The End of the MCU As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

As the prophesy foretold, yet another iteration of Spider-Man looks like it's going down the drain. As Deadline reported and not a single person is unaware of now, the deal between Sony and Disney to share the film rights to Spider-Man has ended. In broad strokes, this means no more Spider-Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which, more than anything else, I think is pretty funny.

In an uncharacteristic move, I never ended up publishing reviews of Spider-Man: Homecoming or Far From Home. By the time I collected my thoughts on Homecoming, it was a little too late for anyone to care, and Far From Home had the whole "ENDGAME SPOILERS OH NO" problem. So for the sake of context, here are my thoughts on those two films as a whole.

They were okay films, certainly nothing outrageously wrong from a filmmaking standpoint. Like a lot of Marvel movies, they were fine. Nothing fancy in the mechanics, like camera work or style; if you've seen a Marvel movie you know what I mean. But as Spider-Man movies, they were not good. Spider-Man as a character lost much of what he had in the comics and other adaptations. He was like a sidekick, more or less, trying to impress Iron Dad in Homecoming, and taking orders from Fury to become Iron Boy in Far From Home. Everything that made Spider-Man special and important to me didn't survive the transition. These films felt more like Iron Man 4 and 5 than a reboot of Spider-Man. Where was his independent nature, his man-against-the-world struggle? Where was the working class perspective on this superhero nonsense? All gone. He was provided everything he needed by a rich man, even after said patron died. They even went so far as to homage the first Iron Man in Far From Home, as if to say, "Don't worry everyone, we have a new Iron Man." Spider-Man is not Iron Man. Not even close. I'm honestly surprised that distinction needed to be made more than once, like everyone didn't figure out it was a bad idea after Slott's Parker Industries comic run.

That's not even mentioning the supporting cast, which I found either annoying or superfluous. Each one is named after a legacy character, like Ned Leeds or Flash Thompson, but bears a shallow and mismatched resemblance to their namesake. Flash is a mathlete instead of a football player, but he hates Peter Parker and loves Spider-Man anyway. MJ is a counterculture misanthrope with one tone of voice, but her and Peter fall in love anyway. Ned is just Ganke Lee from Ultimate Spider-Man. As I've detailed before they all seemed scattered, unable to be the characters we know, but not allowed to be different ones either. It was frustrating in a way only someone who obsesses about Spider-Man can understand.

Hopefully that provides some context for when I say: I'm glad this Disney/Sony divorce is happening. My article railing against it in the first place was astonishingly accurate. I just didn't call that Spider-Man would replace Iron Man. He did just sort of appear with little explanation, and they had to change that iteration so much he was barely recognizable. Suffice it to say I disliked the direction they were going with him. The Sony-only venture Into the Spider-Verse was such a massive triumph that it almost washes away Amazing Spider-Man 2. Even the first Amazing Spider-Man was a good movie, and I will die on that hill. Everyone seems adamant to point out that Sony has a terrible track-record with the character, but I like all of those films more than the Marvel ones. Did we all forget Raimi's Spider-Man 2? Spider-Verse proves that Sony can go weird with it, which as far as I'm concerned is worth way more than another boilerplate Marvel film. Maybe someone could actually take some risks again, instead of dipping their toes in the water but ultimately playing it safe. Either give me Flash Thompson, or don't, none of this halfway business.

Not to mention Disney losing a property should be seen as a win by the great mass of moviegoers. Is anyone else terrified by the complete hegemony Disney has over the entertainment landscape? Marvel, Star Wars, classic Disney canon, and they just keep getting more, what with the Fox buyout that occurred recently. They recently released the lineup for Disney+, one of the many many streaming services about to release, meant to desperately claw for a piece of that Netflix cash. It's almost as bad as the Phase III plan they announced back in 2015. But the twist is, that's just one of the franchises they own! There's a separate one for Star Wars, for classic Disney properties, the Simpsons, they even got the goddamn Muppets. Nothing else illustrates in such stark detail the stranglehold Disney has over a wide swath of once-independent properties.

