New Ways To Die Parts 1 and 2

Well, there's kinda been a sort of content drain lately, so I decided to delve back into the time history forgot. And by that, I mean like, 3 years ago. More specifically, right in the middle of Brand New Day, with the storyline nobody wanted to see. Or if they did, they have problems.

Comic Review: Amazing Spider-Man #568 & #569

This storyline is infamous for reasons that will become clear later, but really, all you need to know is this takes place before the American Son storyline. Meaning, really, that was a step up from this. American Son was an improvement. Just think about that for a second.

The comic starts with a recap of everything that's ever happened to Spider-Man. Well, okay, a three page recap of his basic origin, because apparently they thought this would be a great place to bring people into Spider-Man comics. Then this happens.

She blows up a campaign van of Bill Hollister, father of Lily Hollister, and mayoral candidate. So really, she blows up her dad's van. Oh! Wait! We're not supposed to know that yet! We're still supposed to think Menace is a dude. So Spider-Man shows up, they fight, and she blows up a wall. From the collapsing building, Spider-Man sees a bunch of what look like Chinese immigrants pour out, so he does the only logical thing a superhero can do and snaps some pictures.

He decides to sell the pictures to Front Line, the newspaper everyone who used to work at the Daily Bugle works at because it became the DB (and later got a bailout). I guess the writers realized they made a mistake in changing the Daily Bugle, so they just wrote in Front Line so Pete could still have the same job. So he sells the pictures, which apparently connect Randall Crowne, another mayoral candidate, with illegal sweatshops. Oh god, I really hope this isn't about politics, please please don't be about politi--

Son of a bitch.

So yeah, that's Norman Osborn, apparently really interested in New York politics for some reason. See, at this point, Norman was head of the Thunderbolts, a team of "heroes" who were actually just horrible monsters that had really really good plubicity. We cut to them killing cardboard cutouts of heroes, until Osborn shows up and tells them they're going to New York.

Then we cut to Dexter Bennett, being subtle as ever.

Good thing the writing is so subtle. So he sends Betty Brant out to investigate Martin Li, another supporter of Hollister, as well as the founder of a chain of homeless shelters. Can homeless shelters have chains? I guess it's the McDonalds of hobos. Oh, also people with terminal disease are getting better after being in the shelters.

Speaking of which!

Yeah, apparently that's Eddie Brock, who's now Hobo man. It seems Matt Murdock took on Eddie's case, proving in court it was the symbiote's fault he killed people. Martin Li puts his hands on Eddie's shoulder, which makes bullshit happen in his bloodstream, that nobody notices.

Peter shows up at his apartment building, where he's assaulted by the SWAT team, and brought into his own apartment, where the Thunderbolts wait for him.

We begin part 2 with Norman asking Peter how to find Spider-Man. After no responce, Norman laughs at the concept of a warrant and rips up Peter's shit. Then they leave without gaining anything. I'm not quite sure what the point of that was. At that point Peter's roommate Vin shows up.

So after that we cut back to the homeless shelter, where Eddie Brock is happy to say he's cured of cancer! Yaaay! Martin Li takes him into his office, where he shows Eddie the gameboard of Go he has, where he's been playing against somebody, but he doesn't know who. (HINT: IT'S MR. NEGATIVE MARTIN LI IS MR. NEGATIVE THEY'RE THE SAME GUY HE'S EVIL)

Anyway, Randall Crowne gives Osborn an award for whatever, and everyone loves him. Seriously, at this point, I would say New Yorkers don't just have a bad memory. They have antrograde amnesia. Osborn killed people! He was put in jail! HE DRESSED UP AS A GREEN DUDE AND RODE AROUND ON A ROCKET AND BLEW SHIT UP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

AAAAAUUUUGH VENOM EATS PEOPLE ON A REGULAR BASIS HOW ARE YOU SO STUPID.

I'll admit he basically did the same thing during Dark Reign, but at least then he had the decency to disguise the horrible villains as superheroes! At least he tried!

