, and pointed it at the roof of an adjacent building. POF! There was a sound like a paintball gun firing and suddenly the guy was being pulled upwards. She ran towards where he had been, and watched, stunned, as he scrambled onto roof of the building. As a police car pulled into the opening of the alley, she realized something; he was wearing a cape.

I'm the One That's Cool, and Nerd Bitterness

I don't want to end my streak of random rambling here, so I'll just assume you've all seen Felicia Day's new music video. It's called I'm The One That's Cool.



No, no you're not.

Okay, let me expand a bit more on that. See, from my experience, the lessons nerds are supposed to learn in high school are:

1. High School doesn't really matter and
2. Being cool never mattered

The thing is, that's not what happens. When someone is a geek or nerd or what have you in high school, people don't seem to stress that being cool is actually a pretty stupid goal and you should just do what you enjoy. Instead they keep telling you that all the cool kids are going to have shitty jobs and you're probably going to be their boss. What kind of moral is that?!

It all comes down to Nerd Bitterness. Yeah, high school sucked. High school sucks for everyone. I think too many people who focused on nerdy things back then are just looking around for the chance to turn around and make faces at the "cool kids" because somehow they're better now. Even though the geeks are free from the jocks, they still let jocks who don't even exist anymore define what they do.

Let's assume for a minute it is "cool" to be a nerd now. Well, now everyone's complaining about "fake geek girls". To be honest, I'm not even sure what that really means. I have never met one, but people get really pissed off about it. Does that even happen with anything else? Are there enough people who fake being into football that real football fans start getting angry? Again, we have that Nerd Bitterness here. Instead of just focusing on doing the things they enjoy, nerds are busy policing the bounds of nerdity. "She's not a real geek! She didn't get teased in high school! Let me go ridicule her!” For the longest time, it wasn’t as socially acceptible to be into any of this geeky stuff. Now geeks feel like others have to pay their dues in order to be accepted into the higher echelon of nerdery.

Inside jokes about sci-fi or RPGs used to be ways to feel part of a group, now we’re using them to exclude others from the group. Just like it never mattered who is cool, it does not matter who’s a “real geek”. If anything, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Just keep doing what you enjoy and sharing it with others. Trying desperately to make sure everyone’s had a terrible experience being a nerd before you’ll accept them just ruins things for everyone. Besides, if a girl’s willing to fake being into comics for me, I’ll take it. Breaking down the barriers, this is the W Defender.

Ultimate Spider-Man Animated Series Review

Hey guys. Since I have nothing going on in my life, I decided to wake up early, watch the premier of the new Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon, and liveblog it, or whatever the hell it's called. Or just a review. I don't know. This is more than likely to just be a lot of angry words typed with capslock.

Starting out:

We got J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson, which is just amazing. That is ruined by Drake Bell's Spider-Man. Ow. Spider-Man just keeps bitching about being a super hero. Great. Oh god, they have cutaway gags. I really hope that's not a running thing.

He starts narrating to the audience about how Spider-sense works. Aaaand now Nick Fury's in the picture. Nick Fury explains that Spider-Man needs SHIELD training, because otherwise he will suck and that will cause problems for everyone. Uh oh.

I am so sick of these cutaway gags, and Spider-Man talking to the camera. I am being insulted here. He just starts mentioning Uncle Ben over and over. Compared to everything else, THIS is what I find heavyhanded.

Oh great, they gave him a new webshooter. That's what I needed in my Spider-Man, for them to take away everything he earned himself.

Now we get an obvious Evil Norman Osborn scene. He wants to make an army of Spider-Men, right off the bat he explains this to the audience. We don't see him as a businessman, philanthropist, anything, just him in a dark room talking about how much money he can make if he made super soldiers.

Okay, so it looks like Mary Jane is based on the Ultimate comics, Wanting to be a journalist and whatnot. Harry looks to be Ultimate-based too. I guess I have no problems with that.

PETER! STOP TALKING TO THE CAMERA! AAAAAAAAUUUUUGH

MORE CUTAWAY GAGS. PETER YOU GAVE THE WORST REASON TO NOT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF FLASH. There is just no nuance or subtlety to anything in this show. It's just "LOOK I'M SPIDER-MAN RESPONSIBILITY HEY GUYS RESPONSIBILITY"

Oh hey a Stan Lee cameo. That helps my aching heart.

This narration is the laziest narrative device I've ever seen. Instead of finding ways for us to find out who different villains are, we get a goddamn school lesson from Peter. It might not be so bad if I didn't find Drake Bell's voice so annoying.