I have very little faith that Deadpool (a film nearly universally beloved) could've been made if Disney owned the character from the beginning. How about Logan? A sequel to a family-friendly franchise, instead rated R and living up to every inch of that rating. Could we ever get an R-rated Avengers film? This isn't how Disney works. Kid-friendly to a fault, and despite making billions of dollars they play it safe time and time again. I'm glad at least something I enjoy isn't eaten up by the conglomerate that thought The Last Jedi was a good idea.

Is Sony going to continue casting Tom Holland? Will they just reboot the whole thing again? Who knows! The only one here we can really pity is Tom Holland in the event he's recast, but then again, nobody really shed a tear when Andrew Garfield got fired. Somewhat troubling is the notion that this might foretell a film version of One More Day, where Mephisto shows up to undo Spider-Man's identity issues, and maybe make everyone forget he exists entirely. At least this time the retcon would work for me. I'm glad I have no idea what's going to happen! I'm sick of superhero movies being the equivalent of the constant tiresome crossover events in comics!

Then again, this may all be a moot point. There's always the possibility of new negotiations, nothing's set in stone. Obviously at this point you know I'd be disappointed if this was reversed. We'll just have to wait and see what the full implications are to this, but I'm a Spider-Man fan, this ain't my first reboot, and it won't be the last.

Spider-Man: Far From Home Teaser Trailer

Aah... With Spider-Verse out and winning awards, everything's looking up for your favorite Spider-Man fan! Nothing going south here, it's all sunshine and daisies, right?

WRONG.

FUCK.

Now I'm not trying to be a Negative Nancy over here, but I'm just saying that from this trailer and what Spider-Verse did to my expectations it looks like this movie is going to be a giant steaming pile of shit.

Okay, so I'm a Negative Nancy.

Just, try to see it my way. The very first thing in the teaser is yet another "Aunt May is Hot" joke. I bet you thought they milked that dry in Homecoming, didn't you? WELL YOU'RE STUPID OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T. Oh there's no Iron Man, so he won't spend the whole movie just following orders then? No! Nick Fury is here now to tell Spider-Man what to do! Great! I love it when the character about responsibility is just a lackey to a more well-established leader! Wait no I hate that.

IF-IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TELL SPIDER-MAN TO FIGHT CRIME IN A SPIDER-MAN MOVIE

WHA–IT'S BAD

REDO THE MOVIE–THROW IT OUT–REDO THE FUCKING MOVIE

Oh and I guess Mysterio is there, probably going to be a fake hero for half the movie then a STUNNING TWIST where he turns out to be evil. Good. Also it's looking like this move's Slotting it up with a new suit for Spider-Man, undoubtedly produced by Nick Fury so he can put it on and follow orders.

You know, this trailer does remind me of something that bothered me during Spider-Man: Homecoming. What is the deal with Flash Thompson in that film? In most adaptations, Flash is a stereotypical jock-bully. He preys on Peter because Peter's a nerd, it's nothing against Parker specifically. But in Homecoming, he's just another mathlete like the rest of Peter's friends, but Flash just hates him for no reason. And everyone's okay with that! It's not even like they're both smart but run in different social circles, they have the same group of friends. Does everyone hate Peter? Why? Flash gets called out more in media where he's a jock than in Homecoming. Hell, in Amazing Spider-Man, he has more character despite much less screentime!

Of course now they're doing the Flash as Spider-Man Fan angle, which makes no sense when you consider that Spider-Man stole and totaled his car in Homecoming. It just feels like a checklist, where they change up characters so it seems fresh, but they gotta hit the same bullet-points despite how it contradicts how the revamped characters are set up.

Honestly I'm not even that mad. Now that Spider-Verse exists and has won awards, it's fine that Marvel's productions don't suit me. It's more like comics, where there's more than one line running for a character, so you can just read the one you like. That's what made the Slott years so unbearable, there was just no alternative. As long as Spider-Verse gets a sequel of comparable quality, Marvel can make as much shit as they want. I do like to bitch about Spider-Man though, so I'll see it eventually.

Venom First Trailer

So... Venom Theatrical Trailer. It's... out.

I, uh. Hm. I'm not really sure what to say about it. I'm thinking my thinly-veiling pessimism from the last trailer was appropriate.

