Pizza Hut's Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza

I furtively dialed a number with shaky hands. Glancing from side to side, making sure nobody was watching, I resolutely hit the call button.

"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, how can I help you?" said the disembodied voice. An unwilling accomplice to my heinous premeditation.

"Hi, could I order the, uh, the Cheezit pizza"

"You want the Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza?" they asked, blasé in the face of the uncanny.

"Yes, yes goddamn it."

Taken aback by my curtness, they began the next statement with an extra gentle tenor.

"Would you like that with pepperoni?"

I sighed, and a single tear ran down my cheek.

"Just fuck me up."

What is rock bottom? Is it a place? A feeling? Can it be a food?

Is it this food?

Is this food?

After a certain point in life, you assume you know how the world functions. Most of things you deal with day-to-day make sense. But then you start working a night shift and the most deranged minds on the planet gain employment at a pizza company R&D department. Day is night, dinner is breakfast, and everything you came to trust comes crashing down beneath you. As hard as I try, I cannot wrap my head around how this was meant to be a pizza. They couldn't even be bothered to use the one culinary term that gives one carte blanche to do as they wish, "deconstructed."

This idea, and I'm ashamed to admit it, wasn't doomed from the start. Burger King has had, on a few occasions, the illustrious Mac n' Cheetos, another snack melded with comfort food into a brobdingnagian chimera. But it worked. It was essentially just deep friend mac & cheese, a state fair staple, but breaded with Cheeto dust. I've always scrambled to get it before it discontinued again, but little did I know it seeded a virulent idea in some disturbed individual.

There's one thing, and one thing only, I am willing to give Pizza Hut credit for.

It sure looks like a Cheez-it.

When one cooks, it's important to have varying tastes and textures put together that mesh well with one another. You have the crust on a cheesecake, pasta in soups. What you do not do, is take a cheese-flavored cracker, turn it into a crust, and fill it with substandard pizza cheese. But unfortunately for all of us, that is what transpired.

In the interest of pure inquiry, I first took a bite without availing myself of the proffered marinara. I soon saw my mistake. For one instant there's the alluring taste of a beloved Cheez-it, but then it's gone, like a kiss on the wind.

Then there's nothing. It's an undifferentiated mass of grease and something I could, only after rigorous investigation and soul searching, describe as cheese. They could have put anything in there! The supposed lifesaver of this dish is the marinara, a condiment I am quickly associating with culinary failure. With merely a dip, you transform the bland tasteless chunk into a chunk that tastes like marinara. That's it.

The astonishing thing is, if you let it sit for a few hours, intentionally neglect what was once a hot meal prepared for your enjoyment, it almost, not quite, but almost, resembles its namesake. It comes so close to having a crunch. It comes so close to really existing as food.

Why did things have to turn out like this? Just because something seems like a good idea to the guys in marketing doesn't mean you have to put it in production and actually sell it to innocent people. We have to learn from this, as a society. There must be a better way!

There you go I did it.

Let's Watch Barbie Video Game Hero

We all carry with us the weight of our sins. Each of us has the secret knowledge of our regrets and misdeeds, and we all have different ways of serving penance for our mistakes. Some people deny themselves the comforts of life, like the simple extravagances we take for granted. Others subdue their needs in service of a greater cause.

I watch Barbie movies.

It was a cold, dark day when I saw it. Coat slick with freezing rain, hair matted to my forehead, I stumbled unknowingly into my bleak, impassive destiny. From the corner of my eye, burning like the ruins of Gomorrah, lay a neon pink display, housing what I wish I had never seen.

Barbie, Video Game Hero.

Get ready to power up! When Barbie™ magically gets pulled into her favorite video game, she is excited to see she's transformed into a fun roller-skating character. In the game, she meets Cutie, the lovable cloud-shaped friend, and Bella, the roller-skating princess. Together, they soon discover a mischievous emoji is trying to take control of the game. As they travel from level to level, Barbie™ must rely on her amazing gaming skills and out-of-the-box thinking to save her team and beat the game!

