Hard Up For Mountain Dew

It was one of those weeks.

You could see it all over my mug. Hardly a jitney to my name, crabbed my chances with the last skirt I knew, and I was jonesing for a spot of hooch real serious. Yessir, I was out the fundamental D's, no dime, no doll, and no draught. All I had to take my mind off things was the ol' Twitter rag. They'd found some new patsy to dogpile, but that ain't none of my business.

That's when I got a telegram from an ol' pal of mine. Said he got a hookup for some new giggle juice from out of state. I asked him, what kind? I ain't no hop head, but nobody's calling me a bluenose neither. He told me it's no jake, some brewer made up something like Mountain Dew, that old fizzy we used to drink. Seeing as how I was dryer than the last broad I was stuck on, I was in no position to say no. He said he'll give me a ring when he's got the shipment.

With a new spring in my step I legged it down the main drag. Finally, something going my way. I passed by the drugstore, which gave me a hint of nostalgia. I could while away a little time in there, til my guy got the goods. I walked in and ordered a Dew from the soda jerk.

After my bit of refreshment, the soda jerk came up to me and said, "You look like a cat who likes novelty."

I looked him up and down. "So what if I am?"

"Well," he smirked, "We got a new one of them Dews in. Brand new."

"Oh yeah? What's it called."

He gestured to some bottles behind the counter. "It's called Mountain Dew Zero."

I threw my hands up. "Well if you ain't got any why you offering it to me?"

"That ain't it, it's got no sugar, see?"

"No sugar?! Sugar's good for you! Next you'll be telling me they're taking the tobacco outta my cigars!"

I put up a stink but the kid had me pegged. I'll try anything once. He gave me a bottle and I was on my way.

Later my pal let me know the stuff came in and arranged the transfer. Had to be real hush-hush, couldn't let any coppers catch on. So on a certain street we were gonna hand it off real subtle-like. On the stem I saw him, looked like he got a cat on his back. Rushing through like he had somewhere to be in a hurry. But when he got close he shot me a little wink, and quick as a cannon we made the handoff. I hammed it back to my place before any dicks could catch wind, and settled myself down to get zozzled.

Once I got settled a took a look at my stash. Pretty sad to look at, but when you're a flat tire like myself you take what you can get.

I figured I may as well get a move on. Let's see what this brewer made up. I poured it into one of my ritziest glasses.

Now I don't care where you are, that's a dingy color for a beer. Last time I'd seen anything like that was that French giggle juice, it was called abcess or something. I gotta tell you, one sip of that and I gained a lot of respect for those Frenchies, if they're guzzling that down on the regular. So I had flits of the green fairy in my noggin when I took a swig.

Now, I've had some rotgut in my time, even a spot of bathtub gin or two. But one slug of this and I got the heebie-jeebies and started checking my vision. I don't know if I've ever tasted anything so bitter in my life. My ma used to wash out my mouth with soap when I cussed, and that's the closest I think I've gotten. I needed to get this taste outta my mouth, so I popped open the Zero. Any other time, I think I would have hated it. Had an odd taste to it, but it didn't taste like poison, so it may as well have been the finest bourbon to me.

The whole deal looked like it was a put on. I got some kind of tainted brew and a soda that weren't much better. That put me in the dumps, which made me want a drink. I think you probably know where this is going.

Yeah, I drank the whole thing. I didn't like it, but I sure don't like being sober neither. And there's good news, I ain't blind yet. But that don't mean I'm gonna have it again.

 Hold on, there's a cherry one? Lemme call my pal.

Spider-Man Sequel Speculation Spectacular

It's been a while, hasn't it? What with everything happening, sometimes I forget about the important things. Like Spider-Man. Luckily Marvel is here to put No Way Home back in theaters, this time with more stuff. Am I gonna watch it? Probably not. I got my jollies, and if there's an extended cut, I'll just buy it later and watch it when I've finished Spectacular again. But with the re-release of this movie, it got me thinking about all the buzz regarding potential sequels.