...So, uh, after that Osborn goes to visit Harry at his coffee shop. Osborn hates it because, I dunno, he must be a Starbucks kinda guy. Harry gets sad and leaves. Osborn then gets back to the Thunderbolt base to find Spider-Man. Spidey decides to fix that by breaking into their base. Of course! Hiding right under their nose!

Or, uh, I don't know. Threatening a government official? I mean, yeah, he's evil, but he's head of a government task force. Ah well, fight the power Spidey!

At that point, Venom, being completely batshit insane, somehow senses a previous host at the homeless shelter. I don't remember him having that power, but whatever. Spidey, remembering that Aunt May is volunteering at that shelter, rushes to save the day. Before that though, Gargan finds Brock, and plans to kill him? I think?

You know, as this comes to a close, it wasn't the best intro, but I don't know why I thought this was so bad before. I mean, what could happen on the last page-- NO WAIT NO I DIDN'T MEAN THAT

God dammit.

Parts 3 and 4

Dark Avengers 9

Okay, although it's incredibly late, I finally got off my lazy ass (Or on, I don't stand up to do this stuff.) and wrote a review. This time:

Comic Review: Dark Avengers 9



Now then, recapping, the last thing that happened with the Dark Avengers is the whole mutant thing, which led directly into this List nonsense, so there we are with that. Another thing is what Nick Fury, former head of SHIELD has been doing. He's been setting up a team of Secret Warriors to counter HAMMER and Osborn, because that's what he does. In the process, he recruited Phobos, God of Fear, otherwise known as Alex, who is Ares' son. This has happened without Ares' knowledge, especially since Ares has been working for Osborn this whole time.

So we start with Victora Hand, Norman Osborn's assistant, on the phone with some White House secretary, who wants to talk to Osborn. She goes to his door, but when she tries to get in, he replies, "Not now." So she tells the person on the phone he's on a mission and walks away.



We then cut to the Bronx, in what is presumably Ares' home, where he wakes up Alex for school. While Alex eats cereal, he asks Ares about the mutant thing, and whether it was a good thing to do. Ares, in his ever so subtle way, tells him why it was good.



After Ares leaves, Alex goes with Daisy, second in command of Fury's team, to bring him to their new hideout. Unfortunately, Ares hadn't left entirely, and was waiting for them.



Daisy somehow doesn't notice a behemoth of a man on a giant motorcycle wielding a battleaxe following closly behind her. Anyway, once they arrive at the base, Fury's job for his crew is to read. Presumably about HYDRA and whatnot. Before that gripping portion of training can begin, Ares smashes his way in.



He proceeds to promptly take down Hellfire, and then moves on to Nick Fury. Fury orders the rest of the team away, so it's just Fury and Ares. Oh yeah, Ares vs. Fury. This is gonna rock. This is gonna--



Ooookay. I guess Fury is just Dr. Phil now. Either way, Ares agrees to let him keep training and whatnot, so everything works out without an epic battle. Yay.

Back at Avengers Tower, the rest of the Avengers have small talk about superheroes who think they're hilarious, when Sentry shows up. Sentry goes to his room, to look for his wife, Lindy.



Turns out she has a gun from Captain Marvel, because Bob is crazy and unstoppable. After reducing his head to a smoldering skull shaped piece of dead. The last panel is of Norman Osborn's door opening. Ooo, spooky.

This was pretty good, despite the unfulfilled promise of action. I really expected Ares to kick some major ass, being the God of War and all, but instead he decided to get all "I'm a terrible father!" I'm willing to bet Sentry's just going to heal and be all "Oh Lindy, what silly games you play!" I'm also guessing Norman might be all Goblin'd up again or something. It's hard to tell sometimes.

The List: Avengers

Okay, it's been a while, since I had to adjust to college life and whatnot, but now I'm finally ready for another of my classic (not really) comic reviews! This time we have:

Comic Review: The List: Avengers



This is the first of an 8 part series likely signaling the end of the big Dark Reign crossover stuff, because no doubt Quesada already has another pointless crossover in the works.