My hands, operating beyond my control, brought the DVD case to the counter. Face rigid with shame, I noted the cashier's befuddlement wordlessly. Driving home I felt the film's presence, like a baleful revenant, sitting beside me. Carrying it inside, the case seemed to grow heavier with each step, but I found myself unable to lessen my hold on it. I placed it on my desk, a watchful eye that refused to break its gaze. Now, the time has come, and I can avert my fate no longer. May God help us all.

Let's Watch: Barbie Video Game Hero

Let's Watch Barbie in Princess Power

Have you ever looked out, over the horizon on a clear night and wondered, "What's out there?" Have you ever felt the fringes of something monumental happening just beyond the limits of your perception? Have you ever thought maybe, just maybe, you could attain greatness?

I was visited by these emotions one day, one dramatic day, as I passed a DVD rack in a grocery store. One of the cases caught my eye, on a seemingly inauspicious pink glittery cover. I flipped it over, greeted with the best blurb I shall ever read.

GET READY TO SOAR!
Barbie stars as Kara, a modern-day princess with an everyday life. One day, after being kissed by a magical butterfly, Kara soon discovers she has amazing super powers allowing her to transform into Super Sparkle, her secret, crime-fighting alter ego who flies around the kingdom ready to save the day! But it's not long before her jealous cousin catches the butterfly and also transforms - this time into Dark Sparkle, her nemesis. Their rivalry takes to the skies, but when they discover the kingdom's true enemy, can they put aside their differences to form one super team? Soar to new heights and discover that there's no greater power than the power of friendship!

And I uttered the words that would alter my destiny.

Holy fuck I have got to watch this goddamn movie.

Yes, it’s time for Let’s Question The Author’s Sexuality. Or as I like to call it:

Let's Watch: Barbie In Princess Power

The Summer Wheeze Defense

This holiday season, I think it's time to remember the important things in life. Friends, family, the complete absence of political discussion, and a little film called Frosty Returns.

You might recall this, if you're me. Starring John Goodman as the eponymous precipitation made animate, and drawn like bootleg Charlie Brown, this little film seemed innocent enough, but as the years went by it resurfaced more and more often in my mind. Why? Because of a little thing called Summer Wheeze.

An entrepreneur, no, a genius, named Mr. Twitchell invented some formula, that, when sprayed on snow completely disintegrated it. I don't mean he made it melt or evaporate, I mean a little spray from this can annihilated snow. Now, surely, such a man would be heralded as the second coming of Christ, right? Think about the preventable deaths, no more getting stuck in snowbanks, no more mountain climbers dying in avalanches. Who gives a shit about mousetraps, beat a path to this guy's door! But does this man get the recognition he deserves? No, because of goddamn Frosty the Snowman.

Frosty, the egotistical bastard, did everything he could to brainwash the people of Beansboro into discarding the most important scientific discovery of the century. Oh, just because he happens to be made of snow, that makes it okay?! Like the Pied Piper, he entrances children and adults alike with his siren song, making them abandon the fruits of scientific progress and even dub him King. This short tries its best to demonize Twitchell, like when one of his board members protests about the unintended effects Summer Wheeze may have on the environment, he unceremoniously sends her chair hurting down through a trap door, like some kind of discount Blofeld.

And yeah, I must admit, Twitchell could have used some better marketing execs, and maybe he would have been more successful if he didn't focus all of his efforts on one small town. Though he did provide, free of charge, Summer Wheeze trucks which drove through the town, completely eliminating all snow on or around the roads. He's not just an inventor, he's a public servant!