Given that Spider-Man has three separate live action reboots, something even the X-Men don't have yet, and now they've all been incorporated into the current corporate umbrella, there's really no telling what we could get next. Yeah, a Tom Holland film is pretty likely, given the last scene of NWH, but people have been speculating on a possible Amazing Spider-Man 3, or even a Spider-Man 4. Since I have nothing important or relevant to share with anyone, I will instead talk about what I would want from these properties, should they ever see the light of day. Who knows, it might happen.

Tom Holland Sequel

I'll start with this since it's the most likely to happen. Oh and uh, spoilers for NWH I guess, but if you haven't seen it yet why are you even here?

So at the end of No Way Home, we find Peter Parker at a very low point, but one with a lot of potential. He has no access to high-level technology, he's made his own suit out of actual fabric, and he's poor and alone with no friends, no money, and a shitty apartment. It's a great starting place! If they don't screw it up.

What I would like to see is a street-focused plot. No big cosmic stakes, no magic, no involvement with other heroes. Something that threatens the normal people of New York, and Spider-Man has to stop it. It would be a good chance to have some of the weirder villains, some of the lesser-known Silver Age stuff. My dream would be to have Big Wheel as a villain, even if he's not the main one, ideally played by Brendan Fraser. I would nominate The Spot, but Across the Spider-Verse picked him already, and will likely do a better job than any live action film could hope for. Maybe someone like the Crime Master or Tombstone, crime lords that hold a grudge, raising the stakes in a more believable way.

Since the entire supporting cast has been cut off, it would be nice to have a spotlight on some as-yet-unseen supporting characters. Maybe Randy Robertson lives in the same apartment building, and he meets Debra Whitman during his travels. The supporting cast for Spider-Man over its run is just tremendous, but we've been stuck with the same Coffee Bean cast for every iteration so far. There's more options than just Mary Jane, Harry Osborn, and Flash Thompson here!

I've seen a lot of suggestions for Black Cat to appear, and while I don't think that would be a bad idea, it would conflict with ideas I have for the other Spider-Men, but I'll get to that later.

Mainly, I want this film to be about Peter Parker making it on his own, struggling with his split time, his money, and trying to keep his life going through personal tragedy. It's what I like best from Spider-Man and they've finally set up this particular iteration to fulfill that. Instead of using Iron Man technology, I want what the Insomniac Spider-Man game referred to as "guerilla science," Peter using scraps to create what he needs in the moment, without support from higher up. A scene where after losing a fight, he has to whip up some gadget from a disassembled radio, a DVD player, and a sewing machine instead of accessing another function on his highly technological suit. That's the shit I like.

I don't know what he could do for work that wouldn't rehash the stuff from Spider-Man 2. He ain't exactly got credentials, so college might be out of the picture. Does he have a social security card? Can he get a job? The magic fuckery makes it unknown what exactly he can do to put food on the table. Photographer is the standard backup, and I guess I can't disagree, but there's gotta be something else he could do. It's up in the air, and I don't really have strong opinions about it,

The Amazing Spider-Man 3

So this is much more of an open question. The mere possibility of this film is fan speculation, mostly people demanding it after No Way Home made everyone love Andrew Garfield. It's not even clear if Garfield would be willing to do this, as I've seen unsubstantiated stuff from that Sony leak a few years back that suggested he was fed up with the Cape Movie machine. But! He did come back for NWH, so not all hope is lost.

The suggestion I've seen the most from fans here is the addition of Spider-Gwen, to which I must respond: Please no, god, no, no. Absolutely not.

If they're going to have a Spider-Gwen (or Spider-Woman or Ghost Spider) in live action, just make a solo film for Pete's sake. Gwen just died in the last film, and it would be much more interesting to see Peter deal with another romantic interest in the wake of his grief than bring an alternate version of her over, only she has spider powers now. Just give us someone new! I just want grief without any multiversal shenanegans to make it stupid!

So, who could we have instead? I would nominate Black Cat. Felicia Hardy made a cameo in ASM 2, working for Oscorp, which is easy enough to explain as one step in some heist Hardy was pulling off. Maybe some technology she stole could make her a more effective thief, I dunno. I think the dynamic would be nice, if Black Cat is only interested in Spider-Man instead of Peter Parker, and Peter deals with his grief by being Spider-Man more often. Not to mention the best thing about the Amazing films have been the romantic chemistry and Black Cat was a major romantic interest for Peter, so it could work out quite well.

