Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Let's Watch The Pirate Fairy

Guys, I'm gonna be honest, I never thought I'd be doing this. I've been working in a store recently, and in that store, there's a display TV that constantly plays whatever new kids movie came out on DVD. During Christmastime, I had to suffer through tiny clips of The Croods whenever I walked by that aisle, and I constantly got distracted by Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, so much so that I eventually watched it. There's something odd about catching random snippets of movies through an 8-hour workday, even moreso if that extends for weeks. Last month, we got some fairy movie, which annoyed me because I thought it would be annoying background noise to stocking shelves or whatnot. As the movie went on, there were a lot of times I had to stop while glancing past the TV, and say something like, "Wait, is that Tinkerbell?" or "Wait, is that Captain Hook?!" So now, I have to watch this movie. You might think I'm crazy, but I need to know what the hell this has to do with Peter Pan Lore. We all know how well my last liveblog went, so let's do that again! This is a great idea! Wait, no it isn--

Let's Watch: The Pirate Fairy



So we're going to that weird looking star-thing which is Neverland. Apparently, this is the fairy place. And a pop song is playing. The fairies are... what?



WITCHCRAFT

Okay, well, they're doing fairy stuff, I guess. and here comes Zarina, another fairy. ...Hooo boy, I dunno about this movie. Whole buncha sparkles and



Out... of pixie dust? I'm confused, don't fairies, like, produce pixie dust? I thought that was how Wendy and the kids fly. Well, that and happy thoughts.

So Zarina don't need your pixie dust bullshit, she's too busy doing parkour off of tree branches and stuff. Yeah, take that pixie dust economy!



I'm as confused as you are.


Guys we are 2 minutes in and I am pretty bewildered. They're... washing birds? Can't, like, birds do that themselves? And one of the fairies is a tornado? What?

Anyway, Zarina hears a horn, and rushes off to some mill-looking place. Then she... punches in. Like, you would at a job, but instead of a punchclock, it's a bug who bites a leaf. ...Well. okay then.


Wait wait wait. Fairies have jobs? She's on a goddamn assembly line! Does that mean washing birds is the other fairies' job? Why do fairies need jobs? They're fairies! Okay, so they package pixie dust from... wherever it comes from. Zarina starts asking a bunch of heretical questions about pixie dust, and everyone is aghast at her evil scientific questioning. Luckily, some fat fairy guy doing a Sean Connery impression shows up. His name is... wait what.


You know, I'm just gonna let this one go. I mean, if I were named Newman, I would totally make people call me Human Newman. So yeah. he's getting someone for "Blue Fairy Dust" duty, and because Yvette is gone, it's Zarina's turn. She starts asking a bunch of questions again.


GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR QUESTIONS! I'M 26! 27 IS THE DEVIL!

Fairy Gary (YEEAAAH! ROCK ON FAIRY GARY!) explains that questions are bad, because pixie dust is important. So they bring the blue dust up to some flower thing, and dump it in. Apparently, blue dust is what makes more of the regular type.


Yeah, like a Green dust that lets you make objects out of light! Or a red one that makes you all angry! But seriously, why doesn't she go to a fairy library. There's gotta be some fairy librarian.


Nevermind, get out of here.

So Fairy Gary (FUCK YEAH FAIRY GARY) goes on to exposit that nobody messes with pixie dust, because its power is too great, and if we experiment too much, we'll blow up Fairyville. As such, Dustkeepers are forbidden to tamper with pixie dust. I'm sure she won't do anyth--


SHE'S GOT A SECRET LAB BURN THE WITCH

She looks over her lab notes in frustration, because she can't do shit. Then I guess some blue dust just floats into her house, and she does some illegal experiments with it. Then she goes to wait wait wait


Tinker Bell can talk? I thought she just went all Ding-a-Ling? Though, I guess it wouldn't make much sense if she was the only mute fairy. Well, okay then. Zarina shows Tink the evil results of her experimentation. With Tinkerbell, she makes some orange and purple stuff. Great, now we're gonna have a Pixie Dust Corps which polices the Galaxy, and it gets really confusing, and there's going to be a lot of rainbow colored splash pages. Zarina trips, and dumps some purple stuff on a plant.


Uh oh.

Her evil plant goes on to destroy Fairyville, just like Fairy Gary said it would. Why?! Why didn't we listen to Fairy Gary??!


GREAT JOB, SCIENTIST

Fairy Gary finds the purple pixie dust, so Zarina is fired. Oh no, now she has to collect Fairy Unemployment! Or she'll leave forever with her stuff.


Woah, a timeskip? Wasn't expecting that.

So there's some big festival going on. And now I guess we're with the other main characters? I don't know their names except for Tinker Bell.


Wait, like, she's called Tinker Bell because she tinkers with stuff? Did they just make that up? They keep talking about these Winter Fairies, because apparently this is only the latest in a series of fairy movies. Uh oh, let's hope I don't fall down that rabbit hole. So the festival starts with some Ice Fairies doing Ice stuff.


God dammit. I'm going to have to watch all of these things to know what's going on, aren't I? Meanwhile, Zarina shows up in the background and starts spreading purple dust on plants. Those plants are apparently poppies, and Zarina explodes them, causing all the fairies except the main cast to fall asleep.


Yes! Make them pay! MAKE THEM ALL PAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!

While everyone is asleep, Zarina steals all the blue dust. Our main cast finds out their source of pixie dust is gone, apparently. I still don't get that, they all have wings, why do fairies need pixie dust to fly? Our intrepid heroes make a daring chase after Zarina, and find her destination.