Firstly, looks like the Agent Venom rumors were wrong, which I'm relieved about, but what's the deal with Tom Hardy's voice? Why does he have to put on some weird accent for each movie he's in? Is it even an accent, or just an odd inflection on random syllables? But I can't just blame Hardy, these lines are terrible.

"The guy you work for is the evil person."

Who... who wrote that? Speaking of voices, why in god's name did they give the symbiote a voice? And not just any voice, but the most cliche evil voice anyone has ever used. Why is it just evil right out of the gate? Typically, the symbiote is a character in-itself, but it doesn't need to actually talk to anyone to do that. They're just going with the laziest thing possible, and making the symbiote as close to a devil on his shoulder as they can get.

Unsurprisingly, doesn't look like Spider-Man is involved. Just looks like Eddie Brock stumbled on a secret company program and got the symbiote, which then makes him be evil. Is he even going to have an active role in this movie? Looks like they're going with the rote superhero story where Bad Guy is made the same time Good Guy is, Good Guy fights Bad Guy minions for most of it, and at the end Good beats Bad, the end. You'd think with an antihero as the lead, they might mix it up a bit, but from this it looks like the villains are unambiguously bad, so whatever Brock does is good.

I guess the suit looks... okay? I'm not sure I like the slimy texture of it, but I don't know what else I could expect. The eyes look too small for me. I always thought they looked better when they were bigger, more jagged, and more expressive. Since Spider-Man probably isn't a part of this, Venom looks sorta like him just because. They could have done worse, but I'm not blown away.

The only thing we can't get from this trailer is details on the villain. Obviously it's going to be the "evil person," Carlton Drake, as we were so charitably told, but the real question is: How is he going to have a big fight at the end. My guess is he's going to either alter the symbiote or find a new one and become Carnage. That seems the most predictable route, so there we go.

Gotta say guys, this is inching ever closer to Amazing Spider-Man 2 territory. But then again, after The Emoji Movie, did anyone expect Sony Pictures to produce something good? There's still a chance I won't hate it, but you won't catch me holding my breath.

Venom Teaser Trailer

Did you guys know there's a Venom movie coming out? It hasn't really become reality to me yet, everything I've been hearing about it sounds like rumors from a soon-to-be-cancelled project. But I guess it is actually happening, 'cause we got this teaser trailer.

In contrast to the other Sony Spider-Man film being made, Into the Spider-Verse, I'm not super excited about this one.

It just seems weird to me to have a Venom standalone movie without him being introduced with Spider-Man. Is Spider-Man gonna be in it? If not, why does he have a big spider on his chest? I'm almost afraid they would just get rid of that, but more than likely they'll just make up some bullshit reason.

From the looks of things, the film may have Eddie Brock's cancer as a prevalent story element, which was made a part of his history well after he was introduced in the comics. There's a lot of shots of hospitals and stuff, including an MRI, but then again, it could be he's subject to some kind of experiment involving the symbiote.

Speaking of the symbiote, the teaser shows what looks like a crashed spaceship, and afterwards a shot with a bunch of scientists with a tube of goo, so it doesn't look like they'll do the space shuttle thing from the 90's Spider-Man animated series.

I just don't know about Tom Hardy playing Eddie Brock. He was good in Mad Max, but Bane left a bad taste in my mouth I can never wash away. If this is meant to tie in with current Homecoming Spider-Man, the age difference between them would be really weird. Brock is supposed to be a contemporary of Peter Parker, which ties in with the whole evil double thing he's got going on.

It may be even more odd if the rumors currently circulating are true, and that this is less a retelling of the classic Eddie Brock Venom and more like Agent Venom, the newer iteration with Flash Thompson. I'm wary of that, since Agent Venom only worked because it had two characters' histories to work from, both Flash and the symbiote's. If Eddie Brock in this film has no connection to Spider-Man or Peter Parker, is he even really Venom?