I suppose one could make an argument that Twitchell's motivation was only to be named king at that winter carnival, but who doesn't want recognition now and then? Can't we separate the man from his work? Not to mention, by the end of the short, Twitchell's crashed his car into a frozen lake, which surely killed him in time, due to his advanced age and feeble state. Did Frosty go to help the man? Of course not. All Frosty cares about is the profligate extention of his unnatural, eternal lifespan. He doesn't concern himself with human existence, they're all mayflies to the immortal homunculus dubbed Frosty. Of course, the narrator tells us Twitchell somehow survived, and changed his business strategy to making sleds. Sleds?! From Our Benevolent Lord Twitchell?! I don't believe you for a goddamn second, you irredeemable snow-gremlin!

So next time you're skidding hopelessly down a poorly plowed road into certain death, or angrily shoveling your driveway for the third time that week, you can thank your good friend Frosty for stifling progress back to the Ice Age. And maybe, just maybe, you'll remember the man, the legend, who looked at the state of things and said, "No thank you, I think I can fix that." Our fallen hero, Mr. Twitchell.

New Ways To Die Parts 5 and 6

Time for the next installment of the series that wouldn't die, New Ways To Die.

Amazing Spider-Man #572 & #573

It starts with Peter helping to rebuild the homeless shelter destroyed by the terrible Venom/Anti-Venom fight we all had to witness last issue. Inside are all the illegal sweatshop workers we all forgot about because 12 different plotlines are running through this thing.

The Chinese talk to Martin Li about how they've been used for illegal medical trials by Oscorp, because apparently Osborn can't just limit the evil to only one part of his life.

Speaking of Osborn, we go with him as he explains to his men that the guns he just made will home in on Spider-Man, based on the tech on his camera. Osborn then explains they'll go with Bullseye alone, since he needs Songbird and Radioactive Man to help him fix the symbiote.

Anti-Venom, who had snuck in earlier, grabs Peter's camera when everyone leaves. Back with Gargan, we see Norman extract a sample of the Anti-Venom, before he heads to another part of the lab, where he has- HOLY SHIT.

WHAT WHY WHO WHY

...Okay, that's

No, I can't do it. This is grotesque! See those jars on the left? THOSE ARE HIS ORGANS.

So that's Freak, who apparently can't die, and his body just generates a countermeasure to whatever just killed him. I don't know. He's like a horrible disgusting ripoff of Doomsday.

Norman injects him with Anti-Venom, which, apparently, makes him produce a super Venom? I don't really get it. I mean, the only thing I know about this guy is instantly contradicted. Really, shouldn't something that heals him just heal him a bit? Does his body really need to counteract it? To be honest, the less time thinking about that guy, the better.

As Norman goes a little Koo-koo in his lab, Bullseye and the troops end up at Harry's coffee shop, where Peter, Harry and Lily are talking. Wait, now that they can track him, wouldn't they instantly recognize that Peter is Spider-Man? He's standing right there! I guess they never considered Parker might be Spider-Man, even though they found a camera taking pictures of Spider-Man with no Parker there, and there's only three people, Parker included, that could now possibly be Spider-Man, and the fact that Norman knew Peter was Spider-Man WAS A GODDAMN PLOT POINT FOR THE ENTIRE TIME GREEN GOBLIN EXISTED!

Sorry, lost my cool there for a bit. But don't worry, cool's back.

The troops throw smoke grenades, as Pete, Harry and Lily flee. Peter "runs for help", crawls around, and punches a dude in the head. He quickly wishes he hadn't done that.

Did those bullets just curve? Bullets don't work that way. So, he's been shot. A lot, judging by those bullet-trails. Can they explain how he's still moving?

So you're telling me you can get shot 20 times, but as long as they miss your major organs, you can still run around?! Apparently, Spider-Man runs on HP, and it's not 0 yet. Anti-Venom comes out of nowhere to kick the shit out of some dudes, then hands Peter back his camera. Spidey quickly figures out what's going on. When Bullseye comes to finish him off, Spider-Man throws a web ball at him which has his chest-spider, and tracking chip, on it. Since the Thunderbolt soldiers can't take orders very well, this happens.