Now, for supporting cast, Harry Osborn is out the window, seeing as how he got Goblin'd up last movie. I say: Bring back Flash Thompson. He's been the only movie Flash I'd want to see again, and there's a lot you can do with him. Maybe he joined the military offscreen, and has to deal with that at the same time he deals with Gwen's death. There's a strong friendship between Peter and Flash in the comics, which has never been portrayed well in other media, as far as I can tell. Let's finally get some of that in live action! If they get Flash, I don't care as much about other characters.

Since Peter was doing photography for the Daily Bugle in ASM 2, it would make sense for him to continue that and even make it his full-time gig for this one. Though that would involve yet another iteration of J. Jonah Jameson and the Bugle crew, I'm not sure if they'd go for it. Maybe Robertson could run the show, and you spotlight other reporters, like Ben Urich. If the newsroom stuff is more centered, it could work. I could see some shenanegans where Peter has to convince a seasoned journalist that he's not Spider-Man, and there's ambiguity as to whether it actually worked.

I just want this film to reckon with what happened in ASM 2, see Peter deal with his loss and continue his life beyond it. Andrew's portrayal of Peter in NWH was one of the best, and I want to see more. Hopefully they don't screw it up, if a third installment is even in the cards.

Spider-Man 4

Yeah so this one is just completely out there, very little chance of this ever happening. But why not! A man can dream!

Now, an older Spider-Man is not something we've seen here much. The best example is something like Peter B. Parker from Spider-Verse. I don't think Tobey could pull it off the same way though. A suggestion I've seen thrown around a lot is to bring the focus away from him, and onto his daughter with Mary Jane, effectively making this a Spider-Girl film. I'd be all up for that! Of course, this is also my hope for Across the Spider-Verse, and if I had to pick one it would have to be in Verse.

If we had a bit of a timeskip showing Peter eventually giving up being Spider-Man and starting a family, you could effectively do a Spider-Girl origin story, though without a lot of her extended cast, because they have either been killed off (Normie Osborn) or never existed (Kaine, Dark Devil, Black Cat, the rest.) It might be nice, though if it's under the Marvel umbrella I would likely be disappointed.

Honestly, I think I'd like a TV show for Spider-Girl more. Yeah, the continuity might be confusing, but it serves well enough as a standalone for people sick of the interweaving complexities of current Marvel TV. Gimme some teen drama! I'd be surprised enough that anyone even remembers Spider-Girl exists, since Spider-Gwen showed up and took all the limelight owed to Mayday. This is all a pipe dream anyway, so just let me have this one.

So yeah! Without any announcements or rumors, all we really have to go on is our own hopes and dreams for any of these films. And if I know anything, it's that my specific hopes and dreams do not happen. I may have prevented any of these things from occurring simply by writing this. Oops. I sure hope you wanted something different than I did.

Spider-Man No Way Home (2021)

Spider-Man No Way Home is the final film in the (presumably first) MCU Spider-Man trilogy. As I've said before, I'm not a fan of MCU Spider-Man. And there's a lot to dislike. To be honest, I kind of expected to hate this movie, especially since every one else loved it and I'm a hopeless contrarian. But then something happened.

A strange warmth filled my heart.

(SPOILERS AHEAD EVERYBODY)

So turns out I'm a fucking rube. I can't help it! You put multiple Spider-Mans on a screen and I giggle and clap like a baby. Andrew and Tobey together on screen, in a lab, swinging around, it was great. It was mostly just fanservice, but goddamn if I wasn't serviced.

But, you know, that wasn't the whole movie.

Let's be real with ourselves, the rest of the movie was still MCU Spider-Man. You know, the one that didn't even seem like he wanted to be Spider-Man for most of this trilogy. The one with the extended cast that did little but annoy me. With Blondie Brant and Flashcard Thompson. The first part of the movie took a long time without a lot of meat on the bones. It's weird that legal troubles came up and very quickly got swept under the rug. Like, Mysterio's whole case seemed pretty tight, but Matt Murdock shows up and everything is fine.

