American Son Parts 2 and 3

Although it hurts me inside, I'll continue to review this farce of an Amazing Spider-Man storyline. This time, I'll write on the next two issues, so this goes by faster.

Comic Review: Amazing Spider-Man 596 + 597

This starts a bit after the last issue ended, with Harry at a press conference joining the Avengers. We cut to Peter yelling at Harry, because joining the Avengers must be a terrible idea. Afterwards, Peter is so distracted he doesn't notice a burning building right freaking next to him. I don't really get the point of it though, it doesn't affect any other scenes, and we don't actually see him helping anyone out of it. I guess it's to remind us he does some superheroing between beating up government officials?

After that bit of random idiocy, we go to the Avengers Tower, where Norman is showing Harry around, and Harry wants to see his ex-girlfriend Lily. Norman lies and tells Harry that she doesn't want to see him. In another part of the tower, Norah, one of Peter's co-workers, apparently has a job there, flirting with a security guard who has access to the secure floors.

We then go to Aunt May's house, where Peter still lives for no reason, where Peter and Jay, Jameson's dad, have a little heart-to-heart about how Jay deserted in the army to see his son, Jonah, born. The studio audience goes "Awwww" and the scene ends. Back in Avengers Tower, Harry has to get some vaccines to work there, but resists due to the suspicion that it would be Goblin formula, but Norman assures him it's good, so he gets them anyway.

We next see Peter talking to what seems like nobody, until the last panel of the page reveals he's talking to Gwen Stacy's grave. Sheesh, that guy needs to get laid. Badly. Anyway, he then talks to Norah, who reveals her DEVIOUS plan to infiltrate Avengers Tower, and do... something. Report on it, I guess. She attributes her genius to fetal alcohol syndrome. Peter objects on the grounds that Osborn will find out and gut her like a fish, but she storms off, angrily.

The next part stars our favorite ripoff, Mac Gargan Venom. I could go on about what's wrong, but long story short: He's not the Venom I know and love. Anyway, it shows him talking to a hooker, her trying to negociate a price, while he talks about how pretty she smells. What happens next is what the people who made The Madness were kind enough to omit. To wit:

Yeah. The less we talk about that, the better. Spider-Man then attacks, unfortunately too late for my sanity, and has a strange device on his back. Hawkeye, who's supposed to be watching Venom, is instead picking his nose and killing mice with his boogers. Yeah. Spider-Man then goes to describe how he beat Venom, using a sound generator, and he describes its effect as "having diarrhea pumping through your veins." Yeah. Okay, whoever's writing this obviously isn't the most eloquent they have over at Marvel. If the burning building exploded, I would suspect it was Michael Bay. But I digress. Spider-Man throws Venom in a vault with the machine, even though, presumably, it's causing him extreme pain. Turns out Invisible Woman gave him the sound machine, and also gives him what looks like a black Spider-Man suit.

At Avengers Tower, Harry gets up from his bed, disables a security camera, and leaves. In the conference room, everyone's there, including Venom, who we can infer is Spider-Man, due to his thought bubbles. Osborn's speech is entirely different than it is in Dark Avengers, and by that, I mean he speaks like a 6 year old. He calls everyone by their villain names, rather than their Avenger names, and calls everyone a "pack of retarded children." Yeah. The issue ends when he reveals the name of his plans for Harry: American Son.

The next issue begins with Norman going into a secure floor of the tower, and Spider-Man's classy reaction.

They then go in, and Osborn shows him the armor-thing for American Son. It just looks like Iron Man ripoff armor with a badly drawn eagle on the chest and an American flag pasted on the shoulder. Not terribly inspired. Anyway, Osborn shows him the results of their testing of the Super-Soldier serum and its effects when combined with the Goblim serum. Osborn of course, still has no trace of the speech patterns he had in Dark Avengers, but I just don't care anymore. One of the hideous mutants tries to kill Osborn, but Spider-Man, entirely out of character if he's trying to act like Venom, kicks it to the ground. As Osborn insults the imposter-Venom, Harry gets ready to knock out some guards to get into Norman's office, (And he calls his father Norman rather than Dad, I don't know why.) but he gets pulled into the shadows by someone with glowy eyes.