Wait, if the magic moving bullets are so damn accurate, shouldn't they shoot the chip in his hand, not his chest? There's nothing on his chest for them to home towards. Even if you accept that somehow bullets can change their trajectory mid-flight, this still makes no goddamn sense!

Since Spider-Man pretty much just killed Bullseye, the battle's over, and Anti-Venom offers to tell Spidey where Osborn is.

Back with Osborn, he shows up at the lab dressed in the whole Green Goblin outfit, because nothing makes the Feds want to make you lead a team like a garish clashing outfit you wore while killing people. He reveals the thing he was making in his workshop, and gives it to Gargan. Uh oh, I don't think I'm gonna like this.

I don't like it.

The next issue begins with Harry talking to Norman, with Norman doing the whole "Join me, and we can rule the Galaxy as father and son" thing he's always going on about. Spider-Man and Anti-Venom head over to Oscorp, and go in separate doors. Songbird quickly spots Spidey, and zaps him, only to be met with something really unpleasant.

SHPLOP

There is no way to make that panel okay. Keep in mind, that's Anti-Venom's main power. Shooting white glop at people. And some people wonder why I don't like him.

Scorp-Venom and Anti-Venom start fighting, as Harry and Norman try to find the real Spider-Man. He finds them pretty quickly, smashing into Norman from the ceiling. Man, he does that a lot in this storyline. I feel like I should've kept a counter. He does it, what, at least once an issue. Norman pushes a button, summoning the glider, which scratches Spider-Man on the way over. After jumping on the glider himself, Norman raises some questions.

Now, this is supposed to make us believe Harry's relapsed into Goblinism and is, in fact, Menace. We know better because we're from the future.

Spider-Man jumps on GG and smashes him through some walls, until he finds a room full of Chinese people strapped to the walls. Before anything can be done, Norman activates the self-destruct mechanism, forcing Spider-Man to save the test subjects. Spidey reluctantly frees Songbird and Radioactive Man and mostly everyone flees, except for the Wonder Twins.

Take out the dialogue and you have the weirdest porn ever made.

Venom realizes he can't kill Brock, because the symbiote still has feelings for its ex. I expect later that night, the symbiote will drunk-dial him and try to reminisce about the good times. The building collapses, but don't worry, everyone important got out okay. Well, except Spider-Man.

I guess the Thunderbolts decide killing Spider-Man should be put on the back burner, so the next day Norman announces that Spidey was buried under the rubble, but still man, he was making all kinds of cures in there, so you should hate Spider-Man just in case he comes back to life.

Back at an Oscorp office, the gang is looking through some books, looking for some research materials, to dissociate Harry from the human testing, presumably. As Harry goes into the next room, Peter's about to grab another book on the shelf when this happens:

Yeah, foreshadowing? Harry finds the file he needs and they all leave.

Back at the homeless shelter, all the former test subjects are there, and apparently all the miracle healing has ceased, as well as most people relapsing. Martin Li has an uncharacteristic bought of crankiness, CoughMr.Negativecough, as Anti-Venom shows he's still alive in the ending narration.

Finally! We're done! And what's the damage? Pretty much everything. This story is unpleasant, uncomfortable, and not well thought out. The tons of plot threads dangling through it only needlessly complicate matters, while the main story itself is just downright dumb. The fake politics are forgotten halfway through, the Chinese test subjects are never really explained, and Anti-Venom. Just Anti-Venom. His inclusion alone would be enough to make this series bad, but when you combine it with everything else, this thing becomes a train wreck.

The art's done by John Romita Jr., who's usually pretty good. Unfortunately, he seemed to be stuck on Grim 'n' Dirty Mode while drawing this, because everything he depicts just seems icky. I suppose there's not much you can do when you're asked to draw a guy who shoots white goo at people, but I'm still not much of a fan.

The writer: Dan Slott. This was before Big Time, but more importantly before Superior Spider-Man. There are things he can write well and things he cannot, and this storyline showcases most of what he can't. This was made during the time when Amazing Spider-Man had a few rotating writers, and how Slott became the main writer I may never understand. Especially considering he continued to write things like this:

Well, it's still better than Superior.