The comic begins at Avengers Tower, with Norman Osborn talking to Ares about how there must be a to-do list, so he can make the world all better. He makes note of what was wrong with the old way, saying things such as, the superhero civil war (Civil War), the skrull invasion (Secret Invasion), Hulk attacking New York City (Planet Hulk), and Scarlet Witch wiping out a species (House of M, where she got rid of a lot of mutants afterwards.). So, basically, everything that Joe Quesada was a part of is what's wrong with the Marvel Universe. Maybe Brian Michael Bendis is trying to say something?

We then cut to a newscast about X-Island. Oh yeah, about that. See, there was that big Utopia fiasco, where there was a big mutant riot in San Francisco, Osborn came in, created his own team of X-Men, set martial law, and hired Dark Beast to find a way to drain mutant powers. He set up a giant mutant prison thing on an island out at see, so the actual X-Men went there to fight him. There was another big battle, the X-Men won, kinda, and took the island as a kind of sanctuary from anti-mutant people. Yeah, they have a mutant Israel now. Osborn's fine with that, and just calls it an inescapable prison for mutant terrorists. I think somebody didn't think that through too much.

So, anyway, the newscast talks about the last part, the mutant prison, and we then see Clive Barton, the Ronin formerly known as Hawkeye, declare his brilliant plan.



Everyone disagrees with this, especially since they had gone over this before, after Barton had gone on TV saying Osborn was a crazy loon. Everyone tells him this was a bad idea, and he agrees, saying a better idea would have been to assassinate Osborn. Spider-Man, of course, says this is not the heroic thing to do, but everyone else seems a bit more hesitant. Anyway, they find some action before they can really sort it out, so Ronin is still on about it.

Spider-Man holds that killing Osborn would simply be a bad thing to do, while everyone else isn't as steadfast. Ronin makes an analogy, positing that any of them would kill Hitler given the chance.



Aaanyway, he goes to each of the other Avengers, who say it's probably more important that they help their X-friends first. He gets angry and storms off, so his girlfriend/former wife/I don't know Mockingbird goes to talk to him. She agrees to help him on his murderous rampage, because that's what a good spouse does. That night, after "snuggle time," Barton leaves without her, but bring along enough weapons and ammo to bring down a small country.

He breaks into the building, taking out Venom first. This causes a distraction, as everybody thinks Venom tried to escape.



Wait, shouldn't only the higher ups know that Venom isn't actually Spider-Man? I thought the whole "secretly supervillains" thing was on a need-to-know basis. Anyway, Hawkeye comes out with a bow and arrow, which Ronin counters with a machine gun. Daken, also known as Dark Wolverine comes into the fray, who Ronin dispatches by an arrow through his head. He sees Moonstone, and asks if she wants to help him kill her boss, She declines, because there are cameras on her. She blasts Barton, but a security lockdown causes force fields which save him just in time.

Barton finally gets into Osborn's room, and shoots him.



Unfortunately, Osborn has a whole lotta Stark tech, like a personal shield, which can deflect bullets. Ares then arrives to beat the living shit out of Barton, and Norman delcares him under arrest.

This was a pretty good issue. I can expect that because Brian Michael Bendis was writing it. Funny how probably the only person not writing for Amazing Spider-Man is the best writer for him. I was wondering when Osborn would finally get down to business and take care of some shit. I'm interested in seeing where this is going, but disappointed because Bendis isn't writing the other 7 issues, so they could go either way. I'll still buy the next one, and that will determine if the rest are worth buying. Hopefully I'll be able to get more reviews in as more review-worthy comics are released. Until next time, this is The W Defender, signing off.

American Son Parts 4 and 5

Okay then, I finally got the last part of the American Son saga, so now for the review you've all been waiting for.

Comic Review: Amazing Spider-Man 598 + 599

Now then, last time, we were left with the tantalizing notion that Spider-Man may have gotten shot and killed in response to his extremely stupid behavior.