YAY PIRATES! At least, I sure hope it's Yay Pirates. The Fairy Gang deduces the pirates must have captured Zarina, and stole the dust. But then UH OH


OH NO THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE WAS RIGHT SHE'S A PIRATE FAIRY
They really shouldn't have fired her. This just goes to show that unemployment leads to crime.

So the fairies (oh god how many times have I said fairy so far in this thing) get the blue dust, but it awakens the wrath of Title Character.


CAREBARESTARE

So the rainbow kicks the crap out of them, and Zarina gets the dust back. The Fairy Gang wakes up later to find somebody tie-dyed their dresses.


Oh no, wait, she switched their Lantern Corps.


So now they're all like mutants when they first get powers, and all of them suck at what they do. Friggin Rainbows. There's a lot of jokes to that effect. Then what's-her-face hatches a... crocodile?


Okay then. That's that I suppose. The croc is now in love with her or something. I don't get it. So they all work together and blah blah IT'S PIRATE TIME


Woah woah, is... is that Captain Hook? I mean, it kinda looks like him?


He has a British accent. Why does he have a British accent?


WOAH WAIT

OKAY I THINK I GOT THIS NOW

So fairies sound all Ding-a-Ling to humans! Apparently the guy who may or may not be Captain Hook is the only one who can understand them! MYSTERY SOLVED!


Okay, I was not expecting a Star Trek reference here. Gotta say.

The crew exposits about how they were lost at sea until they met Zarina, their current captain, and how she said she could make their ship fly. Oh boy, they're singing about flying. Did the pirates need a song? This doesn't make them seem very threatening. Well, okay, their captain is a fairy. Nevermind, this song makes perfect sense.


I don't know about this guy. He sounds nothing at all like Captain Hook, his voice is all smooth and British. He's gotta smoke, like, 20 packs of cigarettes by the end of this movie.


OH NO THEY FIGURED IT OUT


Oh okay.

I remember this song being really annoying in the background. It's not very good.


OH SHIT SKULL ROCK

Inside Skull Rock, Zarina grew another World Tree-- I mean, pixie dust tree. Clearly the greatest heresy thusfar. I don't think the Aspects are going to bless this one. Okay, so the Maybe Captain Hook guy is named James, the subtitles tell me. Let's go with that.


He's a huge pussy. Maybe he toughens up when his hand gets cut off? I mean, he is second in command to a fairy, for god's sake. James sweet-talks her for a bit, which, you know, is vintage Hook. He's great with the ladies. Er, well, the kind who are tiny and have wings. Whatever. So the fairies I don't care about fail to get the blue dust because who cares. They get caught and Awesome Pirate Fairy gives the "This is where I belong" speech.

She makes a shit ton of fairy dust, and covers James in it. Then he starts... flying? Wait, where's his happy thought? Aren't there rules to this? I don't


Is... Izzat Captain Hook flying around a cave with a fairy?


BEST MOVIE EVER


CURSE YOUR SUDDEN YET INEVITABLE BETRAYAL

So yeah, the pirates are evil, big surprise.


Well this is familiar. Dude's a one-trick pony. Though, he did get some gruff to his voice. Not a whole lot, but it's something.


There we go! Yeah, this was the scene that got me to watch this. Now that the fairy is captured, he can put on his flamboyant red coat and flowery hat. Like a man.


WHAT THE HELL?!

Like... they know that they're in Neverland? And that there's an actual world outside of it? What? How does that even work? Like, where did these guys come from in the first place? I'm so confused!

Anyway, the fairies are still stuck in the kitchen, when hope springs anew.


Yeah I probably should have seen this one coming. So the croc pulls them off the table, out of their entrapment. After some slapstick, they're all free. Then they do the ol' Kids-In-A-Trenchcoat ploy. Nobody seems to notice they're like Rayman, and have no limbs. They get the blue dust back, but relinquish it so Captain Hook doesn't kill Zarina., After some sparkles, the ship is ready to fly. I don't really get how they control the altitude, really. Ah well.

Captain Hook throws Zarina in the ocean, where she is saved by the Fairy Gang. They rush after the giant sparkley ship, then have a bunch of tiny swordfights with the Pirates.


You know, he's got a point. Somehow, the fairies begin to beat a bunch of grown men.


I'm not sure what to say anymore.


WHAT.

IT'S

IT'S THAT ONE

THAT'S THE CROCODILE

HOW

Okay, okay. So Captain Hook, proving himself as the only competent member of the crew, captures all the fairies and sets them on the right course again. Zarina escapes and topples the ship, sending all the pirates overboard. Except one.


OH NO


SHIT JUST GOT REAL

And it's over too quickly, because she throws a speck of blue dust at Hook, so he flies around all crazy, then they get the dust back. Hook exits as he usually does, pursued by the clock croc. The fairies all agree to go home together, even though, won't Zarina still be unemployed? Will she have to work tricks behind the Fairy Bar? Anyway, they bring the ship back and Zarina makes some more dust to wake everyone up. For some reason they're not pissed off at Zarina anymore, and ask her what she calls her witchcraft.


SHE'S PERFORMED THE TABOO! ALPHONSE!! AAALLLPHOOOONSE!!!

And just like that, even though she, like, broke every law they have, they let Zarina be the main event in their little show thing. It's all very flashy. And then it ends.

Well, that was a movie. Was this canon? Like, how does movie actually relate to


HOOBA JOOBA WHAAAAAA

TOM HIDDLESTON?!?

CHRISTINA HENDRICKS?!



THAT GUY



THAT BOOBS I MEAN CHICK




LUCY LIU????

that's it i'm done

1 comment:

  1. Wow...better your sanity than mine.

    ReplyDelete