Parts 1 and 2

Parts 3 and 4

Amalgam Comics: Spider-Boy

In 1996, after a couple crossovers, DC and Marvel decided to do something fun together instead of fighting all the time. What they did was something nobody actually likes. It's called Amalgam comics. Sure, people liked it when they combined Batman and Wolverine, but does anyone care about Magneto and his Magnetic Men?! ...Okay, well, in Amalgam, they just combined two of their characters to make one that was either incredibly popular or whom everyone tried to flush from their mind as fast as possible. Try and guess which one this was.

Comic Review: Spider-Boy

In case you couldn't tell, like me, the two characters combined here are Spider-Man and the 90's Superboy, who is the greatest example of 90's Cool I've ever seen.

Well it's got 90's Superboy half in it! Sheesh, why is everyone always talking about Dark Claw, this shit sounds goddamn amazing, it's--

Son of a bitch.

Okay, so I think now we know what we're dealing with. So... ahem, Bizarnage wants to absorb Spider-Boy. Or be Spider-Boy. Or something. After some cunning tricks, Spider-Boy locks Bizarnage in a magical science cage. It's revealed this is in the Cadmus facility, which I would tell you more about, but I have no idea if this is just like the regular DC Cadmus but with the Fantastic 4 working there. Oh, the Fantastic 4 work there. Let's see how Mr. Fantastic is in this thing!

What.

WHAT.

Don't worry, we don't have time to get into that, thank god, because there's more trouble afoot! "King Lizard" (Whom I found out is Marvel's The Lizard and DC's King Shark amalgamated) got out of containment, which is no good. As long as we never have to see Bizarnage again he can fight whoever the hell he wants. Wait, what's the deal on King Lizard?

NEVERMIND LET'S GO BACK TO BIZARNAGE

MALL-CRAWLING WALL-CRAWLER?? WHY WOULD ANYONE SAY THAT?!

Wait, stop. I can do this. I got a handle on it. Spider-Boy makes more references to things that never happened so we can all pretend this isn't the dumbest thing anyone's ever made. Then he goes to some section of the lab where there's... Doc Ock... and, oh no.

WHY DOES HE HAVE A CAR.

IT FLIES?!?

OKAY. SO HE HAS A FLYING CAR. NO BIG DEAL.

Now we got some exposition, which you think might make a tiny bit of sense, but no. It doesn't. So our hero was part of an attempt to create a super soldier serum, so they decided to clone a person with gravity altering powers. Then the lead scientist died in a horrible explosion. Who was that lead scientist? Albert Einstein.

I'm kidding it was PETER PARKER.

So he died without ever showing his face, cool, great. Since the accident somehow released Spider-Boy from his cloning chamber, General "Thunderbolt" Ross becomes his father figure. You know, the guy who tried to kill the Hulk for 50 years. So that's all well and good, but then.

Welp. I guess you can't be anybody's goddamn uncle.

Back to the story, since King Lizard is loose, rather than try to maybe follow his path of destruction and woe, Spider-Boy decides to go to his part time job. He ends up at, where else, the Daily Bugle. Where, for all of 2 pages we get his nebbish alter ego, Pete Ross. Don't worry, that doesn't even matter, because as soon as he walks in the door, a reporter comes in with King Lizard's whereabouts. That was definitely the way that had to happen.

ANYWAY HERE'S KING LIZARD

So there's Lizard punching. The "Special Crimes Unit" which just looks like SHIELD shows up and shoots Lizzy, but predictably it doesn't work. Also, wait. Why is he getting bigger?

So apparently he's growing because he got exposed to Pym particles, which apparently also exist in this world. So Spider-Boy goes back to the lab, grabs a glowy thing, and throws it into King Lizard's mouth. And then he aaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

Well good, now I have the irrational fear of shrinking to an infinitesimally small size. At least that wraps everything up. Villain is left to a horrible fate, and everybody is happy. No loose ends, no weird open conclusions, just a nice, simple ending. Yep, sure am glad there's no final image after a cut off senten--

GOT ME AGAIN, SPIDER-BOY!