At Aunt May's house, the power goes out, as an ominous voiceover talks about something great or terrible over shots of evil spying robots looking at everything. Back at Avengers Tower, it turns out Lily was the one that pulled Harry away, and Harry proceeds to tell her that he'll cure her of the Goblin formula, so Norman will let them be together or something. With the Avengers, Spider-Man over-acts, presumably to make up for his prior heroism.

After going to "Monitor Duty" on an elevator, Dark Wolverine attacks him, because he smells cleaner than the actual Venom. They fight, Spider-Man eventually wins, and Harry walks in. Spider-Man reveals that he is, in fact, the actual Spider-Man. Harry freaks out, asks Spider-Man why he's meddling, and raises a very good point.

Then Norman walks in, and Spider-Man makes up something, which Harry says is a lie. Spider-Man is then pinned to the floor by arrows, and Norman, although it's not something he would say, asks a question I was really wondering.

So then Norman punches him in the face, and presumably shoots him. All we see is him shooting the gun, then Spider-Man's hand on the ground with a pool of blood under it. Then the issue ends. Yeah, a cliffhanger can save this.

Okay, these two were just as bad as the first one, only now I can't even sympathize with Norman, because he talks like Batman when written by Frank Miller. Spider-Man acts like an idiot, and I think getting shot in the head was an adequate consequence. It'll be a week or two before I get the last two issues in this, so if you hate these reviews, there'll be a break. That's all for today.

American Son Part 1

Oh, how I mourn for Amazing Spider-Man. See, I used to really like it. But now it's entirely terrible. It's a long story.

It starts with Civil War, a previously mentioned crossover wherein Spider-Man revealed his identity to the public at large in support of the Superhuman Registration Act. But then he realized Tony Stark was a nazi who was trapping his former friends in an inescapable prison in the Negative zone, so he joined the Anti-registration side. After Civil War was over, Tony had won, Captain America was dead, and Spider-Man was a fugitive. Kingpin, the fat crime lord guy, although being in prison, ordered a hit on Aunt May, since now every villain ever now knew who Spider-Man was. Aunt May got shot, Spider-Man went back in his black suit, beat the shit out of Kingpin, and swore Kingpin would die when Aunt May did.

So, Aunt May was in a coma, Spider-Man had committed a shitload of felonies, and he was married to Mary Jane, to the chagrin of the Editor in Chief of Marvel, Joe Quesada. The solution? MAKE A FAUSTIAN BARGAIN. In a storyline called One More Day, Peter and Mary Jane agree to erase their marriage from existence, selling it to the closest equivalent to the Devil Marvel has, Mephisto. As a direct result of this, Peter is single once again, lives with his Aunt, has no job, has no legal troubles, his friend Harry Osborn is alive again, and nobody at all knows who Spider-Man is. Even those who knew before he revealed it. Even freaking Venom. Augh.

So, to correspond with this, Marvel canceled all other Spider-Man titles, leaving only Amazing Spider-Man, which is released three times a month. It now has SEVEN alternating writers and FIVE alternating artists. In short: This comic is a mess. I tried reading a few issues after the big switch, and they sucked. To correspond with the new Dark Reign thing going on, there's a new storyline, called American Son. I bought a few issues in this, because I thought it would be good, since Osborn was a Spider-Man villain in the first place, so these might be worth reading. How mistaken I was.

Comic Review: Amazing Spider-Man 595

This comic begins with Peter and Harry Osborn, picking up chicks. They then see Norman's giant evil jet of evilness, flying to his super-evil malicious tower. Of evil. We then cut to Peter at work, at his new newspaper, Front Line. He goes on a big tirade at how evil Norman Osborn is, and everybody just laughs at him. Because he's totally not evil. At all. To be honest, Osborn really hasn't done anything evil yet. He's appeared to have been cured of his Goblin persona, and so far he's saved Latveria in what could be a diplomatic mission.