Remember Back In Black? It was the comic story where Aunt May is shot after Peter revealed his identity in Civil War. And then he goes on to commit a bunch of crimes to track down the man responsible and try to keep his aunt alive. It's why Spider-Man's identity becoming public was such a big deal, why you knew some bad shit would go down once it did. But MCU Spider-Man just has to crash at Happy Hogan's place and gets sad about college. Instead Alex Jones-- Er, Jameson (who only now exists) gets people mad enough to throw rocks through Peters window. Even though Spider-Man only did one thing after five years and it was the Mysterio thing which didn't even matter legally. It's just weird that there's no real bite to this.

I mean, think about how that three movies in, MCU Spider-Man doesn't have any villains that would come after him. Not even like, a mob boss or some shit. What the hell did he even do? Did Spider-Man fight any crime that wasn't the Vulture? For the first two movies he had Iron Man villains and in this one he has to borrow villains from the Spider-Man movies that were actually good. Not to say that situation actually makes sense.

So the magic spell is supposed to summon people who knew Peter Parker is Spider-Man. But like, why is Electro there? He don't know who Spider-Man is. Venom had more reason to be there. But then you wouldn't have a villain from every movie, and that's what's more important.

I did like that, in a departure from the other two films, Peter actively went against the adult in this situation. In Homecoming he just wanted recognition from Iron Dad, and in Far From Home it was all under the direction of Nick Fury, but he actually fought Dr. Strange so he could try to save lives. And I like the idea that three Spider-Mans worked together to cure the villains. (like andrew did in TASM but sure let them die for the rest I guess it don't matter) And Tobey being able to whip up a Goblin Fixing Serum makes sense, since his best friend died because of it, more or less.

Of course, the Lizard and Sandman seemed like they didn't work very well as part of this ensemble. What point in time was Sandman taken from? Why was he so pissed off so often? At some point Spider-Man caught aggro and couldn't shake it. And with Lizard, what was his plan? He stayed in the van while Peter and Osborn had their little science class, and you think he has some master plan when he says, "It begins." But all he does is sort of run away once Green Goblin is wrecking shit up. He didn't even turn anyone into a lizard. C'mon, he just wants the whole world to be lizards. Let him have one. And I guess they couldn't get their actors, so they were just CGI the whole time, til their cures came up and then they got Bully Maguire'd in. Though honestly that was a separate concern from how they were written, but it didn't help.

Electro really came out on top here. He wasn't blue! Plus a design I like more, though if I had my way he would've had the lightning bolts around his head the whole time. Plus he talked with Andrew and that made me happy. Green Goblin was pretty great too. Dafoe's still got it baby! It's weird that they just fixed him at the end. Especially after May stuck him with some kinda green fluid earlier in the film. What did that do? It was like a Chekhov's gun that fell behind a couch and everyone forgot about.

Fixing the villains doesn't really make sense if you try to place them back in the movies. Because, like, the same shit still happens, right? Did Osborn just pop back in right before the glider stabbed him? Am I supposed to assume this is why he said that deadpan, "Oh." Was that a sane Osborn getting stabbed? How would the Lizard getting cured before it happens in TASM fit anywhere? Just don't think about it I guess.

I am glad they didn't make any Aunt May Is Hot jokes this time. Though she did die. And they shoehorned in stuff from the video game, like FEAST and her gravestone quote, which she never actually said in this film series. Why was it May who gave Peter the Great Responsibility speech? I remember when Homecoming came out, all the fans of that movie said Peter's "If bad happen and I not help, then bad my fault" line was supposed to be that line, as if he already learned that lesson. But apparently not, and he had to learn it now.