Spider-Man Can't Have a Sidekick

Welp. That's it. I quit. This happened. Spider-Man. Gets. A sidekick.

I cannot believe they are doing this. This is such a fundamental mistake, it never even occurred to me that they may make it. I thought they might give him a new costume or something. I thought you couldn't make a worse mistake than Spider-Men. And yet, here we are. Sidekick. I don't know where to start with this.

Spider-Man is not a hero to have a sidekick. He's not the hero that pals around with a kid, making that kid get in the path of bullets. Having a sidekick means willingly putting someone else into a dangerous situation that usually only you would have to deal with. Spider-Man would feel obligated to making sure said kid didn't get hurt during any of the fights or danger, and that would be a hamper to Spider-Man's effectiveness. If the kid definitely won't get hurt, why does he need Spider-Man? The Spider-Man I know wouldn't say, "Oh kid, you got superpowers? Well, time to put on some tights and get shot at!" He knows, himself, how shitty being a superhero is. He wouldn't wish it upon someone else. Yeah, it has its perks, but it ruins his civilian life immensely. If someone is intent upon becoming a vigilante, he's not going to tell them no, but he won't start a long working relationship with them. The minute Spider-Man gets a sidekick is the minute he becomes a father.

See, this is the worst part, it negates the only good part of Brand New Day! I'm not saying it was good, but at the very least it allowed him to start fresh and maybe seem a little younger. This ages him more than anything else could! He's now tethered to this kid like a ball and chain! A sidekick works for Batman because Batman is dark and gritty, so a little innocent kid around helps him see past that and embrace the warmer parts of his character, and the whole fatherhood angle fits in well with the way he protects Gotham City. Plus, Batman trains them like hell to be like him. Spider-Man is meant to be freelance. Look at Spider-Girl. The only reason he lets his daughter go out in spandex and fight crime is because he has no leg, so he can't.

I can understand making a new hero, but don't tie him inextricably with Spider-Man. Spider-Man wasn't about learning lessons because people told you. Spider-Man was about learning the lessons that couldn't be told by making mistakes, and improving, and trying harder each time to do the right thing. He didn't ask adults for help. In fact, most adults were actively trying to stop him or just didn't understand what he was doing. For Spider-Man to then turn around and start giving lessons to some kid who got superpowers is contrary to the point of Spider-Man.

This is why I didn't like the new Ultimate Spider-Man comic or cartoon. In it, Nick Fury is explicitly telling Spider-Man what to do, how to do it, and just giving him school lessons on how to be a superhero. Spider-Man is just handed things and and a lesson plan and he screws up a bit before finally he wins the lesson and Fury is happy with him. This is terrible, because it takes away the freedom of Spider-Man. It takes away his individualism, which is a fundamental part of the character. He made the suit himself, he made the webshooters himself, he fights by himself, he makes mistakes by himself. Spider-Man was never about him being taught how to do everything right. It was about Peter Parker learning how to do things the right way by screwing them up.

I can only hope this is just another character that they will happen to introduce in Spider-Man. It's happened before. If they have a little team-up like Spider-Man is wont to do, then I'll be fine with it. But if this is permanent, this may be even worse than One More Day.

EDIT: I just remembered, Stan Lee made Spider-Man originally as a counter to sidekicks of the day! In any other comic book, a kid that age would have been a sidekick to an older hero, but Stan Lee hated that idea, and so made Spider-Man with that in mind. This is a spit in the face of the original concept.

Amazing Spider-Man: Twilight In Spandex

Welp, the reviews are in. Well, okay, just one review. Said review, if you're too lazy to read, favorably compares the new Spider-Man flick to the Twilight series. If you aren't already pulling out your hair, let me tell you why that's bad news.