It then shows Spider-Man and Wolverine having a chat about Osborn. Spider-Man gets all whiny, while Wolverine suggests that Spider-Man just kill him. Wolverine then makes an incredibly subtle joke about Bush, comparing him to Osborn. Then they fist pound. THEY MAKE A JOKE ABOUT BUSH, THEN FIST POUND. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU DO IN COMICS. AAAAAAAAHHH.

...Ahem. Anyway, the next scene is with Peter and his-now-apparent-enemy J. Jonah Jameson. I mean, these guys are just antagonistic. Jameson became the new mayor of New York (and subsequently a nazi), for reasons not adequately explained. But anyway, they are full-on hatin'. It doesn't really make much sense, I mean, Jameson only really hated Spider-Man, and since he doesn't know who that is, he should act the same way towards Peter. Before, Jameson was either ambivalent towards Peter, or in rare cases was almost a kind of father figure. But now they just hate each other. I guess Peter just didn't have enough enemies.

In other developments, Jameson's father is engaged to Aunt May. Peter found out about this in the worst way possible. You know what I mean. (THEY WERE IN BED. EEEEWWWW) So Jameson is having a party for vaguely defined reasons, and the guest of honor shows up. Who else but-- you guessed it, Norman Osborn! Nobody but Jameson wants Osborn there, since Harry is convinced Norman ruined his life, Peter knows he's the Green Goblin, and Jameson's dad says he's evil. Norman retorts that the old man is a deserter, and that pretty much settles the issue. Norman invites Harry to join his Avengers, which Harry promptly rejects.

That night, Harry's ex-girlfriend/supervillain comes calling, by breaking through a window. Her name is Lily, but she's called Menace, and she's the newest Goblin themed villain. She got a type of the goblin serum accidentally spilled on her, and she can change forms from a reasonably attractive girl to an evil horned Goblin thingy at will. She got beaten up by Spider-Man in an earlier storyline, and pretty much gave up supervillainy. Aaanyway, she shows Harry something shocking, at least, it is to Harry.

Next we see Norman talking to a hologram of his secretary, when he is pulled forcefully from his limo by some webs. Yes, Spider-Man kidnapped Norman Osborn. The man who's practically the leader of American defense. See, Spider-Man is angry that Norman would invite Harry to the Avengers. How would Spider-Man know that, you ask, since he can't let Norman know he's Peter Parker? He has spies on Jameson's staff. Yeah, that's believable. Spider-Man proceeds to beat the living shit out of Osborn, who at that point had done nothing directly against Spider-Man. I mean, at this stage, I'm on Normie's side. He was just minding his own business, trying to get his son in on the "We're all heroes" deal. Spider-Man just freaked out and beat a grown man for no adequately explained reason. Don't worry Norman, I'm rootin' for ya!

Anyway, Spider-Man inexplicably decides to kill Osborn by strangling him, because advice from Wolverine is always good advice. He stops when Norman answers his phone, and, surprise surprise, Harry accepted his Avengers offer! Then Spider-Man walks away in defeat. The next page, we see Harry kneeling next to Lily, who is now pregnant. That's how it ends.

This issue makes me sad. It makes me sad inside. I had hoped for a good Spider-Man issue, but this was just disappointing. Character derailment, bad writing, and a storyline that just doesn't make any sense plague the issue, in what I thought would be good. I mean, the art is still fine, and at least I can sympathize with someone in here. (Hint: It's Norman.) We'll just have to see how low we can go when I review the rest of this storyline.