This issue starts with Harry and Norman having a heart-to-heart, Norman telling his son that he's proud of him, while he's covered in blood. Norman reveals to Harry his plans for the American Son project, and when Harry asks if Spider-Man is going to live, Norman gives a negatory.

We next cut to Spider-Man, strapped to a wall, blood on his face, and a laser shooting his head. See, the Venom mask he had was created by Reed Richards, who took precautions in case Spider-Man's completely idiotic plan somehow found its way toward trouble. Osborn, content to keep his hands from getting dirty, promises a bonus to Hawkeye if he can get Spider-Man to reveal his identity, or get his mask off.

We then cut to a pretty useless interlude where we follow Norah as she flirts her way to restricted security levels.

Anyway, then we go back to Spider-Man, as Hawkeye shows how he'd rather be known as Bullseye for no understandable reason.

I mean, in the Dark Hawkeye limited series, people dressed as Bullseye are currently trying to drive him insane. So, you know, by all means he shouldn't have the inclination to dress in his former persona. Just another example of an author not bothering to care what else is going on in the universe, or about any changes to character.

After that pointless costume change, Norman shows Harry the armor and explains to him the treatment he will be receiving won't be drugs, per se, but more of a compound, like the super soldier serum. I mean, it's not like every attempt to replicate that has ended in failure or anything.

Anyway, while Spider-Man is still in incredible pain, Norman reveals he can break down the compound in his mask, and while he does so, he proceeds to tell Spider-Man that Harry sold him out for a woman. Obviously he's never heard of "bros before hos." Harry, in the meantime, gets to Lily, and tries to give her the cure to the Goblin serum. She freaks out, and knocks Harry down. Osborn, in turn, drops some significant foreshadowing in two words.

It then shows Lily, turned into a new and improved Menace, who for some reason doesn't look pregnant at all anymore. Apparently the baby changes or something so she can have a flat stomach again. I don't know. Anyway, the foreshadowing Osborn dropped before is quickly uncovered before anyone can speculate on it.

Spider-Man finally breaks free from his little prison, and proceeds to beat the shit out of Norman and Bullseye. Harry runs away from the new Menace, who laments her old boyfriends ball-growing.

Norman gets the upper hand on Spidey again, and is about to rip off his almost entirely destroyed mask when Harry bursts in, with the American son suit assembling itself on him.

When the next issue begins, the bleeding near unconscious Spider-Man has a flashback amid Harry and Norman having a supersuit fight. I actually like this flashback, because it, at least, is well written, and it's from the time when Norman liked Peter more than Harry, so Harry got in a fight at a frat party to take out the anger. It's sentimental, but I liked it. Anyway, they fight, and there's a nice splash page.

So they fight, and the dialogue pretty much amounts to "Daddy! You used me!" "You know what? GO TO YOUR ROOM." Until Harry decides to bring it all out in the open.

After smashing Norman through the wall of the skyscraper, Harry goes to a shadowed, unmasked Spider-Man, and Harry tells him that he hasn't seen his identity, and to stay out of the fight. As the fight is taken outside, Norman tells Harry he couldn't make Harry into the son he wanted, so another opportunity presented itself.

Norman then gains the upper hand, and looks like he's about to win, so guess who comes to save the day!

There's a battle royale between Norman, Menace, Harry, and Spider-Man, until Harry stands triumphant. Harry is about to kill him, until Spider-Man gives him the old "If you kill him you will become him" speech, so Harry backs down, takes off the suit, and walks away.

Next Peter is in the hospital, with the explanation that he was hit by a car, and that's why he has a black eye and random other injuries a car could not possibly inflict. Harry, who tells a doctor about the goblin serum, gets an offer for a prescription of Oxycontin, which could foreshadow more drug addiction for him, right after he got sober again. Norah, Peter's whore friend, talks to the editor at the paper while she reviews the footage she got from the Avengers building. Instead of what she wanted, she gets a recording of the friend she stole the keycard from being tortured, then footage of her using it, with a voiceover saying "I never forget the people who meddle in my affairs. NEVER." So she gets too scared to continue her story. The last part of the story has Norman talking to his yet-to-be-born son about how he's going to kick everyone's ass. Then the issue ends.