It can't be judged too harshly based on a single teaser trailer, but I'm gonna dial down my cautious optimism to thinly veiled pessimism. There's no way I'm not gonna see a Venom movie when it first comes out, but at this point I'm expecting less Amazing Spider-Man, and more Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse First Trailer

It's that time again! And by that time, I mean a new trailer for a Spider-Man movie has come out, so I know you're all looking to me to tell you what to think about it. Well, here it is:

First of all, it looks great, just visually. It's got a sort of stop-motion feel to the CG, like the Lego Movie, which worked really well there and might just as well for this considering it's more comic-oriented art style. I like the colors and the motion blur on stuff like the subway train. So no complaints there.

Storywise, it's pretty obviously got Miles Morales as Spider-Man this time, and his story might be a direct adaptation of Ultimate Comics Spider-Man, seeing as how he walks up to a grave that's probably Peter Parker's.

He can't have been Spider-Man for too long, because his suit looks like he just made it, what with the kinda slipshod spray paint spiders on it.

He's chasing someone who appears to be the Prowler in one shot, so it being a mostly unchanged Ultimate Miles Morales makes sense.

But now the baseless speculation. At the end, he's talking to someone in the subway, and says, "Wait, how many of us are there?" I'm gonna make a guess here and say that's Peter Parker from an alternate universe, like Spider-Men. Given that the title is the same as the universe-crossing Spider-Man story, it's possible they're combining Spider-Men and Spider-Verse into one movie, where first Miles meets the regular alternate Peter Parker, but eventually it leads into some universe hopping adventure.

When it shows the title, you see flashes of different spider symbols, like one where it's a heart with legs coming out of it, or the traditional logo, before getting to Miles' spray paint spider.

If it turns out the film's going that route, I would honestly be surprised. In a comic this would make sense, because comics always have that alternate universe shit, but in a film it's a lot less prevalent, and probably a little risky. That might be because Sony Pictures is making this one, instead of Marvel like Homecoming. At any rate, I'd love to see more standalone films like this, like say, perhaps a Spider-Man 2099 film? I can dream.

Spider-Man Homecoming Trailer Talk

It's that time again, for the subject of the phrase, "That Spider-Man movie" to become even more confusing to explain to anybody. Yep, there's a new Spider-Man film coming out, and they've released the first trailer. And if I know anything, it's that everyone wants me to tell you all about it! Why would you watch it yourself when I can analyze it and tell you what to think?!



So... definitely looks like a Spider-Man movie. They've still got the dilating eyes on the mask, which I'm a big fan of. The suit looks to be the same as in Captain America: Civil War, so you already know how I feel about that. One new addition is the reappearance of the web wings, or as I like to call them, the armpit webs. I never knew if they serve a purpose, but I think they're cool.

Peter's back in high school again, which I guess one could expect, but the last Spider-Man series did that, so I thought they might change it up a bit. Ah well. They did change up the love interest, like you do after rebooting a film series for the second time. It's Liz Allen this time, who seems similar to her portrayal in the Spectacular Spider-Man series.

Rather than Harry Osborn, Peter's best friend looks to be Ganke Lee, who was actually the best friend of Miles Morales, the Ultimate Spider-Man, no not that one, no no, he's-- okay okay the black one. I guess they're adding him since Miles is the most contemporary high school Spider-Man we have, and they didn't want to actually have a black Spider-Man in film yet? Whatever.

Vulture, played by Michael Keaton, looks kinda cool, despite being another guy in a mechanical suit who does crimes, i.e. an Iron Man villain. I like the furry ruffles he has on his neck, so there's actually a reason to call him the Vulture. I had heard Shocker was gonna be in this movie, but he doesn't appear in this trailer, so I can't comment.

Robert Downey Jr.'s back, probably only for this film, since his salary for each film must start to equal the GDP of several small countries. Looks like he's gonna be the authority figure who's all, "Spider-Man, don't fight crime." and Spider-Man will be like, "But no I wanna fight crime." Honestly I like it more when Spider-Man has Captain America to look up to, but you gotta take what they give you here.

All in all, you can't get much from a trailer these days, since they have a team of people in a lab cut these up for the maximum hype appeal. It doesn't look terrible, but trailers have fooled me before. (I'm looking at you, Spider-Man 3.) At this point, whether I like the movie or not will predicate almost entirely on whether he uses the Spider-Signal or not.

C'MON YOU WERE SO CLOSE JUST GIVE ME THAT IT'S ALL I NEED.