Venom: The Madness

Now then, my older brother has a lot of comics, and as a gift, gave me some of his Venom ones. I was thrilled, seeing as how Venom kicks ass. Little was I to know that one of the series he gave me would be the worst story to ever grace the pages of comics. Yes, the day has finally come. Today, I write:

Comic Review: Venom: The Madness

Now then, let me start by saying I wanted good things for this comic. As I could tell from the covers, there was going to be Venom vs. Juggernaut, which I thought would be awesome. Unfortunately, this didn't exactly live up to expectations.

It starts with Venom dreaming, with a voice talking about how his previously perfect symbiosis was not actually perfect at all. This crazy guy ranting on the streets about evil pollution is attacked, Venom wakes up, saves the guy, and meets Beck. See, at this point, Venom lives underground with a group that are essentially hobos, and eeeevil corporations are polluting underground, so Beck, some lady who apparently has nothing better to do, is suing the evil companies. The boss of one of these companies, Scarmore, is always coated in shadow, and sounds more like a bad Captain Planet villain.

Somehow, I guess, he made an evil sentient mercury in the course of making whatever it is he makes, and that's what he's being sued for. Anyway, his lackey hires Juggernaut to stop the lawsuit. Meanwhile, Brock and Beck are having a tender moment, but Beck is a little disturbed when the symbiote gets a little too friendly, so that cuts it short. That, and the crazy guy from before tells them someone who's helping with the lawsuit pulled out, because he got beaten up. Brock volunteers to beat up the guy who beat him up, which makes sense, but the crazy guy says that won't work, because giant corporations are evil. Yeah, I dunno either. That night, we are treated to a little montage of evil polluting people who apparently rape the environment for a quick buck. Way to be subtle, comic.

Anyway, the next day, Beck has a press conference, talking about the evil pollution, which makes Juggernaut target her. Venom fights back, and there's a big fight scene, which ends with Brock falling into a pool of talking red liquid. We are then left with a cliffhanger, assuming it wants to bond with Brock and the symbiote. Next issue, it bonds, and something really freaky happens.

We then cut to something... else... I guess. I don't even know.

Um. Aaaanyway, Beck and the crazy guy talk once again about how giant corporations get away with everything, ever so subtly trying to tell the readers something. (I think you're supposed to like corporations by the time this is over.) We then cut back to the Captain Planet Villain, telling his lackey he doesn't want to know how he's taking care of the lawsuit. Anyway, at this point, Venom is having scary dreams, and wonders about the third voice in his head. You know things are bad when there's emphasis on the third part of that statement. After talking to the crazy guy, Venom becomes inexplicably stupid, and decides to kill the president of Scarmore. In the middle of the night. When nobody is there. Being that he became retarded for no reason, he kills a maid instead.

He then sleeps, has more crazy dreams, and says something that I may never forget.

THERE'S A FOURTH VOICE IN MY HEAD.

I can't even think about that sentence too hard, because I fear my brain will collapse in upon itself and I'll just go insane.I mean, seriously? A fourth voice? But don't worry, that's not the only bad part of this issue. Anyway, back to the President, the lackey calls Juggernaut again, and then we're back with Brock and Beck. Beck is a little reluctant to get close with Brock, because he's totally freaking batshit insane. Brock responds with something I think we've all tried at one time or another.

But that's not all!

Just as Venom looks like he's about to use the symbiote in ways that would make the japanese blush, Juggernaut thankfully arrives, and starts beating up Venom. Eventually, a rip in space-time appears out of nowhere, and Juggernaut throws Venom into it. Then the issue ends. At that point, I was just really really confused. In fact, I am still confused.

The next issue, we find Venom trapped in a world of crazy. No really, it's a literal world created by insanity. Anyway, he wins by... beating up the personifications of crazy. He just beats them up. No moral revelations or anything, he just... beats them up. Finally, he leaves crazytown. By that point Beck has been kidnapped by Juggernaut, who begins to sympathize with her. That's right, it's reverse Stockholm syndrome. So Venom drops in, apparently not crazy anymore or something, drives away Juggernaut, and saves Beck. She then reveals she can't be with him anymore, because he's a freaking lunatic. He takes it well. At the end, he drops the mercury stuff back in the puddle, and proclaims what a great hero he is for being sooo crazy.