This movie kinda disassembles a lot of defenses people had towards MCU Spider-Man, which is odd to see. People said we didn't need to see Holland's origin, because we had seen it before in other incarnations, but now this whole trilogy was his origin. People said he didn't need an Uncle Ben, because Stark was his Uncle Ben, but no, turns out it's Aunt May now. Fans disagreed with the criticism that Peter was too reliant on Stark technology, but now he's completely disconnected with it and they praise that. "Peter is poor!" they said, despite much evidence to the contrary, but now we see what it looks like when he doesn't have any money and it ain't what we've seen before in this trilogy.

How about that ending. Peter Parker erases himself from... memory? The world? The bounds are confusing and unclear. So if it were just memory, yeah his friends wouldn't remember him, but anyone could look up the Daily Bugle archive on youtube and see the hours of coverage about Peter Parker, so we have to assume its more than that. Was it all physical media? So there would be no Daily Bugle coverage or that shrine in the high school, but then Peter does not legally exist. He would have no birth certificate, no job history. How did he get an apartment? Could he get deported? No wait, he's white. He's fine. I guess he has to get his GED, but he's a fucking ghost. How does this work? Don't think about it.

You run into these logistical nightmares with any large-scale retcon like this. And it's worth noting that this is the first such event in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I predicted such a thing in my 2015 article, Making Movies Into Comics though really it wasn't that hard to surmise. This has officially been branded as a three-film origin story for MCU Spider-Man, but I think that's a misleading assumption. They've relaunched the series with a new numbering, the next film will be a #1 again. And in comics this can lead to an initial increase in sales, but eventually they always go back to the old numbering. Is this merely the beginning? Time travel and magic are viable possibilities for further retcons, which are gonna be pretty necessary as public interest wanes and actors get sick of playing the same character forever. We have reached another step in movies becoming as alienating as comics.

I think its worth noting just how derivative this film is from other recent Spider-Man media. Aunt May, with her job and epitaph and the ending shot with Peter swinging out after looking at the police scanner on his phone are straight from Insomniac Spider-Man. I wouldn't be surprised if they copy that incarnation real closely in the future. Then the whole plot of this film, which is cribbed straight from Into the Spider-Verse, an origin for Miles Morales, and this is touted as an origin for Peter Parker. And the borrowed villains from the Spider-Man films I genuinely enjoy. I worry future films might a similar hodgepodge of adaptations of adaptations. I doubt the people involved have real original ideas here.

So I enjoyed myself, but almost entirely because Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire were together in Spider-Man suits and they webswung and I have a simple mind. Normally I would be angry that they got rid of the entirety of Spider-Man's extended cast, easily the best of any comic character, but with these versions I'm actually pretty okay with that. Please, anything to keep me from ever seeing Flashcard Thompson again. I've seen a lot of takes that this movie invalidates any of the Iron Boy Jr. criticism by fixing all of that. But that remains to be seen. Peter alone, poor, in a shitty apartment and a better suit all point to the possibility of a better future film, but does not guarantee it. It's like The Force Awakens, where how good this film could be hinges entirely on the next one. And they could very easily fuck it up. It's the easiest thing in the world, two whole franchises before this one failed. It's more than likely Peter will make MJ and Ned remember who he is in the next movie, and who knows what else would be undone?

I'll watch the next one, which means nothing because I have to watch every Spider-Man film because I have a dangerous obsession. It could actually be better, even though all of reality got fucky. Really gotta tiptoe around how little this makes sense for the next movie to be pure Spider-Man and not just exposition around the nature of Strange's magic spell. Maybe he'll actually fight a crime!

But we all know there's only one thing that could redeem all of this, make me sing the praises of this studio from the tallest hill.

DO IT YOU COWARDS

Moments with Miles (New Teaser and Game Thoughts)

WOOOOOOOO

SPIDER-VERRSE TWOOOOOOOOO!!

I'm fuckin' jazzed, folks. Yeah, we knew it was gonna happen but seeing actual footage makes it more real, more than even just believing in it really hard would do. Wait, what am I talking about? The new Spider-Verse trailer, you nimrod. Geez, it's almost like you don't obsessively follow every Spider-Man related development with a desperate sad passion unfit for a human being of your age.

Well anyway this is that.