Let's look at the facts, Twilight was a terrible movie series, with terrible people that enjoyed it. Really, I don't think anyone has a dissenting opinion on that fact. It was a shallow, pandering series for preteens that showcased a "romance" nobody cared about. I don't need to get into all the reasons, some people have internet careers discussing why Twilight is so bad. The problem isn't that it's bad, it's that apparently it was popular enough that other producers/directors feel the need to appeal to the "Twilight Generation" in other movies. And that's terrible.

Particularly when any production team sets their sights to pander to a certain demographic, things aren't going to be good. Pander to comic fans, and the movie seems too dense and newcomers aren't interested. Looking at Spider-Man 3, it attempted to pander to far too many people at the same time, becoming so coagulated with shit that it collapsed in upon itself. However, if we look at The Dark Knight, purportedly one of the most successful comic movies at all time, it just looks like he was trying to make a good movie about Batman. In no way did it try to appeal exclusively to comic book fans or preteens, it was just a movie that explored Batman's darker themes in a great way.

Some people retort that it's compared to Twilight simply because it has romance and is appealing to women, and do I hate women or something? Well, I hate movies made for women, at least, especially if they are in the same vein at Twilight. Sure, romance has always been an aspect of Spider-Man, but only because it was just another thing that clashed with his superheroics in a dramatic way. Spider-Man was never solely about who he was going out with (Yet another reason why Brand New Day sucked) but instead it was about how he was going to juggle the two pasttimes. Back in the day, the comics didn't detail every little date between Peter and Gwen, but it showed enough how they were close and how Peter cared, so it was truly heartbreaking when she died.

Let's look at this quote from the article:

"Raimi’s films were for the teenage boys who used to dress up in Spider-Man pyjamas; Webb’s is for girls whose other halves may soon be dressing up in Spider-Man pyjamas for their benefit.

See, that's the problem. Spider-Man, at its core, is not about being a hot guy with smoldering eyes that happens to have a secret life fighting crime so he has deep, complex emotions. It's really a nerd fantasy. He has fantastic powers and adventures that set him apart from the kid he used to be, but still has problems so we understand where he's coming from. The core of the character is a good person who has a lot more power than he's used to, stuck in situations where he has to do the right thing, at the cost to himself. Spider-Man punches bad guys, but at the end of the day he sits down and realizes the cost of doing that.

Should I be worried? I'll answer that with a definite yes. Will I still see the movie?

...Yes. I can't help it! I even saw Spider-Man 3! My devotion knows no bounds. Plus, it would be kinda nice to be really angry about something again, and I'm sure all of you can reap the benefits.

P.S. On odd chance it's not a horrible movie, here's some speculation on the costume. From the Amazing Spider-Man game, there's this page, showing 2 alternate costumes for the game, one with a belt and one without. My question: Is the belt a game-only addition to the costume? If it shows up late in the movie, that would give me hope for a Spider-Signal, because I love that thing. The Spider-Signal rocks.

New Ways To Die Parts 1 and 2

Well, there's kinda been a sort of content drain lately, so I decided to delve back into the time history forgot. And by that, I mean like, 3 years ago. More specifically, right in the middle of Brand New Day, with the storyline nobody wanted to see. Or if they did, they have problems.

Comic Review: Amazing Spider-Man #568 & #569

This storyline is infamous for reasons that will become clear later, but really, all you need to know is this takes place before the American Son storyline. Meaning, really, that was a step up from this. American Son was an improvement. Just think about that for a second.

The comic starts with a recap of everything that's ever happened to Spider-Man. Well, okay, a three page recap of his basic origin, because apparently they thought this would be a great place to bring people into Spider-Man comics. Then this happens.

She blows up a campaign van of Bill Hollister, father of Lily Hollister, and mayoral candidate. So really, she blows up her dad's van. Oh! Wait! We're not supposed to know that yet! We're still supposed to think Menace is a dude. So Spider-Man shows up, they fight, and she blows up a wall. From the collapsing building, Spider-Man sees a bunch of what look like Chinese immigrants pour out, so he does the only logical thing a superhero can do and snaps some pictures.