Okay. Now. These issues. First of all, the "Norman Osborn boned your girlfriend and now she's having a kid" was done before, with Gwen Stacy of all people. I mean, I get the feeling these comics are just a retreading of old stuff, only in a worse way. Of course, saying Norman Osborn knocked up Gwen Stacy wasn't the best thing ever written in the first place. I mean, man, he implied he was impotent before, but he's the opposite! Who hasn't he banged yet? I heard he winked at a girl once, and the next day she was in her third trimester.

Anyway, these two could have been better, Osborn still talked like Frank Miller Batman, but the last issue had some redeeming factors, and it finally ended. I'm probably going to get Amazing Spider-Man 600 since I heard Mary Jane was going to be in it. I bought a new Place Vendome CD, so I'll probably write a review of that in time, for those sick of these reviews. Anyway, until next time, this is the W Defender, signing off!

Dark Avengers 6

It's been a bad time for Marvel comics lately, and by that, I mean Spider-Man. Amazing Spider-Man is bad, Sinister Spider-Man is worse, and Amazing Spider-Man Family made me sad. Luckily, there's still something good in all of this, for all of you that are sick of my more scathing comic reviews. It is:

Comic Review: Dark Avengers 6



Last time I reviewed one of these, Norman Osborn had put together his team of Avengers from former criminals and the like. After that, they responded to a distress call from Dr. Doom, who Osborn was in league with. They beat some evil magic woman called Morgana Le Fey, who was pissed at Doom because he broke up with her or something. During the battle, the Sentry was apparently killed, but when they returned home, there we was, good as new. While Osborn gave an interview on the TeeVee, Ms. Marvel was gettin' it on with the new Captain Marvel, and revealed to him that they were all criminals, which he didn't know because he really wasn't one. At the end of the issue, we see Atlantean people riding on manta rays and whatnot, attacking Los Angeles.

At the start of this issue, we see Namor, former prince of the now fractured empire of Atlantis, flying out of the sea towards the new Avengers tower. It's a really nice shot, and makes me appreciate the artists who made this.



Anyway, he joins in on the meeting of the Cabal, Osborn's secret evil group of evil people, who are trying to take over the world, or something else just as vague and evil. In it are: Dr. Doom: Ruler of Latveria and Scientist/Magic Man; Emma Frost: Former X-Man, was evil, then good, now apparently evil again; The Hood: A small time crook who hit the big time when all the superheroes were distracted with Civil War; Loki: Norse God of Mischief, turned himself into a woman for reasons I don't understand; and finally, Namor. They're meeting because Osborn wants Namor to publicly denounce the Atlantean terrorists, destroy all but one, then drag that one through the streets as retribution. Namor asks why, and gets a cogent response.



Ignoring that thoroughly polite reason, Namor refuses, so we cut to the next day, in Avengers Tower. Nobody knows where Captain Marvel is, so they ask Ms. Marvel.



Osborn comes in, and tells them all about the situation, and that him and the Sentry are going to kick some Atlantean ass, and the rest will be the second wave if necessary. Osborn's assistant, Victoria Hand, suggests he takes this mission off, because he hasn't slept since he became director of HAMMER. Osborn silently agrees, and proceeds to send only the Sentry. As Sentry is flying away, we see a small flashback-ish thing, with Osborn talking to Sentry right before the mission. He tells the Sentry, "We need him." and "To exact God's wrath on them." Sentry replies thusly.



Osborn says, "Kill them. All but one." We then see shots of Sentry's eyes, entirely black, which I think is a nice effect. The next few pages have no dialogue, just Sentry killing Atlantean shit. He brings up an Atlantean for the press, as Osborn talks to the President about how well it went, etc. Next we see the Atlantean thrown in a cell, where he isn't exactly going to get due process.