Not a whole lot there, but there's some! The designs for Miles and Gwen have changed somewhat, in-costume and out. They definitely look older, both with longer hair, and Gwen still has the undercut she had in most of Spider-Verse 1. I like the hair! Then there's costume design, where Gwen hasn't seen much of an overhaul, the most noticeable difference being her gloves now have the webbing pattern whereas before they were pure white. Miles has a pretty substantial change, with the red shoulders gone in lieu of a red band going down each his sides, going up the interior of his arms and outside his legs, each connecting the with little red patches on his hands and feet. The spider insignia looks a little cleaned up, but still appears to be spraypainted on, which I like.

One big hope for this movie is that they add Mayday Parker, Spider-Girl from the MC2 Universe that was running for a while. It would fit with Peter B's whole kids dilemma leading to his estrangement from Mary Jane, but seeing as how he figured out he wanted kids and ostensibly got back together with MJ in the end, he could very likely have had a daughter who inherited spider powers. It's either her or Spiderling from Renew Your Vows, the miniseries about what if MJ and Peter had a different kid and they all fought crime, which I now realize I haven't read for some reason.

And, before I forget, SPIDER-MAN 2099!! MIGUEL O'HARA IS IN THE HOOOUUUUSE!

I'm real happy they kept him in after the little cameo in the stinger of Spider-Verse 1, I love 2099 Nueva York, I love the costume, and I love the way the swear word of the future is the word "shock". I love Into the Spider-Verse with every ounce of my empty withered heart, and this being a definite two-part sequel, I have enough reason not to lose my mind eating pizza for a while.

Coincidentally, I just finished Miles Morales for the PS4 (I am biding my time for the Spider-Man PS5 to come out I know it will I just have to be patient) and, listen, sometimes I just gotta quarantine my Spider-Man thoughts into one post so the rest of them can be taken up with existential crises involving pizza.

Anyway, good game! Short, but that was pretty much the deal going in. I platinum'd it in a fraction of the time Spider-Man 1 took me, but more Spider-Man content is all I need to keep going. I'm glad I didn't purchase a PS5 to play this, considering how much effort it would take to get one and that I only really want Demon's Souls otherwise. I don't need no ray-tracing! I'll take my huffing, chugging PS4 that forgets to load textures on a cat.

Playing through really made me think about what I want from Spider-Man 2, and I can't bring myself to make a whole article for a stupid list and I want it out of my head.

1. Suit loadouts

I want to be able to assign a suite of mods to a suit, ideally 2 or 3 loadouts. I figure most people already switch out all their suit mods when they switch from stealth to combat, or if they're fighting street thugs vs. tech enemies. All this would just make it quicker and easier. I'm surprised they didn't add this in Miles Morales, but they have another chance with the next game.

2. Co-op

I don't care if it's local or network co-op, I just want to play with a friend who is also Spider-Man and we both swing and fight crime and have a dang ol' time.

3. Less Tokens

In Spider-Man 1, there was like 6 different tokens you could collect by doing stuff around the city, and remembering what upgrade needed what token and where to get them became a chore. Miles Morales had 2, which maybe was too few. I think 3 or 4 would be a good amount so you're not overburdened with either a single type of token or scrambling trying to find the one type you're missing to make webs better.

4. Less Cops

In Miles Morales, all your crime data came from the Friendly Neighborhood app, so users reported a crime which you would then fight. I like this a lot more than Spider-Man 1 where Spider-Man fixed police surveillance towers, and also sorta hacked them, and that's where you got crime reports. Spider-Man is best if he has an at-best ambivalent relationship with the police, where they pretty much think he's a criminal as well. They shouldn't be too cozy.

5. Big Wheel

I love this stupid villain. He's no frills, he rides around in a giant wheel with arms and calls himself "Big Wheel". I want a big setpiece chase through Manhattan trying to stop a ferris wheel from blowing up a bank or something. Either him or The Spot.

6. Bring back the old face

Worth a try.

7. Spider-Signal

You know the drill. Please, do it for me. You guys know it exists! I saw it! LET ME SHINE A STUPID LIGHT ON PEOPLE FROM A ROOFTOP! PLEASE I AM AT YOUR MERCY!