So the Frightful Four attack, trying to find Spider-Man in the school, hired by Doc Ock who is ordered by Norman. Norman calls off the attack when he realizes the school being attacked is the same one Harry goes to.

Oh god, his banter is so bad. No, no no no no. Okay, so the fight scene itself isn't so bad. There's a villain teamup and he's using their strengths against one another, so that's good. This is just one of the times I wish Spider-Man would just STOP TALKING.

Woah, Aunt May is waaaay young. She looks like a 30 year old with white hair.

SO MANY CUTAWAY GAGS. LAZY LAZY LAZY WRITING.

And now a Spider-Man is talking to Peter through the mirror. Is that okay? It just seems to me that he's getting a little crazy. Of course, that thing outlines every problem he has right now, in the most obvious fashion. With that, Peter decides he needs SHIELD training, for some reason.

He gets onto the Helicarrier, or Triskelion or what have you, but only by using the webshooter Nick Fury gave him.

Oh, the next episode. Might as well keep going here.

Spider-Man is fighting some robots for training, because that's not the most cliched thing I've ever seen. All the while mentioning things that lead to cutaway gags.

Hey, you know what, Aunt May is kind hot in this show. No, really guys.

Oh god. Oh god, a super team. Why the hell is there a team of kid heroes. So there's a kid version of Iron Fist, a Kid Nova, and two other people I don't care about. They talk about how much Spider-Man sucks, and how he can't be on the team. Good! I don't want him to join your stupid team! But I know he will because this show is determined to show how any trace of individualism is futile and will always make you fail. What you need is a super-team and backing from a government agency.

I HATE DRAKE BELL'S STUPID VOICE. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I WISH I COULD HATE IT TO DEATH. He screams and screeches and it never ends.

And now Peter's recapping the last episode, by talking to the camera. He's looking at it.

Mary Jane wants to find Spider-Man, so she can interview him I guess. At least Peter realizes his voice might give him away if he talked to MJ dressed as Spider-Man.

Back on the Helicarrier, we get my favorite thing, Spider-Man taking orders.

Now Curt Conners is apparently an engineer, not biologist. And he has two arms. They talk about a bunch of new "Spider-gadgets" and Spider-Man asks what happens if he refuses the new tech. Fury tells him he doesn't have a choice. That's juuust great. Does anyone else find this to be a bit contrary to the usual essense of Spider-Man? Spider-Man's whole shtick is that he's just one dude who's more or less self-made, doesn't take orders from people, and has the smarts to make it on his own.

WHY IS THERE A GODDAMN MOTORCYCLE. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Oh god, why would they do this to me. He rides the motorcycle out of the Helicarrier, and we get yet another cut of Spider-Man falling down while screeching like a goddamn banshee. Why do they make him scream so much.

WHY DOES THE MOTORCYCLE HAVE WEBBING. AT WHAT POINT DID SPIDER-MAN EVER NEED A FREAKING MOTORCYCLE. THERE'S A REASON THE SPIDER-CAR IS A GIANT JOKE.

So there's a giant pointless "action sequence" where he runs around on his motorcycle a while and screams the whole time. The new team saves him and introduces themselves. Iron Fist, White Tiger, Power Man, and Nova.

Spider-Man, stop talking about responsibility. I get it, that's your thing, stop talking about it. Auuugh, he doesn't want to join a team because other people might get hurt? No, he shouldn't want to join a team because SPIDER-MAN IS FREELANCE.

So he gets captured, which will only go to show how much he obviously needs to be on a team. Yeah, the Frightful Four mention that's there's more of them than there is of him, and proceed to beat the crap out of him. So he screams more. Then the super-team shows up and we all learn about the power of teamwork.

Then, because the plot demands it, Spider-Man joins the team and everyone's happy. Uh oh. The super team is now his classmates. And Agent Coulson of SHIELD is the new principle. So Nick Fury can "Keep an eye" on Peter. Then the episode ends.

So let's go over what's wrong with this show: Talking to the audience, a complete lack of subtlety in any form, the horrible cutaway gags that make this worse than Family Guy, the lack of any good banter from Spider-Man, and the general themes of the show. Usually with Spider-Man, the fact that he's self-made, that he's a loner more or less are main themes. Sure, there'll be a teamup now and then, but nobody trained him, nobody tells him what to do. He didn't work for the government, he worked for the people, just trying to save people when he could. The new show seems to be about how Spider-Man can get all his training, technology, and orders from SHIELD. The whole direction of the show is one I'm not comfortable with.

Oh, and THE GODDAMN MOTORCYCLE. ACFHJKLSDH W DEFENDER AL:fjoaf