Osborn asks Ms. Marvel where "his space alien" is, and freaks out a bit. He walks out of the room, and collapses in Tony's old armor vault. Then the issue ends on an interesting note.



See, Dark Avengers is why I still read Marvel comics. Bryan Michael Bendis is an awesome writer, Mike Deodato and Will Conrad are exemplary on the art, and the story is good. Each character keeps their personalities, it's got action, everything. So yeah, I love Dark Avengers. Even in the face of Cannibal Venom.

American Son Parts 2 and 3

Although it hurts me inside, I'll continue to review this farce of an Amazing Spider-Man storyline. This time, I'll write on the next two issues, so this goes by faster.

Comic Review: Amazing Spider-Man 596 + 597

This starts a bit after the last issue ended, with Harry at a press conference joining the Avengers. We cut to Peter yelling at Harry, because joining the Avengers must be a terrible idea. Afterwards, Peter is so distracted he doesn't notice a burning building right freaking next to him. I don't really get the point of it though, it doesn't affect any other scenes, and we don't actually see him helping anyone out of it. I guess it's to remind us he does some superheroing between beating up government officials?

After that bit of random idiocy, we go to the Avengers Tower, where Norman is showing Harry around, and Harry wants to see his ex-girlfriend Lily. Norman lies and tells Harry that she doesn't want to see him. In another part of the tower, Norah, one of Peter's co-workers, apparently has a job there, flirting with a security guard who has access to the secure floors.

We then go to Aunt May's house, where Peter still lives for no reason, where Peter and Jay, Jameson's dad, have a little heart-to-heart about how Jay deserted in the army to see his son, Jonah, born. The studio audience goes "Awwww" and the scene ends. Back in Avengers Tower, Harry has to get some vaccines to work there, but resists due to the suspicion that it would be Goblin formula, but Norman assures him it's good, so he gets them anyway.

We next see Peter talking to what seems like nobody, until the last panel of the page reveals he's talking to Gwen Stacy's grave. Sheesh, that guy needs to get laid. Badly. Anyway, he then talks to Norah, who reveals her DEVIOUS plan to infiltrate Avengers Tower, and do... something. Report on it, I guess. She attributes her genius to fetal alcohol syndrome. Peter objects on the grounds that Osborn will find out and gut her like a fish, but she storms off, angrily.

The next part stars our favorite ripoff, Mac Gargan Venom. I could go on about what's wrong, but long story short: He's not the Venom I know and love. Anyway, it shows him talking to a hooker, her trying to negociate a price, while he talks about how pretty she smells. What happens next is what the people who made The Madness were kind enough to omit. To wit:

Yeah. The less we talk about that, the better. Spider-Man then attacks, unfortunately too late for my sanity, and has a strange device on his back. Hawkeye, who's supposed to be watching Venom, is instead picking his nose and killing mice with his boogers. Yeah. Spider-Man then goes to describe how he beat Venom, using a sound generator, and he describes its effect as "having diarrhea pumping through your veins." Yeah. Okay, whoever's writing this obviously isn't the most eloquent they have over at Marvel. If the burning building exploded, I would suspect it was Michael Bay. But I digress. Spider-Man throws Venom in a vault with the machine, even though, presumably, it's causing him extreme pain. Turns out Invisible Woman gave him the sound machine, and also gives him what looks like a black Spider-Man suit.

At Avengers Tower, Harry gets up from his bed, disables a security camera, and leaves. In the conference room, everyone's there, including Venom, who we can infer is Spider-Man, due to his thought bubbles. Osborn's speech is entirely different than it is in Dark Avengers, and by that, I mean he speaks like a 6 year old. He calls everyone by their villain names, rather than their Avenger names, and calls everyone a "pack of retarded children." Yeah. The issue ends when he reveals the name of his plans for Harry: American Son.

The next issue begins with Norman going into a secure floor of the tower, and Spider-Man's classy reaction.