Now then, this comic was bad. Not just normal bad, this series goes to a whole new level of bad. The art is bad, the plot is bad, it's like whoever made it had only heard of Venom once! It tries to heavyhandedly give some environmental bullshit, but the only moral I got out of it is, "Don't merge your symbiote with evil sentient mercury, or you'll go crazy." Juggernaut is more stupid than usual, the president of Scarmore isn't even developed enough to be one sided, he's like half-sided. The only thing almost good about this series is the introduction of Beck, who is featured in later stories, but honestly this is probably the worst start she could have gotten.

So yeah, bad series, and an example of how one could tarnish the name of Venom, ruining his awesomeness. Before re-reading it for this review, I almost forgot how bad it was. But now I shall always know. Anyway, what do you think? Like the review? Too long? Too short? Comment! That's all for now, I'll probably do some Amazing Spider-Man next, so keep your eyes open. Farewell!

Venom: Lethal Protector

Following my last comic review, Dark Avengers, I decided to review something a little older, starring one of my favorite characters, Venom.

Comic Review: Venom: Lethal Protector

This takes place after Amazing Spider-Man 375, where Venom agreed to stop trying to kill Spider-Man, if Spidey let him go. Spider-Man didn't really have a choice, so Venom goes to San Francisco where he used to live apparently. This is drawn by Mark Bagley, my favorite penciler for Spider-Man, and written by David Michelinie, who wrote for Amazing Spider-man at the time. The comic opens with Venom killing a random mugger as he's about to do unspeakable things to the victim of his mugging. Venom then gives her back her purse, leading to what is quite possibly the best three panels ever.

Indeed, how rude of him.

Anyway, the cops later see him and try to arrest him when he tries to book a hotel room. A tourist sees him and takes a picture, which is then later seen by none other than Peter Parker! Peter then goes on the flashback Venom's origin, because back then there wasn't wikipedia. Violating his deal, Spider-Man goes to San Francisco to try and catch Venom. Meanwhile, Venom is homeless, and beats up some suited people beating up hobos. Spider-Man just happens to come by at this exact moment, and punches Venom under the pretense that Venom is assaulting the FBI or similar organization. That leads to this exchange and another candidate for "Best Panel in This Comic"

Then the men in suits pull out guns. Spider-Man, dodging the bullets, doesn't notice that Venom and the hobos disappear until it's too late. He basically says a "Well dammit." and swings off again. We then see some foreshadowing with this random business guy holding a picture of his son, telling some guy on the phone to assemble the squad.
Then we find Venom and the hobos in an underground tunnel, which apparently the homeless people live in. After explaining that the fancy dressed people were hired by this guy named Roland Treece, The hobos come upon these giant mechanical suits (Called "Diggers") owned by none other than Treece. Anyway, they attack, Venom beats the crap out of them until one of them uses their "Sonic shovel." A sonic shovel? Seriously? Why does everyone Venom face have to have some sort of sonic weapon that makes no sense?

Anyway, the floor caves in, and the digger and Venom fall through a pit. Then this happens:

Wait, what?

So yeah, that's Venom's first solo comic, and I love it. The art is awesome, drawn Mark Bagley. Then there's the dialog. The writer did a kickass job on this, and for a few reasons. The constant recapping in the beginning almost sounds natural, the explanations are never too long or tedious, and the way Venom talks is almost... poetic. I think this is mentioned later by saying he was a journalist and that made him talk awesome or something, but whatever he says not only sounds very dramatic, but every sentence is like a short speech.
Well, that's all for now. I'll probably get through the other six issues in one other blog post, so I don't spend the rest of my life talking about the comics I love. Next up on the W Defender, Venom: The Madness! Stay tuned!