He decides to sell the pictures to Front Line, the newspaper everyone who used to work at the Daily Bugle works at because it became the DB (and later got a bailout). I guess the writers realized they made a mistake in changing the Daily Bugle, so they just wrote in Front Line so Pete could still have the same job. So he sells the pictures, which apparently connect Randall Crowne, another mayoral candidate, with illegal sweatshops. Oh god, I really hope this isn't about politics, please please don't be about politi--

Son of a bitch.

So yeah, that's Norman Osborn, apparently really interested in New York politics for some reason. See, at this point, Norman was head of the Thunderbolts, a team of "heroes" who were actually just horrible monsters that had really really good plubicity. We cut to them killing cardboard cutouts of heroes, until Osborn shows up and tells them they're going to New York.

Then we cut to Dexter Bennett, being subtle as ever.

Good thing the writing is so subtle. So he sends Betty Brant out to investigate Martin Li, another supporter of Hollister, as well as the founder of a chain of homeless shelters. Can homeless shelters have chains? I guess it's the McDonalds of hobos. Oh, also people with terminal disease are getting better after being in the shelters.

Speaking of which!

Yeah, apparently that's Eddie Brock, who's now Hobo man. It seems Matt Murdock took on Eddie's case, proving in court it was the symbiote's fault he killed people. Martin Li puts his hands on Eddie's shoulder, which makes bullshit happen in his bloodstream, that nobody notices.

Peter shows up at his apartment building, where he's assaulted by the SWAT team, and brought into his own apartment, where the Thunderbolts wait for him.

We begin part 2 with Norman asking Peter how to find Spider-Man. After no responce, Norman laughs at the concept of a warrant and rips up Peter's shit. Then they leave without gaining anything. I'm not quite sure what the point of that was. At that point Peter's roommate Vin shows up.

So after that we cut back to the homeless shelter, where Eddie Brock is happy to say he's cured of cancer! Yaaay! Martin Li takes him into his office, where he shows Eddie the gameboard of Go he has, where he's been playing against somebody, but he doesn't know who. (HINT: IT'S MR. NEGATIVE MARTIN LI IS MR. NEGATIVE THEY'RE THE SAME GUY HE'S EVIL)

Anyway, Randall Crowne gives Osborn an award for whatever, and everyone loves him. Seriously, at this point, I would say New Yorkers don't just have a bad memory. They have antrograde amnesia. Osborn killed people! He was put in jail! HE DRESSED UP AS A GREEN DUDE AND RODE AROUND ON A ROCKET AND BLEW SHIT UP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

AAAAAUUUUGH VENOM EATS PEOPLE ON A REGULAR BASIS HOW ARE YOU SO STUPID.

I'll admit he basically did the same thing during Dark Reign, but at least then he had the decency to disguise the horrible villains as superheroes! At least he tried!

...So, uh, after that Osborn goes to visit Harry at his coffee shop. Osborn hates it because, I dunno, he must be a Starbucks kinda guy. Harry gets sad and leaves. Osborn then gets back to the Thunderbolt base to find Spider-Man. Spidey decides to fix that by breaking into their base. Of course! Hiding right under their nose!

Or, uh, I don't know. Threatening a government official? I mean, yeah, he's evil, but he's head of a government task force. Ah well, fight the power Spidey!

At that point, Venom, being completely batshit insane, somehow senses a previous host at the homeless shelter. I don't remember him having that power, but whatever. Spidey, remembering that Aunt May is volunteering at that shelter, rushes to save the day. Before that though, Gargan finds Brock, and plans to kill him? I think?

You know, as this comes to a close, it wasn't the best intro, but I don't know why I thought this was so bad before. I mean, what could happen on the last page-- NO WAIT NO I DIDN'T MEAN THAT

God dammit.

Parts 3 and 4