They then go in, and Osborn shows him the armor-thing for American Son. It just looks like Iron Man ripoff armor with a badly drawn eagle on the chest and an American flag pasted on the shoulder. Not terribly inspired. Anyway, Osborn shows him the results of their testing of the Super-Soldier serum and its effects when combined with the Goblim serum. Osborn of course, still has no trace of the speech patterns he had in Dark Avengers, but I just don't care anymore. One of the hideous mutants tries to kill Osborn, but Spider-Man, entirely out of character if he's trying to act like Venom, kicks it to the ground. As Osborn insults the imposter-Venom, Harry gets ready to knock out some guards to get into Norman's office, (And he calls his father Norman rather than Dad, I don't know why.) but he gets pulled into the shadows by someone with glowy eyes.

At Aunt May's house, the power goes out, as an ominous voiceover talks about something great or terrible over shots of evil spying robots looking at everything. Back at Avengers Tower, it turns out Lily was the one that pulled Harry away, and Harry proceeds to tell her that he'll cure her of the Goblin formula, so Norman will let them be together or something. With the Avengers, Spider-Man over-acts, presumably to make up for his prior heroism.

After going to "Monitor Duty" on an elevator, Dark Wolverine attacks him, because he smells cleaner than the actual Venom. They fight, Spider-Man eventually wins, and Harry walks in. Spider-Man reveals that he is, in fact, the actual Spider-Man. Harry freaks out, asks Spider-Man why he's meddling, and raises a very good point.

Then Norman walks in, and Spider-Man makes up something, which Harry says is a lie. Spider-Man is then pinned to the floor by arrows, and Norman, although it's not something he would say, asks a question I was really wondering.

So then Norman punches him in the face, and presumably shoots him. All we see is him shooting the gun, then Spider-Man's hand on the ground with a pool of blood under it. Then the issue ends. Yeah, a cliffhanger can save this.

Okay, these two were just as bad as the first one, only now I can't even sympathize with Norman, because he talks like Batman when written by Frank Miller. Spider-Man acts like an idiot, and I think getting shot in the head was an adequate consequence. It'll be a week or two before I get the last two issues in this, so if you hate these reviews, there'll be a break. That's all for today.

American Son Part 1

Oh, how I mourn for Amazing Spider-Man. See, I used to really like it. But now it's entirely terrible. It's a long story.

It starts with Civil War, a previously mentioned crossover wherein Spider-Man revealed his identity to the public at large in support of the Superhuman Registration Act. But then he realized Tony Stark was a nazi who was trapping his former friends in an inescapable prison in the Negative zone, so he joined the Anti-registration side. After Civil War was over, Tony had won, Captain America was dead, and Spider-Man was a fugitive. Kingpin, the fat crime lord guy, although being in prison, ordered a hit on Aunt May, since now every villain ever now knew who Spider-Man was. Aunt May got shot, Spider-Man went back in his black suit, beat the shit out of Kingpin, and swore Kingpin would die when Aunt May did.

So, Aunt May was in a coma, Spider-Man had committed a shitload of felonies, and he was married to Mary Jane, to the chagrin of the Editor in Chief of Marvel, Joe Quesada. The solution? MAKE A FAUSTIAN BARGAIN. In a storyline called One More Day, Peter and Mary Jane agree to erase their marriage from existence, selling it to the closest equivalent to the Devil Marvel has, Mephisto. As a direct result of this, Peter is single once again, lives with his Aunt, has no job, has no legal troubles, his friend Harry Osborn is alive again, and nobody at all knows who Spider-Man is. Even those who knew before he revealed it. Even freaking Venom. Augh.

So, to correspond with this, Marvel canceled all other Spider-Man titles, leaving only Amazing Spider-Man, which is released three times a month. It now has SEVEN alternating writers and FIVE alternating artists. In short: This comic is a mess. I tried reading a few issues after the big switch, and they sucked. To correspond with the new Dark Reign thing going on, there's a new storyline, called American Son. I bought a few issues in this, because I thought it would be good, since Osborn was a Spider-Man villain in the first place, so these might be worth reading. How mistaken I was.

Comic Review: Amazing Spider-Man 595

This comic begins with Peter and Harry Osborn, picking up chicks. They then see Norman's giant evil jet of evilness, flying to his super-evil malicious tower. Of evil. We then cut to Peter at work, at his new newspaper, Front Line. He goes on a big tirade at how evil Norman Osborn is, and everybody just laughs at him. Because he's totally not evil. At all. To be honest, Osborn really hasn't done anything evil yet. He's appeared to have been cured of his Goblin persona, and so far he's saved Latveria in what could be a diplomatic mission.

It then shows Spider-Man and Wolverine having a chat about Osborn. Spider-Man gets all whiny, while Wolverine suggests that Spider-Man just kill him. Wolverine then makes an incredibly subtle joke about Bush, comparing him to Osborn. Then they fist pound. THEY MAKE A JOKE ABOUT BUSH, THEN FIST POUND. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU DO IN COMICS. AAAAAAAAHHH.

...Ahem. Anyway, the next scene is with Peter and his-now-apparent-enemy J. Jonah Jameson. I mean, these guys are just antagonistic. Jameson became the new mayor of New York (and subsequently a nazi), for reasons not adequately explained. But anyway, they are full-on hatin'. It doesn't really make much sense, I mean, Jameson only really hated Spider-Man, and since he doesn't know who that is, he should act the same way towards Peter. Before, Jameson was either ambivalent towards Peter, or in rare cases was almost a kind of father figure. But now they just hate each other. I guess Peter just didn't have enough enemies.

In other developments, Jameson's father is engaged to Aunt May. Peter found out about this in the worst way possible. You know what I mean. (THEY WERE IN BED. EEEEWWWW) So Jameson is having a party for vaguely defined reasons, and the guest of honor shows up. Who else but-- you guessed it, Norman Osborn! Nobody but Jameson wants Osborn there, since Harry is convinced Norman ruined his life, Peter knows he's the Green Goblin, and Jameson's dad says he's evil. Norman retorts that the old man is a deserter, and that pretty much settles the issue. Norman invites Harry to join his Avengers, which Harry promptly rejects.

That night, Harry's ex-girlfriend/supervillain comes calling, by breaking through a window. Her name is Lily, but she's called Menace, and she's the newest Goblin themed villain. She got a type of the goblin serum accidentally spilled on her, and she can change forms from a reasonably attractive girl to an evil horned Goblin thingy at will. She got beaten up by Spider-Man in an earlier storyline, and pretty much gave up supervillainy. Aaanyway, she shows Harry something shocking, at least, it is to Harry.

Next we see Norman talking to a hologram of his secretary, when he is pulled forcefully from his limo by some webs. Yes, Spider-Man kidnapped Norman Osborn. The man who's practically the leader of American defense. See, Spider-Man is angry that Norman would invite Harry to the Avengers. How would Spider-Man know that, you ask, since he can't let Norman know he's Peter Parker? He has spies on Jameson's staff. Yeah, that's believable. Spider-Man proceeds to beat the living shit out of Osborn, who at that point had done nothing directly against Spider-Man. I mean, at this stage, I'm on Normie's side. He was just minding his own business, trying to get his son in on the "We're all heroes" deal. Spider-Man just freaked out and beat a grown man for no adequately explained reason. Don't worry Norman, I'm rootin' for ya!

Anyway, Spider-Man inexplicably decides to kill Osborn by strangling him, because advice from Wolverine is always good advice. He stops when Norman answers his phone, and, surprise surprise, Harry accepted his Avengers offer! Then Spider-Man walks away in defeat. The next page, we see Harry kneeling next to Lily, who is now pregnant. That's how it ends.

This issue makes me sad. It makes me sad inside. I had hoped for a good Spider-Man issue, but this was just disappointing. Character derailment, bad writing, and a storyline that just doesn't make any sense plague the issue, in what I thought would be good. I mean, the art is still fine, and at least I can sympathize with someone in here. (Hint: It's Norman.) We'll just have to see how low we can go when I review the rest of this storyline.